Life With Suicide & Pain & Confusion

This is just my story, we all have one, some share to care, some don’t talk, they keep it in, so I do this hoping others open up, watching others suffer is worse than what I THINK I am going through, THIS ENTIRE BLOG IS NOT ABOUT ME. I was born in mid 1973 and 3 months premature, I had an operation done that was the 1st ever of its kind in these first few months of my life, the Dr was flown over from Germany to fix the problem as my body had not completely finished growing to a baby as normal, I was 2/3 of the way to a proper birth that should have been late October 1973. I was born into a life no child should have been born into, but I bare no hate or anger against any person or loved one. Hate must end one day, what holds us together as families and friends is dissolving in our World, I can see it, can you?

I was born into crime and all the worst elements of what crime is, as a kid age 6/7/8 years old when I can today look back to, small images of terror and worse, it was wrong, but I blame nobody, today I live for my life and loved ones and my reasons, back then when I was a baby all the people in my life were living life for their reasons at the time. I speak to the few who are older today still and they regretted A LOT, but a few say “I regretted it now, but at the time I had reason to act or do as I did” and I must let all that go and respect that.

Today I have 4 kids, live in an area for old people and disabled people mainly in the North/West of Scotland almost at the start of the Scottish highlands. My 2 sons have grown up brilliantly, I shielded them from my demons and the people who made my youth horrific, my Sons were protected from this, and both are in love, work hard and are going to be Fathers in their own rights. I also have my Partner who I first met when I was a 12 year old kid, she was 11. We have 2 Daughters we know were sent as Angels to ‘Fix’ all the things that were wrong, both my Angels are early primary School age, 7 and 6 years old. So today is about letting the past go and living while looking forward.

I told my story on the site of an amazing woman called Mel who has this website here: https://deliberatedonkey.com/ 

Today I am bed-ridden mostly, I sleep 2 days, can be awake for 3 days, I have no pattern nor plans, I don’t live a life where I can say “Yeah we will be at the Wedding in 2 months” or “Yeah I will meet my sons and go watch the football next Saturday” I can’t do any of these things because I can’t promise anything. I live in moments but always today’s moments, like right now as I type this. Yesterday is gone yeah, but often we must look back in order to understand today so we can then in turn plan for tomorrow, it really is that simple for me, but it’s still impossible. In the end I can only try and get out of bed, I can only try and be Shaun for today, I can only try and make that next step. But one thing is for sure, I will not be labelled then judged into submission by a World and Species who see 1 action and define us all by 1 action and disregard a million other actions we have take or done. Disabled people, scared people, ill people, depressed people, people unhappy, whatever people are suffering, we must try right? But we can’t be picky and choose ONLY to help people or A PEOPLE because it fits with our beliefs, we MUST help the whole World, not just the developed 1st World. But that is another story. My father says to me today “Son, I cry for Humanity” He said it to me as a young man and I didn’t understand, today with a kids of my own I totally get it, and agree. But for the people I love, I will fight and do WHATEVER it takes to keep them safe.

I told my story here: Beatings, drugs and more through the eyes of a child – And I am glad I did, it was on an American site and I needed to release it all, but family and friends have read it, so I can no longer hide it, so you can click the link above, or read it here below the song ♫ Imagine ♫. Some of the links are gone as I renamed my Blog to what it is today

More love less hate, Shaun

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Myself aged around 10 years old in the Isle of Skye

Myself aged around 10 years old in the Isle of Skye, North West Scotland

“The Family” I was the youngest and most looked after

As I grew older, by the age of 14 or so I was dealing drugs, cannabis, a friend of a friend would give it to me and I would be told how much to give him back. Being “His Son” came with certain privileges in my life at 14 years old. My Partner who I am still with today was a friend back then and I used to tell her the stories and cry and we cuddled, just as friends.

When I was roughly 15 there was a family wedding, I can’t remember whose wedding or where it was, what I do remember was the hurt I seen that night. Someone had dared to stare at Mum and the poor man got him dragged outside, someone opened the boot of a car if I remember rightly, and out came baseball bats and worse, I had followed them out and right at the back of the hotel, for 10 minutes or so they beat this man, about 5 of them, I don’t remember my Dad being there, I think it was maybe his friends? but this is guesswork. The man who looked at my Mum was getting hammered badly by these men, but the weapons and baseball bats kept coming, the men doing it were laughing. Once they were done someone opened he boot of another car and put all the weapons into what looked like a rolled up rug or bed sheet. They left and I slowly walked over to the man who was groaning in bad pain, he was fucked up badly, I stood there 15 years old thinking “What power to have at my disposal” looking back my mind was already gone, my young mind had been eroded into hatred and I wanted to have the same power as my Dad. All I can say is, for a few years until my oldest son was born I carried a lot of say with the kids my age in the North of Edinburgh. I did things I can only say I did because it was in my nature, it was taught to me, and I never knew better, nobody had ever said this is wrong, apart from one person, the same girl I used to confide in, my partner who I live with today, she would say “This is wrong” One night, as kids we were going out, boyfriend and girlfriend and some lad tried to chat her up in the street where we all used get drunk at weekends, I was drunk and in-front of about 20 friends and the partner I am with now, I made sure this lad knew Dawn was mine. Dawn never spoke to me for a few months due to this event. She was different, the way I went about making her mine was a story we still talk about, I just loved her, she was just so different to what I was used to, she cared and loved, not a bad bone in her body

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“The Family” I was the youngest and most looked after

Back at home the beatings carried on, my mum and dad would host parties and grown woman would be getting raped in every bedroom there it seemed, sometimes by a few men at the same time. White powder was all over and brown powder also. I seen another man hurt badly at another party, he tried it on with some woman he shouldn’t have, several men cornered him in the Kitchen and a man got what looked like a small knife and calmly told him why he was wrong while slowly pushing this knife towards him, or poking him with the end of it. I remember the man was being held, I remember him having a hand over his mouth, I remember him pissing his pants and the look of terror in his eyes as the pain came to his body, I stared and stared as this poor man was being hurt for speaking to the wrong woman. I felt no emotion, no fear, no nothing. Pity for a man who was hurting 10 feet in front of me, I think he ran out the back door

Around the same time My Mum, Dad and I went to Newcastle in the North East of England, we stopped off at a Little Chef for a bite to eat, we sat, the three of us at a table for 4 and we ordered our food, picture the scene, middle of Summer, middle of the day in a busy restaurant. Some man was staring at my Mum, my Dad stood up, asked this man what he was looking at. Grabbed a chair and beat the man into a pool of blood, we were told to get our coats by Dad and we left. About 30 minutes later we got stopped by two police cars around Cold stream, a small town on the way to England, I don’t know how, but my Dad got back in the car, laughing and we carried on our journey. He “Was” an evil man. I trashed his £20,000 sports car once for hitting my mum, he stopped soon after

As time rolled on I became a father at 17 and moved away from home, with the only woman who ever understood what I was going through, the only person to say it was wrong, the love of my life, my partner who I am still with today.

I started to act almost the same as my Dad when I was around 18 and I did a bit of jail time, at this point I was “His Son” so it didn’t matter, people were probably paid and given drugs on the inside to look after me. I could take care of myself, but not against say, 5 grown men. I remember still the last time I was in prison sitting in my cell and starting to be a human. When I got out from Prison my Dad who had just divorced my Mum was there to meet me and he gave me a hard time for letting Dawn down while we had a baby boy. I said to him “This is rich coming from you” or words to that affect.

Looking back, once my Dad realized I wanted to be him, he changed his lifestyle. He asked me to change mine, it took a year or so for it to all fall into place, and we had hiccups on the way, we argued all the time. He hit woman and I always brought it up. He would never hit a woman now. I don’t get on with his new wife, and when I was younger, during a house party I stupidly said “Why don’t you hit her like you hit my Mum” he replied “I have changed, I am not proud of who I was, but I am not that guy anymore” and it made complete sense as I was getting into my mid 20’s. In the end my Dad seeing his youngest son going in and out of jail and doing real bad things, taking drugs and more, he changed me, we both grew up. We both saved each other. By this time my Mum was remarried and I had a little sister to my Mum’s new husband, people were moving on. My Dad now lives 500 and more miles away in the middle of nowhere, me and my Mum still have our issues, we argue sometimes, I guess because we both fight the same demons. She is with a famous man in Scotland now, for the right reasons famous kind of man. Not for all the wrong reasons.

Looking back through the eyes of a child seeing and hearing what I did, no child should ever have to witness that, no child should be exposed to that, but it was a lifetime ago now. Nobody sits and boasts about it. I have a family member in one of the toughest jails in Scotland doing life for Murder today. It was accidental murder. He is in his late 20’s, he was made and brought up to be the new “Big Man” and he failed, and we are all glad he did, he can’t harm anyone where he is. But sad also he ended up there

These days as I approach my 40th birthday (It is Today), I live with the guilt and the demons, and I am told on an almost daily basis not to. I feel for everyone who I seen lose something, I pray for them. When my 2nd son was born I walked away from it all, “The Family” I stepped out of the shadow of being “His Son” and became my own man, here are the memories http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/06/08/the-football-story-i-never-told/ I became Shaun the football manager for 15 years until roughly 18 month ago where my Chronic Pain Syndrome became so severe I had to stop. I loved working with kids, I loved football (Soccer)

I would change a lot of things I did, but if I did would I be with my Partner? Would I have my 4 kids, would I be in the house I am in, in the area I am in? The answer is no. I would have gone on being the idiot till I got life in jail or was killed or dead

I would not wish violence on anyone these days. The only time old Shaun comes out to play is if I see a man hit a woman, I Iost it. I don’t always hit people, but I can’t help it. What I seen woman go through, be them willing participants or not, I can’t stand still if I see it happen. Men should not hit woman.

So now 15 years after wonderful memories in Football, here I am disabled and struggle to walk most days. If this is my punishment so be it, but I never asked to be taught that, to be exposed to that, to see these things. Once I became self aware with two young sons, I got out of Vegas. I became love and light and still to this day thank my partner for being there the whole time. She was the difference. We met and were meant to be. I am love and light as I say, I care now, and all that went before makes it easy for me to help steer a kid up the right path, when it happens, it is amazing, sadly I had to stop football http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/05/16/the-dream-died-no-football-for-uncle-shaun/  I know  I went back and forwards with my age here but I was remembering things as I wrote. I just told my story here, I had to leave out a lot of bad stuff, but use your imagination, trust me, it was horrific, and I guess this is why I have no fear now, I fear dying too young and leaving Dawn, but no man scares me or could get into my mind, the ability to turn that switch off came to me many years ago, people still try and play mind games, I just laugh and block them, they are sad and pathetic, same as the people from my past I guess

Thank you for allowing me to share my life on your page Melanie, my message is simple, allow love into your hearts, and our lives can change in any way we want it, anger, depression, hurt, despair, and all  these emotions exist only if you allow them into your heart, I stopped allowing people to get to me or annoy me or find a way to me. I don’t care if I ever get hurt, but I will always protect my family, old Shaun is in here somewhere, with luck he won’t show up again, just everyone, smile and be happy, if you are reading this you are lucky, you have the internet, a home, food, money, even if only enough to survive, trust me, money and power will destroy you and all around you should you let it in. These are my memories from being a kid, so this is why I don’t return there in my mind and  I now allow my kids to be happy, they look to me for strength and guidance now. So I must stay strong, when the bad times come these days, we deal with it as a family, and we do it with love and cuddles, don’t allow your past to destroy you, please!

Any questions? Please fire away on this page, also I have Skype shaunyg1973 I will talk to anyone, I do want to help, people say they are beyond help, this is wrong, people do change, I am living proof as are some of my family, the most evil of people I once knew are now a delight to be with. But there are still people in my family I do avoid, not out of fear, out of respect for myself the kids and Dawn. I will not go back there, I made it so we will have enough money to live and not depend on others, so this is what I will do. Did I make mistakes, oh yes, did I know any better? No, I was a child then a confused young man. Today I just smile, laugh and love and give and  try to repay to God the damage I may have caused to anyone. It is hard to live know you did things, but God helps if you ask, so ask, don’t live unhappy, there really is no need, you can break free, I know a girl who blogs who broke free and allows others to tell their story, so we are both living proof people can change their way. Thank you again Melanie, I love you tons.

More love, less hate

Shaun