“Nirvāṇa (Sanskrit: निर्वाण; Pali: निब्बान nibbāna ; Prakrit: णिव्वाण) literally means “blown out”, as in a candle. It is most commonly associated with Buddhism. In Indian religions, the attainment of nirvana is moksha, liberation from the repeating cycle of birth, life and death (reincarnation). In the Buddhist context nirvana refers to the imperturbable stillness of mind after the fires of desire, aversion, and delusion have been finally extinguished. In Hindu philosophy, it is the union with the divine ground of existence Brahman (Supreme Being) and the experience of blissful egolessness”
Strange as what I am about to write may be, after spending many months now reading and listening to friends from all over the World I believe my disability has given me a state of being I can’t understand. I sit in a busy room, happy, yet feel alone and have no feeling about feeling alone. I am totally at one with my World, my mind and body. Having Fibromyalgia means you lose things, things just go, at first the ability to work, then ability to enjoy a night out, or even do voluntary work. You lose EVERYTHING. I did an article a few days ago about how we define ourselves in a confusing world, then you lose loved ones, their choice may I add. But where there should be anger, hurt, remorce, sad, unhappy, I feel only assured. I used to think I was heartless for being this way, but I know now, or at least I think I know. I speak to 2 people who practice Buddhism and they can’t believe the things I say and tell them. They don’t preach to me, I don’t do religion
Defining Life in a confusing World
Now I have read a little more about ‘Nirvana’ because I didn’t actually know what I was and am going through. I talk to my real life, the people here and all I see is anger and hatred and unhappy people. When I look out to the World, WOW, I see something different. Totally different
I read how many people have tried to obtain this ‘COMPLETE STILL STATE OF MIND’ and I think I have found it. I maybe am not fully 100% there, but I ‘feel’ it. Like I can feel the middle of our Galaxy, I can feel the pain our Earth is in, I feel enlightenment. I show no anger, no remorse, no sad, just happy. I like to smile, love, laugh, it is what defines me. Many sit for a lifetimes and meditate in search of true self release of mind, I am being given this. Don’t ask me where it comes from, what it takes to receive, I really have no idea. I can sit with my eyes closed (In pain) and almost not breath for up to an hour. My Partner Dawn noticed it a few months ago. Sometimes I just let the pain in, close my eyes, feel the pain and allow my mind to wander. She checked my heart rate once when I was doing this and it dropped to below 50 beats per minute, I didn’t even feel her do it, I was in a total state of ‘Something’ I was gone, I was elsewhere, so I guess I do meditate?
So exactly what do I take from this feeling. When anger should be here it is not. When I am sad I am SUPER SAD. I go to the depths of my heart and soul and feel hurt. I felt this when my 20 year old son moved out 3 weeks ago now. I was almost grieving for 2 days. Yesterday he popped in for something, I just said “Hope you are ok mate, see you on Friday” I felt no sadness anymore. I just feel totally out of sync with our World and the people I interact with on it.
Only a select few on this World I am able to speak to, one happens to be an Archbishop to 1 Million people, another is a friend called Anne in the USA, and a few others from the USA. Friendships born through pain and sadness that is now gone. I could name more but if you feel it’s you, it is you. Scotland is a VERY hard place to have emotions. I was brought up to “Never show feelings” And I do resent both my parents for this. I am the guy who will cry, who will help another crying and there is not a thing I can do about it. Crying is a release, this article is a form of release. I don’t get people who can’t open up like me. But I judge nobody, we all have our paths to seek
People are scared of what others think. I never have been. Many want to “Keep up with the Jones’s” next door, neither me nor my partner are like this, our home is home, we live in it, it’s not a show house. Looking back I owe EVERYTHING I have to my Partner. At a time I didn’t know what love was she was given to me, a plan was put into action where we met. I could have said no and turned around, where would I be today? Probably dead or in Jail, this was the path I was on 20 years ago. This is a life I slowly leave behind. Yet some family still see Shaun 20 years ago. That is fine by me, you are the one judging, not me. I sleep at night (When I can) and you don’t. Our World is full of people so darn sad they can’t open up to even loved ones. What does that say about us in a broader sense? As a species we are dying, our love and humanity has gone, yet we see individual acts of love and kindness, well I do, do you? But before you answer, define love, real love, love that makes you all fuzzy inside and you can feel. I have never had my heart broken, when my Son left to go stay with his partner, my heart ached. Many mocked me, but I really don’t care. They have thier live to live and I have mine. I am not above nor below anyone in life, I am just, simply, Shaun from Edinburgh
Many people start a journey, others are thrown onto one, I was the latter. I never asked for pain that mimics Parkinson’s disease, that gives me motor neuron disease shadow effects. and worse. I have been checked many times, I have neither of these diseases. This is my life and I was going to say struggle. But where struggle should be there is not. Where sadness from my Youth should be (Oh yes it should be! Let there be no debate) has been replaced with an understanding of why. I had a family member say to me “You never leave the house anymore” I think this upset Dawn more than I. See ANYONE with Fibromyglia at level 10 will know, leaving your house is not always a decision we have. So for a person who claims to tell me “As long as you are happy” to say this to me should have hurt right? It never, I felt sadness for the person who said it. They are the lost one, the sad one, the unhappy one. And I guess looking back through our relationship always has been. Be this person a he or she is irrelevant, really it is. I told my story, it’s in the link at the start of this article. As I grow older I find happy, ecstasy, love, kindness, a soul I thought I had abused to the limits it left me. Life is fun, life can be hard for some, I see that, and I try to help. But one can only be helped when they know there is an issue.
I had an issue several years ago and a person took time with me, patience with me, loved me, comforted me. It was my partner. The only Woman in this World I know loves me and just wants me to smile, this is a fact I know. She never judged me, doubts me, she loves me, and I give her more love back. People I see 10 times a year think the know me, people I see once a year think they know me, and that is the sad part really, people thinking like this. I don’t judge people. Sure in MOMENTS I will be angry and say things. But when the moment has gone I guess I just try to make up for words I said, and I try. I called a loved one to say ‘Sorry’ I had no idea what I was to say sorry for, and all I got was anger, hate, unhappy. So this person loses, I lose nothing, why? Because I refuse to be the sadness and unhappy life wants me to be. Too many people live by thier feelings and what people think. I say simply, let it go, live, feck what others think. If I worried what people thought, I wouldn’t be writing as I do here. So read or don’t. All I ask is you don’t get angry. Smile, life could be a heck of a lot worse. I will remain on my path, I have no idea where words come from these days but I use them anyway. Love, pure love, 24/7 pure love is something let me tell you. Please try and find it, I can’t find a word to describe it. I can only smile, it’s all I can do….
I have no idea where this journey will lead me, I have no idea where it will end, all I know as it will end, everything does. And when I say that, I smile. Knowingly.
More love, less hate