Tonight as my family are at a party, I am not. It was my choice, but a choice forced through pain. I dropped my girls at the party and drove home, made a cup of tea and a friend called Will McCulloch on Twitter had tagged me and a few others into a song. I hadn’t heard this song for many a year and I watched it and it’s lyrics and I felt every word, the song and lyrics are in a video below and they fit perfect for my mind in this moment. Sympathy seems to be what people think what I want in life. The facts are I make friends and then they go away, I send them away, hurt them, and I hide. Before I was in the World, a part of living, out most nights doing things I was passionate about, and here I am on self destruction mode again. I don’t have a ‘Death Date’ sadly, I have been pain for 17 years now, a pain I am told that is similar to someone moments from Death with Aids or Cancer. I never thanked the Hospital Dr for telling me that because placebo can play tricks on the human mind. I hurt people, I walk away from people and it’s my choice. Thing is, I HATE MYSELF FOR DOING WHAT I DO. I have 3 disabilities and in the end I am just always playing the sympathy ‘Disabled Card’ But never with intention. The pain I am in just now would drive many to suicide and it does. I won’t do that. But I must maybe leave or go and find something I can connect with, because all I do is hurt the people I love and almost kill people who look at me the wrong way. This is my blog, my page, my words. They are mine to keep and to own, please, if you don’t like them then don’t reply, go fuck off. If you are a friend talk to me in private or something. I am sick of being this version of myself. I WILL HURT YOU, I am going through hell, no matter what I do or say I hurt people. The disability acted for me and people walked away from me. Thanks for understanding pain and hurt! I know everyone has a story, hurt, pain, an issue, a life, I GET THAT. But I remember a World where people actually fucking cared. I am sorry to swear but I don’t belong with this species, I know several people like me, they are not ill, they are just people I love to talk to, some in my life, some on-line as is today’s ways when we embrace social media. I don’t get the Human Special, I feel Alien to you all. But I don’t hate, PLEASE remember that. Also my pain is typing for me here, my lack of medication is acting for me here.
Ain’t life a motherfucker? 😀