♫ One More Light ♫ A Song for people trying to see the World – Imagine

🙏👉🌍🌏🌎👀👈✌️

When we sit down and don’t speak because we may worry what others may think, we oppress ourselves and each other. When we stand up and speak, we liberate ourselves and those around us. Before we can see the World and understand the World around us, first we must understand ourselves, accept ourselves and learn to like ourselves. Only then can we turn and look at the World without the basic human emotions that cloud our every thought, day and impulse. These 3 emotions are #HATE #ANGER and #FEAR. Once we remove, if we can remove these emotions, then life becomes something else, we become something else. Self importance dissipates and we see the World, we hear the World, we become less selfish and more caring towards first our own lives and Worlds, then the actual World itself. Selfish people doing selfish things for selfish gain will in the end be alone, those who decide to reach out are never alone. Down the right-hand side of my blog are video’s, each a video I seen that gave me power of my own thoughts. The video that hit me most is the Charlie Chaplin great dictator speech, it is Words spoken in 1940 when our World was at War, but the Words ring true today, the images speak of the selfish acts that many of us can feel. Some feel, some can’t. We must respect this because to be free is to allow freedom of others, as long as no harm is being done, sadly much harm is happening Globally as I type, as you read. People are in Genocide being killed for Selfish reasons, yet only a few of us care. If each day every living soul awoke with one purpose, example of purpose would be ‘To make one person smile’ Imagine we ALL did this, we could change the World over-night. The very thing many of us crave is in sight, but the blind are blinded by consumption of selfish acts by selfish perverted people. We must stand up, we must unite. I know I am not alone, and neither are you. Will you look only at yourself or will you look at the World and care? I grew up with an elder telling me “I cry for Humanity”, so my Childhood till today has been a journey of discovery of self, my World and yours. Education is simple if we know it exists outside our own front door or even our own minds. Life is hard, yet many make it harder, so logic tells us life can be easier. Living in the moment meant this moment only, moments of self reflection come and go for me personally, what about you?

MORE LOVE, LESS HATE

blogger-for-peace-van-2

BLOGGERS FOR PEACE AND SANITY

THIS DOES NOT REPRESENT ALL DISABLED PEOPLE

THIS DOES NOT REPRESENT ALL DISABLED PEOPLE

Shaun Gibson Twitter: @ShaunyScot
Skype Username: shaunyg1973
Shaun Celtic FC Twitter: @ShaunyCeltic

THE ABOVE IMAGE NEEDS CHANGED TO THIS - THIS REPRESENTS 'BETTER' FOR SOCIETY TO JUDGE

THE ABOVE IMAGE NEEDS CHANGED TO THIS – THIS REPRESENTS ‘BETTER’ FOR SOCIETY TO JUDGE

 

 

 

To Blog Or Not To Blog – Disabled Scottish Person, Please Read On…..

what-to-blog-aboutRecently I have decided to come off all medication for my Fibromyalgia, Dihydrocodeine, Tramadol, Diazepam and Morphine as the medication does nothing and I am finding no medication is the same pain as with medication. So basically I am addicted to medication I don’t really want nor need. I closed my Face book down and that will stay closed. I am not the biggest fan of social media but when I delete things a day later when my state of mind is different I think “Shit, why did I do that” And always with stupid things like this I am aware it means nothing really, nobody is hurt, nobody is offended, it’s just the mindset of the disease doing things I don’t really have control over. Many see disabled people working, doing sport and presume everyone can, sadly with what I have all the fresh air and exercise in the world actually makes it harder, this is what I wish people would get. Family say “Exercise” or “Get our and get fresh air” I want to scream “IT MAKES ME WORSE YOU BREAST” or words to that effect 😀 QnFEjTIfu6V6deDnAzBca8pQYxn5sqDpDJcHEhxzuqSINZ9iS86he82R7xoupNwDI so enjoy writing, when days are hard I stick on my Sennheiser HD headset, blast music into my brain to alter the brainwaves and write. I was writing in 3 places and it was too much, something had to go, something had to change. The 2 days since I put this blog into ‘Park’ I have had very little medication and just allowed the pain to knock me out, it worked as I slept about 35 hours on and off. Here I am on a freezing cold Tuesday night wishing I hadn’t told Ace News I can’t write for them, wishing I hadn’t said to another great lad at TCN I wasn’t going to write football either. So I guess tonight I am annoyed with this disease, not myself, just this brutal illness.

225-DISABILITY2We sufferers of this invisible illness suffer from day 1, we lose the ability first to work, then fun things we did go, mine, as you know was being a football manager, then family and friends go and from then on in we just lose things and our family think we want sympathy, this couldn’t be further from the truth. We just need family to understand why we don’t visit any more, why we don’t call as often, that, for me is the worst part of this disease. The pain is 100% brutal and unfair, it’s unfair on my partner, my 2 sons and my 2 daughters firstly then my family and friends. I have no control, I am 41 years old and had to endure this ‘Devils Disease’ for 17 years now

I get frustrated at sheeple

I get frustrated at sheeple

I get easily frustrated when I write things, I write alternative news 8 times out of 10. I write how the USA is turning into a fascist police state and it frustrates me when American people won’t debate it but I understand why you all don’t, you live in a country where if you say the wrong thing you get a knock on the door, it’s a horrible country to live in I keep getting told, if truth be told I would visit and do a tour should I ever be able to leave this Island I live on close to the North pole. I get frustrated when my kin, Scottish people don’t understand why we need to get Scotland out of the English War Machine, we don’t want to be a part of it, sadly we have fools in our land in Scotland same as any other country. There are only 5 million of us, 3.6 Million voted in the referendum with 1.6 Million voting ‘Aye’, but 2 Million voting ‘Naw’, we are, as things stand in charge of much of Scotland, we control our own things in some ways, we have different laws from England, we will free one day, but we need the fools who listen to Tory and Labour lies, in many people’s eyes, Labour who used to be for the working man/family sided with Thatcherism in the form of the Tory party, it is like your Wife having sex with your Dad, this is how it is for Labour.

So close! So close we changed British Politics for all of time

So close! So close we changed British Politics for all of time and got more devolved powers, more will come

So I think my Country will at least have home rule in 2 years, free within 5 years. People in Scotland need to get to grips, many think it’s only the Scottish leaders, be them politicians, police, media and even Football’s governing body, tell lies and side with whoever in whatever debate, Scotland this is a Global thing, go speak to Americans, Russians, Chinese, Australian, it’s a World thing. Many here think it only exists in Scotland, that inequality comes only in Scotland. This is an amazing place to live, if you want a life of solitude Scotland is a country, one of many, where you can literally go live in the middle of nowhere, nearest neighbour 50 miles away and just enjoy life on your own, I kinda did this, when I am older I will be that person who’s nearest neighbour is 50 miles away, it’s been decided in my home at the highest level 🙂

So the title says it all. I actually love to write in the sense I get crap out of my mind and onto what I see is a piece of paper the World can read. I am close to 1,000,000, that’s 1 Million hits but I have closed Shaun’y News down twice now, I am a MOMENT guy, I act in moments, some I love some I am like “Shaun FOR THE LOVE OF GOD” I am my worst enemy often.tumblr_m44n7cicE91rv9jzto1_400.jpegBeing aware I am my worst own enemy is healthy I guess. I just hate myself when I let Ace News and TCN down because my illness gets the better off me on a day. I stress little but when I stress the pain triples and I act on impulse. I spoke with my partner today and she said “Writing allows you to not get cranky with the kids or annoying” so she supports me writing, so I have to be thankful I have her right here to say “It’s ok to not be ok sometimes” knowing it’s ok to not be ok is actually ok, my partner cuddled me earlier today and said this, so with all the pain and annoying (To me) stuff that happens! HOW LUCKY AM I?! Seriously I complain a lot but in reality I am one fecking blessed man. OK, I have pain, it makes me stay in bed for days on end, it makes me want to go back to ‘Old Shaun’ <(You can click that, it’s a link to Old Shaun) Its-Okay-Not-To-Be-Okay

Don't humour me, :D

Don’t humour me, 😀

But I have people under the roof I sit under now who speak to me as just Dad or Shaun, I have people under this roof keeping me from doing things of old. My 23 year old son is learning about what WE all go through and he has started to talk about my illness, leading to us talking his illness, he suffers seizures ‘Touch Wood’ (A term we use as a superstition, touching wood signifies we don’t mean something or hope that thing doesn’t happen) So I have 2 people (3 Really) that keep me smiling right here, my two Princess’s Chloe (4) and Courtney (5) make me laugh, smile, cry and it is a privilege to be a parent I believe, we get to watch life being born then love them to death, teach them and in return they give unconditional love back, it’s amazing being a Dad to 2 little girls, it’s always fun, never dull, so I am lucky, even in pain, I am lucky. I have mates who make me laugh when we are away in a car up to ‘God only knows’ I am a ‘Lad’ I am always up to stupid stuff, having a laugh with my mates and some family I enjoy being around, one in particular who lives over the bridge taking us to the Highlands. So here I am writing freehand, not thinking, just typing what comes to my mind. And in reality, that is the reason I love to write. I am no writer, I am same as you, just someone doing something that is decent fun. All this blog was is me typing and talking to myself basically as I type here, I just opened a Word document and started to write, so that was it 😀  Please don’t say “Glad to see you/Glad you are writing/Hope you are ok” or any of that. It is what it is, this is the existence for many of us, I am one of many, it’s just the way the dice roll, it’s the hand we have been dealt. I didn’t write this, in fairness, just for myself, I am aware others are out there reading this but unable to say what I just did. I have a message for you, YOU CAN!! Use a made up name, whatever, let it out, let go, allow it in, help yourself because people that don’t do that end up doing the wrong thing, making the hardest call of their life and stopping, ending it, refusing to take life any more. I am fine, others are not. Talk, feck what others tell you, I do! Tell your story if it makes you feel better, don’t be a society person, just be a you person, do things you like, things that make you happy, to hell with what family, friends idiots on-line think, when we succumb to this stupidity we allow the World to dictate our being, no chance of that here, I own my World, I control my World, I decide who is in my life and who is not. How many do the opposite and end up unhappy? I am just saying, feck what society tells you, to hell with people, don’t be a sheep, be a fox, be alone in your ways without pushing people away, we all push people away in life, I have recently, but I am man enough to pull them back in. Are you…………..?

Till the next time

More love, less hate

Shauny

Days when you feel ugly inside and out

Stuck in my own mind

Stuck in my own mind

 

 

Today is one of these days where I feel I am not worthy of the love and attention from loved ones. I am in my bubble. Remember this? http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/03/05/when-we-place-ourself-in-a-private-bubble-from-life/

I don’t want to talk to anyone; I don’t want sympathy as I am not that that type, as I sit here at my laptop utter emotionless, and pretending to the world I am ok, I am not ok. And here is where this is page, this blog saves me

The song below is how I feel, word for word, I am sorry I disappoint you; even you though may say I have not. I want badly, to be that fit lad again who could walk far, never mind run. Today I was ok, then in a split second, one picture, I felt the darkness come, and it is all over me right now

Right now I feel so selfish, I have hidden myself away in my Kitchen knowing I will get peace to just be left alone. It is a very selfish place. And right now I can only think about my partner, again, the song below will explain. I feel utterly useless and of use to nobody right now, just this second I guess I could not be here and nobody would care. Although this is the depression telling me this. I am so tired; I have fallen asleep 3 times during the course of today, the pain I am in and my refusal to take the pills means the pain is making me fall asleep and affecting my thinking.

Who am I? I am just a number, a nobody, just a useless disabled person who writes pathetic blogs in a secret diary I share with the planet. Why would my partner, who is all beauty inside and out want me? Why would she, and why does she put up with me when I climb into my bubble and just want left alone. “Take the pills” a voice tells me, “No” I reply, as I know they make me false and make me better, but a false better. So I sit here, in a busy house, all alone. I sit here speaking to a Laptop as I can’t share this with anyone in my house. They would listen, but why should I burden them with my problems, I do every day.

I feel utterly useless. Did I disappoint you? Did I let you down? I feel I did. No words this second will change. I love you, and I always will and always have, since the day I seen you in your school uniform when we were 12 and 13 years old, but today  I want to remember us as we used to be

Did I disappoint you or let you down?

Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?

‘Cause I saw the end before we’d begun,

Yes I saw you were blind and I knew I had won.

So I took what’s mine by eternal right.

Took your soul out into the night.

It may be over but it won’t stop there,

I am here for you if you’d only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.

You changed my life and all my goals.

And love is blind and that I knew when,

My heart was blinded by you.

I’ve kissed your lips and held your head.

Shared your dreams and shared your bed.

I know you well, I know your smell.

I’ve been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when I wake,

You can’t break my spirit – it’s my dreams you take.

And as you move on, remember me,

Remember us and all we used to be

I’ve seen you cry, I’ve seen you smile.

I’ve watched you sleeping for a while.

I’d be the father of your child.

I’d spend a lifetime with you.

I know your fears and you know mine.

We’ve had our doubts but now we’re fine,

And I love you, I swear that’s true.

I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.

In mine when I’m asleep.

And I will bear my soul in time,

When I’m kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

I’m so hollow, baby, I’m so hollow.

I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow.

 I’m so hollow, baby, I’m so hollow.

I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow.

Is there really a world out there?

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I know I just blogged and I should added this rambling effort to the one below, but the title of this blog, really, is there? If there is, I don’t connect to it any more. I connect to it through this screen, and the keyboard I am trying into

A few years ago I was out there, living the dream, as I used to joke, I was a winner, I was a better Husband, I was a better Father, I was a better me. Then this Chronic Pain came along and took that away from me

It is within all men to want to be the best, the hardest worker, the biggest earner, whatever, it is pride and stupidity I guess in men, and being one I am trapped in the stereotypical stupidity off it all, I hope that made sense

For me the world I took on and beat is gone, I realised it today. I am kidding myself on if I think at the age of 38 I can go back out there in this pain and do what I did before, I am fool for thinking I could do this again

sunday mail coaching award

But then I now have my family to live for and I fail even at that. They all go out into the big old world and give it a game, I can’t, but I hope they do and win, and be happy and just show the world “I am here, you are not beating me”

Because I am beat. I give up; I am sitting in tears here because the penny dropped today. I have not spoken to one person all day, my pride or stupidity through the pain; I decided to be a selfish bastard. Sorry to swear. But when I decided to do this blog page I told myself “Be honest” so here I am world, all honest, now what?

I don’t know whose hands I am in, but they are not my own hands. I try and look for God at this moment, today and I can’t see him, I see only misery and pain. What message do I take from that?

I realise now this is it for me, and maybe that realisation will help long term.  I am in my 30s!! And I am speaking and thinking like someone my Dads age. I hate myself for it.

The only advice I can give to anyone who is in this frame of mind is to realise and accept. Don’t fool your own mind, you have changed, so allow the change to happen, and become what pain has made you. Because the more you fight it, the more it rips you to bits inside. On the outside I look like a  38 year old man. On the inside I don’t want to write here what I feel. My pride is damaged, my confidence is gone and my man card has been taken away from me

I don’t know what is next for me. But I have a family to support, so I guess that.

I just want to do more.

I don’t ask for much God.

Just one day.

Shaun