So, here I am blogging, but this isn’t a story, this isn’t even interesting. But I have this page and now I have been awake for almost 20 hours, totally shattered, closed eyes, feels I am drifting to sleep then your body feels like it got an electric shock. When I said “Blogging is boring” I think I should have said “This shit is boring” I can say ‘No Sympathy’ 100 times a day yet I am thankful to the people who speak out loud and others who talk to me in private, same as I do with people like me or worse. The people I like best are the people who don’t talk about this, yet irony strikes and here I am writing my thoughts down. I am in a fight for life, every day it becomes more, I feel it more and understand it more. If I don’t get off this medication and get my muscle tone better its curtains for any resemblance of a life in 5 years. Soon and sadly one of my kids moves out of the house and I am already buying stuff to make it a gym of sorts for the year I am allowed the room before my Partner takes it off me and gives it to the Girls as a room for TV/Wii/Laptops/Tablets and all the stuff little girls do, giving them their own space, bit of trust as they will be 6 and 7 in a year, but all good. So staring January I am going to kill myself to make me alive. I never boxed for any honors; my Dad put me in with a real good trainer who had a UK Belt for his weight. 2 or 3 nights a week between Football training I was learning to defend myself. That was the deal my Dad imposed on me “You don’t fight till you can defend” Then girls and drink got in the way and the rest is fun. But at a tender age of 42 years old I see the fight, I fight it every day. But like I said before, the more I wake up from the medication that was horrendous levels, the slower my life is going. I am remembering things, days seem longer and slower. I still have 6 Months to go and I started 10 months ago, so I am 2/3 way there, this is the hardest bit, but I say that every Monday when I go in the right direction with good deeds to myself, like coming off 1 more tablet, and I feel it for weeks or a month, my body and mind screams for what is almost Heroin because it’s the same. Now my body is ready to be self harmed in a good way as I beat the crap out of myself punching, moving and when the pain comes harder I punch harder. The reason I blogged was to get it out my system so after the festive period I don’t need this page to say what I do, I just go do! Also, people may think it’s a weakness to write as I do, I disagree, it takes guts to write this. I have a good mate, suffers from deep depression that is so dark he is suicidal, he came out one day and told the world and not 1 person seen it coming. Point I am making is “How many sit and suffer”? I choose my ways at my time and we all deserve this right. And if people think I care what hate comes to me does, understand I never feel the hate. I ask for it often, I write to be belittled if people want to lower themselves, to be told I am less if people want too, but in reality it’s a handful of kids probably. To be told I will fail helps me so I can prove it to myself that one day I won’t be on here and my amazing life re-starts in a new form. This is a real fight for life right now; if I lose my kids literally grow up with a dreaded day every year at a young age, for my kids for my partner my mum my sister some family and friends and others, sure. But for me 1st. Because if there is no me, there is no life for them with me and I refuse to lay down. Maybe 1 day I can help them stand up when they fall and they might, we all do, I fell but this is me standing back up now, you ain’t reading the start here, you are reading the end chapter, so I can’t confuse my feelings here. Trust me, knowing this pain, this level of human suffering, same suffering I read and hear over Skype or a phone call, man you can’t not care, but I ruin it always by saying “I have no fear” There isn’t a man alive I would be afraid from, he would beat me but fear is choice. When you are as low as I have been fear becomes your friend, fear pushes you on, makes you want it more, then one day fear goes and discipline and order start to take over. I did boxing, football, I worked, part time DJ for free and fun and a ton more as a kid and adult, I was taking the World on, doing things I was taking for granted and take for granted today still, as I always say the small detail is always the biggest and every time I demand the impossible for myself, I make it a mountain, an enemy almost, done it before, I won, we won. I spent and spend so much time telling others to stand up, now I have to hate this room, I must make this room my enemy. Images of whomever and whatever will go up on this rooms walls, they will be my enemy till I beat it. Strange way to look at it but I need away and the words from family and strangers to help, I am due many a pint, but I am not out the woods just yet. I am good for a party of course, so don’t discount me just yet, this isn’t the real me here, this is tired sore me, I am actually a goofball in real life, I make rooms laugh, well most 😀 Anyway, it’s now 7 AM+, I am going to lay down and try close my eyes. No sympathy, if anything just know you are behind me as I would you. I ask to be left alone to fight. I have my two wee princesses’ to win for. In life we need reasons to step forward. I have dozens of reasons, but I use the ones that will make me hurt myself more. I have to die trying. Also if you don’t blog, DON’T START 😀 Honest, it’s humble comfort is like addiction. That is how I see this here, a comfort zone for my mind. If 1 person reads it brilliant, if nobody reads it then it does not matter. For me it’s not what people think, it’s about me escaping fear, writing so close to the bone because I must give reason to the fight that is coming. Come July 2016 I want to be a man people won’t recognize, I want to be a better person, better father, partner, son and brother, friend too. These are my words laid bare for all to see. But in reality I have shared nothing here, only my piss poor story.
Pharrell Williams – Happy (Official Music Video)
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