Living with Psychosis, Fibro, M.E. & PTSD – 4 Disabilities

download

4 Disabilities, M.E. (Myalgic Mencephalomyelitis) + Fibromyalgia + PTSD and Psychosis are on their own a burden to your loved ones and friends. Having all 4 is impossible. Suicide is in my thoughts from time to time because living in so much pain and M.E that makes you fall asleep while the house is on fire becomes anger, so trying to not be hate or anger is hard, pain that I can only describe as ‘All over body toothache’ make me feel less for my partner and kids. I started boxing training early 2016 but it is very slow and I had to stop as it was just impossible. Having pain and knowing pain makes you understand people who suffer better, anyone who has any Chronic Illness has a bigger story than the pain. I reach out and if others reach back it helps. So, I reach always. Never do I ask for sympathy, just understanding and hope of a cure for myself and others around the World who suffer in an unfair way. Today in mid 2017 I can no longer blog, my mind can’t stay alive long enough to remember and when I was blogging near the end I spoke and another typed, that got too hard, so we had to stop. Blogging gave me a platform to ‘TALK ABOUT MY ISSUES’ and when I did, many others with issues reached back, as I was reaching out. Suicidal, Depressed, living in 24/7 AGONY, Sleeping for days, awake for days, confusion, brain fog, loss of short-term memory (AND A LOT MORE ISSUES I WOULD NOT SHARE) is hell, I depend on others to help me dress, eat, to go out when I need to go out. I can hardly drive alone, so I do about 1,000 miles a year!! Maybe less. The impact on my family has been HORRIFIC and that is the worst thing. I can take the pain because I have 4 kids, grandson born and grandaughter on the way, 2 sons in early-mid 20’s and 2 Daughters no 6 and 7 years old. I have to hide from them most of the day for long spells to hide the pain. I used to be active, volunteer work with kids when I was FORCED to sign off work for LIFE against my will. Today I know I can’t be employed, nobody could or would employ me due to M.E. (Myalgic Mencephalomyelitis) + Fibromyalgia + PTSD and Psychosis – Sometimes I just want to give up, but then I look at my kids, my partner, my grandkids, family and friends and take the Hell life has handed many people like me. I was a bad boy as a youth and young adult, often I feel I am suffering Karma due to what I did. Before age 10 I knew blood and fear, no blood from me, but the fear of LIFE growing up in Muirhouse Edinburgh with a Family who were well known, had shops, mobile vans and more was brilliant at the time, today looking back I KNOW the past (THAT I JUST CAN’T REALLY TELL ALL ABOUT) did this. I feel like others in the same position as me who might read this. I feel useless, stupid, embarrassing and embarrassed. I seldom go out now due to ‘Fear’ of others knowing my inner demons I hide best I can. I could live till 100 years old, and knowing my luck I will. Another 49 years of this DOES NOT SEEM GOOD. For now I have to be here for them. To anyone reading DO NOT GIVE UP, even though you want to. Don’t take ‘Day by day’, go more ‘Moment to moment’, it’s all some can do. Just try, all any human can do….

t80qwm

I told my story on an American Website on July 2nd 2013 @ https://deliberatedonkey.wordpress.com/

Should’ve stayed, were there signs, I ignored?
Can I help you, not to hurt, anymore?
We saw brilliance, when the world, was asleep
There are things that we can have, but can’t keep
If they say
Who cares if one more light goes out?
In a sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone’s time runs out?
If a moment is all we are
We’re quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well I do
The reminders pull the floor from your feet
In the kitchen, one more chair than you need oh
And you’re angry, and you should be, it’s not fair
Just ’cause you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it, isn’t there
If they say
Who cares if one more light goes out?
In a sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone’s time runs out?
If a moment is all we are
We’re quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well I do
Who cares if one more light goes out?
In a sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone’s time runs out?
If a moment is all we are
We’re quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well I do
Well I do

 

Shaun

CHANGE THESE SIGNS!!

The one on the right does not act on behalf of most disabled people, the one on the left is closer. We MUST change this sign!!

~~~

ShaunyGibson Twitter: @ShaunyScot
Skype Username: shaunyg1973
ShaunyCeltic Twitter: @ShaunyCeltic