Progress report – coming off Dr’s Medication…Part 308

Please read, you will understand 'Hope'

Please read, you will understand ‘Hope’

Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain Issues < Join there if this applies to you, don’t suffer alone. Please, we can help each other, this is my journey and many from Scotland helped me. If we keep it in too long, we one day explode.

[Rant/Vent/TalkingOutLoud] – Just nonsense words for a moment. They mean very little. Always no sympathy, this is a process I was told helps and it does. This isn’t progress report 308, probably more 10. But what this does is allow me to read this in a few months, like I do with blogs like this I did before, and see where I was in terms of mind-set and pain, in theory this is a log I use to help myself but if it helps someone else, why can’t I share my thinking in this moment? I was taking 64 tablets a day 4 Months ago, today I am taking 16 a day. Also I went from usually 30/40Ml 4x a day of Morphine to 4Ml a today , my body is screaming inside, I am hallucinating, I am seeing dead relatives and other things I can’t share because I have no words to express them. resized_walt-meme-meme-generator-cook-meth-they-said-it-will-be-fun-they-said-c730c4I had a family member stay last week and most of the time I had to hide in my room to protect her from seeing what I also protect my 2 princess’s from, my 2 Daughters who are 5 and 6, I don’t want the young girls in my life who I love seeing me coming off this crap, it’s horrid, unfair and all those words. So today I must say without Dawn my partner, I have no idea where I would be today, when I am low she pulls me up, when I am dark she offers me light, she is my rock. We agreed to never say any of this online as we say it face to face but in this moment the credit for this goes to my love, without her smile, her love, her ability to be gentle, I may have given in, maybe, just maybe. Like I always do I turn to be inspired I look for things to inspire me, I find things to make my mind see tomorrow. I share for me and you, be you a confused family member or friend wondering why you see very little of me. What I am going through is preparing me to live again, but in torture & agony, but we always must find a way to keep living, the human body can withstand more than we know if we believe it can. Mind over matter we hear a lot?

You-never-know-how-strong-you-are-until-being-strong-is-your-only-choice-Bob-Marley-quote_0

If Bob can say it and sing about it, surely anyone can right?

Like I say, IF I GIVE UP ON MYSELF, I DIE IN 5 YEARS! I must get muscle tone higher, I have to lose weight, not a lot, just enough to give me a chance. Swimming is the only thing that helps, buoyancy in water makes the pain less. Walking I have started to do but I can’t every day. I could swim 5 mile a day, run 5 mile a day, it would hurt and the pain would never go away. I have also stopped smoking, drinking unhealthy drinks, just small things in a gradual way. Pain I can only describe as all over body toothache, but all I do won’t help the pain it will clear my mind enough to live normally, whatever normal is, truly I have forgotten, it only gives my body a chance to fight back. I have my mind now, 100% I have my mind, I am starting to remember things, time has slowed down. time-doesnt-heal-anything-it-just-teaches-us-how-to-live-with-the-pain-quote-267e9d45bc3a7ff9955027f9588415cf4Example here, I take medication every 4 hours, when I was on full dosage the 4 hours flew past because I was drugged up, today I take the small amounts of medication and after 1 hour in my mind I think “This must be 4 hours” I then look at the clock and see it’s been only 1 hour, this is good news, I am remembering, time is slowing, moments become more, memories last longer. My son sent me this song below and it’s power helps me. I think he knew this song would help me. To the untrained mind this song does not fit my mood and pain in this moment, but it does.   This is what I feel ‘Good’ in my mind and progress I know is happening. I don’t care if 1 person or 10,000 read this, this is for me, so I can look back. When I am where I want to be I can then maybe help others trapped with any kind of chronic illness or issues that made them stand still like I was doing. I know people will laugh when they read this but all my time as a football manger helps me, I used to demand men to fight, to bleed for a cause. I have a cause and trying to do it for me as I once asked of others is there for me, I must scream at myself, I just need to demand my body to not give in. The end of this story will go 2 ways. 1. I am living in the World again, doing things I love with the people I love or 2. This! And this is boring me badly, but changing brain waves is what we must do when the pain is so dull and strong we can’t breath. We must find small tricks to fool our minds. Movies and Music inspire me always, also my group Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain Issues is a source of help for us all, me too. maxresdefaultTo reduce 38 tablets and 20Ml ish of Morphine a day in 4 months is too quick, too fast, I am treading on a fine line here, but I am doing ok, I am borderline dangerous as I do this, but I want it gone. Roughly 7′ AM, 1st December 2015 as I type. Here I am up again, shuffling around the house like a 100 year old person. Utterly shattered. Can’t sleep. The pain I am in, I was told a year or so ago by my Dr’s/Pain Team is similar to someone in their final moments dying of Cancer or Aids (HIV). Comforted I ‘wasn’t’ when I had the workings of my illness explained to me. I am doing real well though. I might not be able to do something today but this doesn’t mean I can’t tomorrow. I just hope this isn’t all a strange placebo effect I am sharing. Till the next step….

The Weeknd Wicked Games LYRICS
[VIDEO] Via: Reema CB on You Tube

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Shauny

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4 comments on “Progress report – coming off Dr’s Medication…Part 308

  1. Good to see you taking steps to enrich your life matey. And yes, your courage is inspiring even if you do not see it yourself.

    Quite enjoyed the song, except for the liberal use of the F word. Very expressive lyrics.

    Stay well.

    Liked by 1 person

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