I write these mainly for other people like me and so I can look back in a few months and see the progress. I have already done a few ‘Coming off Medication’ blogs. I just read over them and it is good to see I have made more progress since. It is nearing 5am, I slept for 36 hours straight over the weekend, woke on Sunday tea time, everyone had went to the botanic gardens, so I woke confused with my last memory me picking Dawn and the girls up from my Son’s house. Lately I have had to almost become a recluse to my own life. I am on purpose trying not to be around too many people, so if you read this and wonder why you are not seeing much off me, know it’s all good but I don’t want to be with people at this stage of my progression to normality, whatever that is right 😀 Really define what a normal life is and I will show a lie. There is no ‘Right way to live’ There is only our way, this is what I am feeling as very slowly I come off the Morphine 1st and 12 tablets a day as I am just now. I was on 20mg of Morphine 4 x a day = 80mg, almost a full bottle a day to now 4ml A DAY! Every 2nd day, once I have 5ml with 6 tablets and not 12 as I was before, the side effects are awful, it makes you go to a strange place but slowly I am starting to feel more alive, having more fun. I ask the people I love to know I think of them and to please give me time to come back, to fight this. I can’t fight you while I fight this, but when my fight is even with myself, I help you fight your fight, always I am behind you, know this x
Don’t get me wrong there is not 1 day since I wanted to come off Morphine and reduce tablet in-take where I have not been in utter agony but it’s strange, I now know why I am in pain, where the pain comes from and what I am doing just now is giving myself a fighting chance. I stopped smoking, I stopped drinking fizzy juice, I am eating better and have lost a few pounds, so this gives me a fighting chance, soon I will be doing less of the bad stuff and more that helps me. The hardest part is not seeing people. Really it kills me, but I know when I am ready to meet certain people again I am lucid and in control of the conversation. Will be strange, a normal 42 year old Shaun, LOL. In reality that is the deal here, I am stepping back into life, football and will be ready to take the world on again, I can’t wait for that day to come. But for now I must stick to the deal with my Dr and Dawn and get through this, these are the hardest times I guess, my body is screaming for more medication, the temptation to take them is high so the battle not to take is a battle I am winning, and winning well.
For now, I hope everyone is ok, if you read this and are family know I love you, and please be ready to accept a fool of a man back into your life that will make you laugh as I once did before. It’s been a very hard 10 years or so for Dawn and I but the last 3 months our friendship then love have kept us good and well. I can’t thank the woman enough, but I need not thank her, when you make a promise in love it’s to ‘Love that person in sickness and in health’ It would have been easy for 1 of us to walk but no! We had two little girls and they saved us. Looking back now more aware and awake I see it more and I smile. I have people around me who get me, help me and understand me and as my own self comes back the odd day here and there when I am too much. People in shops when I am being goofy ask Dawn “How do you live with him” Because I am making the whole shop laugh…..
…..Now that is a Shaun Dawn likes and I like too, and most important my 2 wee princess will see at an age when it’s all they will remember. They won’t remember the days I was screaming in bed or sitting crying because the pain was killing me. The battle is half won here, I will ease past the rest and it will be hell to the end, but I will do it with ease and people who want to see me better will see that. Again it’s more important my Partner, 2 sons and 2 daughters and my inner circle see a difference. I want to be closer with some and decided I didn’t want to be with others, all of it has been choice since day one. So, the fight carries on and soon the lights will be back on 😀 I can’t wait
On my pain page, I update from time to time: Living with M.E.
More love, less hate
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