Living with Psychosis, Fibro, M.E. & PTSD – 4 Disabilities

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4 Disabilities, M.E. (Myalgic Mencephalomyelitis) + Fibromyalgia + PTSD and Psychosis are on their own a burden to your loved ones and friends. Having all 4 is impossible. Suicide is in my thoughts from time to time because living in so much pain and M.E that makes you fall asleep while the house is on fire becomes anger, so trying to not be hate or anger is hard, pain that I can only describe as ‘All over body toothache’ make me feel less for my partner and kids. I started boxing training early 2016 but it is very slow and I had to stop as it was just impossible. Having pain and knowing pain makes you understand people who suffer better, anyone who has any Chronic Illness has a bigger story than the pain. I reach out and if others reach back it helps. So, I reach always. Never do I ask for sympathy, just understanding and hope of a cure for myself and others around the World who suffer in an unfair way. Today in mid 2017 I can no longer blog, my mind can’t stay alive long enough to remember and when I was blogging near the end I spoke and another typed, that got too hard, so we had to stop. Blogging gave me a platform to ‘TALK ABOUT MY ISSUES’ and when I did, many others with issues reached back, as I was reaching out. Suicidal, Depressed, living in 24/7 AGONY, Sleeping for days, awake for days, confusion, brain fog, loss of short-term memory (AND A LOT MORE ISSUES I WOULD NOT SHARE) is hell, I depend on others to help me dress, eat, to go out when I need to go out. I can hardly drive alone, so I do about 1,000 miles a year!! Maybe less. The impact on my family has been HORRIFIC and that is the worst thing. I can take the pain because I have 4 kids, grandson born and grandaughter on the way, 2 sons in early-mid 20’s and 2 Daughters no 6 and 7 years old. I have to hide from them most of the day for long spells to hide the pain. I used to be active, volunteer work with kids when I was FORCED to sign off work for LIFE against my will. Today I know I can’t be employed, nobody could or would employ me due to M.E. (Myalgic Mencephalomyelitis) + Fibromyalgia + PTSD and Psychosis – Sometimes I just want to give up, but then I look at my kids, my partner, my grandkids, family and friends and take the Hell life has handed many people like me. I was a bad boy as a youth and young adult, often I feel I am suffering Karma due to what I did. Before age 10 I knew blood and fear, no blood from me, but the fear of LIFE growing up in Muirhouse Edinburgh with a Family who were well known, had shops, mobile vans and more was brilliant at the time, today looking back I KNOW the past (THAT I JUST CAN’T REALLY TELL ALL ABOUT) did this. I feel like others in the same position as me who might read this. I feel useless, stupid, embarrassing and embarrassed. I seldom go out now due to ‘Fear’ of others knowing my inner demons I hide best I can. I could live till 100 years old, and knowing my luck I will. Another 49 years of this DOES NOT SEEM GOOD. For now I have to be here for them. To anyone reading DO NOT GIVE UP, even though you want to. Don’t take ‘Day by day’, go more ‘Moment to moment’, it’s all some can do. Just try, all any human can do….

t80qwm

I told my story on an American Website on July 2nd 2013 @ https://deliberatedonkey.wordpress.com/

My lover’s got humour
She’s the giggle at a funeral
Knows everybody’s disapproval
I should’ve worshipped her soonerIf the heavens ever did speak
She’s the last true mouthpiece
Every Sunday’s getting more bleak
A fresh poison each week”We were born sick,” you heard them say it

My church offers no absolutes
She tells me, “Worship in the bedroom.”
The only heaven I’ll be sent to
Is when I’m alone with you

I was born sick
But I love it
Command me to be well
Aaay. Amen. Amen. Amen.

[Chorus 2x:]
Take me to church
I’ll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I’ll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life

If I’m a pagan of the good times
My lover’s the sunlight
To keep the Goddess on my side
She demands a sacrifice

Drain the whole sea
Get something shiny
Something meaty for the main course
That’s a fine-looking high horse
What you got in the stable?
We’ve a lot of starving faithful

That looks tasty
That looks plenty
This is hungry work

[Chorus 2x:]
Take me to church
I’ll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I’ll tell you my sins so you can sharpen your knife
Offer me my deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life

No Masters or Kings
When the Ritual begins
There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin

In the madness and soil of that sad earthly scene
Only then I am human
Only then I am clean
Ooh oh. Amen. Amen. Amen.

[Chorus 2x:]
Take me to church
I’ll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies
I’ll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife
Offer me that deathless death
Good God, let me give you my life

Shaun

CHANGE THESE SIGNS!!

The one on the right does not act on behalf of most disabled people, the one on the left is closer. We MUST change this sign!!

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ShaunyGibson Twitter: @ShaunyScot
Skype Username: shaunyg1973
ShaunyCeltic Twitter: @ShaunyCeltic