By @ The medication is slowly leaving my body, slowly. I remember the day Dawn and I sat down as two partners in our early 20’s and asking if ‘Old Shaun’ didn’t go, we would have problems. Honest to God, the day I decided to stop crime and taking heroin and what other crap I was on, the pain came. I already had a really bed left leg, suddenly the pain spread, I spent the next 10 years, even now a little asking “Is this Karma” I think when a person decides to better themselves good things should happen, for their family and kids, like millions Worldwide, I got the pain, over the 16 years or so I have had this pain it just gets worse. My decision to take the Dr’s poison is a hard gig, but if I don’t ‘Old Shaun’ comes back and its ‘GAME OVER’ Sadly this poison I am on has left me forgetting what I said 20 minutes ago never mind 20 years ago, the gaps are there, just, the good memories are there, the bad ones I let go, people say ‘You did this’ and I think ‘Who is this fool talking about’ YEAH, FIBROMYALGIA IS THE DEVILS DISEASE, YOU FORGET A LIFE AND BLOCK OUT THE BAD PARTS
I wrote this, guest blog, https://deliberatedonkey.wordpress.com/2013/07/02/murder-and-more-through-the-eyes-of-a-child/ I did this on July 2nd 2013, nearly 2 years now. My brother left a comment in there, he knows what I seen and told was the truth and he left a reply, I could only thank him for confirming I wasn’t making it up, with medication in me I could easily make a life up, I try not do that, we all try to do that right?
I am now at a crossroads, as the medication leaves my body, slowly, I find ‘Old Shaun’ returning. I threatened a person this morning, not my son’s or a blood relative, just someone that has a big mouth and best learn to shut up, I am not in the mood for games, I have lost enough with this fecking disease, I can’t lose more, I just can’t. So I am left in a state of stagnation I guess.
I re-read that article above earlier and it felt like a dream, like I was writing about a movie I had seen, at the time I had to change and edit it about 100 times, check the URL you will see what I mean. The Word ‘Murder’ was in the original draft. The deal was I had 2 months till publication, I did the first draft and was told ‘BRILLIANT’ But I kept going over it and removing content I knew I could not write here nor anywhere. I am writing a book, MY GOD IT’S HARD TO WRITE A BOOK! I will get there and much of what I wrote above will be in the book as I have said before.
As I lay here in bed almost screaming in many forms of pain the suggestion of returning to my old ways seems a road that would be easier. See hate and anger come easy, none of us need try, it’s a natural human emotion, to fight these emotions and be decent, even when there is no decent or good is hard, to stay calm when you can’t is hard. I am sitting thinking now “The old ways would make today easier” I don’t need money, that is not a reason, the reason is simple, the drugs and lifestyle is easy, it’s a comfort zone for me. I did unspeakable things only I know about, I had saying “The less anyone knows the less the police know” and it’s something I used to use in the old days
This song here reminds me of my criminal/drug past.
If I asked I got, if I said fuck off, people fucked off.
When I was a bastard I had respect, maybe fear, not sure.
I am losing respect due to this fucking illness, what the fuck.
Shake That Ass -Eminem Feat. Nate Dogg (Dirty & Lyrics)
Via Tyler Angell on You Tube
I just have to say here, to go back the way because it seems easier as I sit when it’s hard is tempting. The writing would stop and a ‘New life’ would begin. I will become hate; I will demand respect and not act well if it’s not given. Often these days when I feel a lack of respect the ‘Old Shaun’ is in the back of my mind with suggestions I MUST deny. I can’t go back the way but what if that choice leaves my hands, what if going back is my only choice? I lose, I lose everything, but as I sit in bed here and type this I feel I have lost, lost big. I hope the lack of medication and the pain are playing games with my mind here, I am unsure, I know nobody cares, but I write, I am almost at 1 Million views, people choose to read, this is a personal write up here, intended for me to just let off some steam I am guessing, I hope so, I am no use to my partner 2o years ago, today
I am just ‘Some guy’ trying to exist and co-exist with the people around me. Lately the anger has been there. I dread ‘Old Shaun’ as all his old friends live less than a mile from me. So I guess I will have to see what help my family offer, what friends notice and say, how Dawn and my two sons react, all the while keeping in mind there are two young princess’s I must stay on this road for. One thing that has been going on for the last few years are certain people, all family, some blood, some sadly I have to pretend are alive, they talk to me like I am 20 year old, sadly the worst part and something that boils my blood are these idiots who say my name when I am not there. I don’t take that immature road in life, I say to faces, I am brave, I guess I expect everyone else to be the same.
One guy in particular, likes to act the ‘Tough Guy’ with words he wouldn’t utter in my presence. In reality his underwear would fill up should I look at him in the same room. What you do with that? I know what I used to do, but that was before. Do I deal or take another card? I figure what will happen will happen, sadly this person faked things and more and tells lies like I moan about my pain, a proper Charlie this guy is, if my Daughters suffer due to his words, what do I do? What would you do? I am asking anyone who is reading.
Oasis – Cigarettes & Alcohol
Via noelgallagherlegend on You Tube
Maybe it’s the disease, maybe it’s lack of medication, maybe it’s ‘old Shaun’ stepping forward. Either way, I don’t want to have to deal with this pathetic human being, he is a known liar , fool and loner, it would be a huge liberty, but he is effecting my life, he needs to learn to use his lips better in-front of others. I don’t want to, I hate myself for even thinking what I want to do but we all have a line, my line is same as yours, it has a ‘Do not cross’ sign on it, and this person and a few others should know, I am disabled, are they taking a liberty with me, same as I would with them? I will find out and what will be, will be, it has to come to a head, or maybe he reads this and gets on with his own crap existence and everyone sleeps better?
A few months ago a friend committed suicide, he fought the same demons as I do, as we all do I guess, rest assured I won’t do that, but the Devil or what name you want to give him is calling my name, “Dining with the Devil” is FINALLY agreed the title of my book. I can only be a human being, I can only be flesh and skin like everyone. Temptation to be a bastard again with this pain would be so very easy. I write this but the words are coming from a place I don’t like or know any more. When you decide to sing, write, paint, any art form, you expose your raw soul to the World, that is just the way the shit rolls. So there it is, answers on a postcard to “Shauny, Edinburgh, Scotland, near the forth road bridge” I will get it ;-)
Rant over, for now