MORE LOVE, LESS HATE
Well that went fast as usual! All the fussing, driving, visiting, consuming things we probably don’t need, but it can be ok to have things for the sake of having things. Way I see life these days is, if you can have something, good for you. 2016 for me was a slight awakening, just enough to notice the damage 4 Evil disabilities were doing to the people I love and like. 2016 was a year I lost TONS of my body fat doing very hard physiotherapy every other day or just days I could. I gave myself ‘maybe’ 20 years more of life, the kicker is I gave myself 20+ years of more pain, worse pain. It’s my hell I will happily take to be there longer and better for them
I can’t go back the way now, I spent the festive period like us all, like what I said above, my car broke Christmas Eve, my Dog was run over, she is ok now but at the time it was a horrible moment, but in that moment I seen something I can’t explain, but so did someone else, I won’t try and explain, let’s just say I tapped into something bigger than myself, many call it God, I am unsure what it is. The blog below this one is a hint of what I am trying to say here. What REALLY matters is what really matters now, before and when that time comes, I think so
What did I tap into in 2016? Well me personally it was the minds of others, feelings of others, I just started to notice many more suffer badly, but I also seen some live happy, I guess 2016 helped me pretend better? I mean let’s face it, we all wear masks, I just took my mask off and said “Come ahead life” and I fought back, I gave my mind and body so much pain and confusion it was Evil. I have prayed to God every day almost since I was a little boy here in Scotland, today I still pray, I can’t find Religion, scripture and I can’t look at Jesus as anything more than a Ghandi type figure of his time where your World was like 1,000 miles circular, you were either there or you had no idea it was happening, when people read about it and found blind faith in it’s truth, but that is ok, well it’s ok if it does not harm our World right?
The World is now tightly together through these Social Media platforms when we can know news from anywhere about anyone as it’s happening almost. Image 2,000 years ago when Baby Jesus probably was born, as I say, you were either there or you had no idea. Like Noah’ Ark and Moses leading people for 40 years in a quest for knowledge, stories get lost in translation. These same principles happen today too, one day I get a cold, 2 weeks later someone asks me if I had Ebola 😀 Seriously just apply logical thinking and you see it all. But we MUST respect those with faith in the Bible who want to believe things so impossible to believe for 2/5th of Humanity, out of all 4,000+ Religions. I learn to respect all that in 2016, but I am just 1 from almost 8 Billion who refuse to stop talking, I am honest today, I have opinions, ask me questions, but don’t deny or get angry over my answers, I see this image many times, it makes more sense today, almost.. lol
Personally I woke up a tiny bit, just enough to see those around me, I will admit I purged some people, people I will still love and take a bullet for, but I also stepped back towards people who I just can’t be without. 2016 taught me that even when life is pushing you down, you can fight back the best you can and try and be the best you there is, for those around you. We are all flawed, we all make mistakes, some do it on purpose with free mind, some do it blindly or with anger, you know what I am saying here, we can live in light or dark..
Nouela ♫ The Sound of Silence ♫ – (Amazing cover of Simon & Garfunkel’s song)
[VIDEO] ♪ Via: MusicForLife on You Tube ♪
Happy 2017 to the 500 people STILL reading my blog every day, I stopped blogging as it just takes too long, hand spasms and more make it impossible, this took me 2 hours to type, and to those who might read this too, I wish you a happy and healthy 2017 for you and your family and friends. Over the Festive Period my Dog was run over, my car broke and a whole lot more happened that a year ago would have made me angry at someone. This year when bad things happened I just smiled and said “It’s only a car” or “It will be ok” I know what is important now, it’s not my PC, my TV, a car or any other object. What is important is we love the people we need so much they love us back. Over the last few months sadly I have lost people but I gained 2 amazing Daughters-in-laws, a Grandson with a little girl due too, both my sons are Dads or about to be and this made me try harder for them too, but just Yesterday I had a house full of people, so as I step towards a World I am TRYING to wake up too, people are noticing my confusion and helping me. All I can say is “I would help you too” I had a day with 1 Family member yesterday and in this day we found each other again, I hope this happens with more people like the person I had good fun with Yesterday
I had a dream about a Month ago, so vivid, so real, I awoke and for an hour I had no idea where I was. Was it my, medication, am I just an idiot or was it my 4 Disabilities, was it 1 of them, 2 create pain so bad you kind of get used to it, the other 2 confuse the mind to hell or heaven, it is that hard for me to gulp deep and try and NOT say things I shouldn’t, I am just trying to be the best for my Partner, sons, daughters, daughters in-laws, parents , brothers, sisters and friends. I see it clearly, but I only see it as clearly as I can. Today on the 2nd of January 2017 after a challenging 2016 in a way for me and others close I see a light at the end of an endless tunnel I will keep walking up, but looking back to all the bad or hard moments, I see the ones still standing with me, and I them. Just try, don’t be someone else, be the best you can for the ones who need you. I spent 15 years, wasted 15 years denying myself of who I was becoming, I lied, I was nasty, my word hurt, I was angry but never once did I lay a hand on a loved one, although words do cut deeper. But am I alone? Am I the only person to get things wrong? I don’t think so, all I do know is I did what was best for everyone else . When we do things for ourselves 9 times out of 10 times we will fail, when we see those around us from the young and old and make them our reasons, I promise you it gets a little easier. To everyone, start living or start dying, we all die in the end, so live till your end, we all got one. Not being morbid, just stating facts some might not like… lol
Shawshank Redemption – “Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying.”
Via: Success Mentor on You Tube
❤ Shaun ❤
[COPY AND PAST HERE, MY BAD] RELIGIOUS BRAIN FART HERE. Now don’t go shitting on my car ok. I am a very deep thinking lad, wear my shit on my sleeve, never mind my heart 😀 I think about things in ways I KNOW OTHERS DO..I am no lone font, voice or person here. I am a good person, I do good things, I want to harm no person. BUT I HAVE TO RUIN IT 😀 And say “If you harm ANYONE I LOVE, I will ruin your life”..Now MANY MEN will say this, many mean it, some just say it because it’s all manly and masculine bullshit right? Good..We on the same page. Life tells us “Men must be tough” ….”Woman must have kids and keep the circle of life going”…and everything in-between, you know what I mean…So I AM ASKING THIS. Fuck it..It’s just a fucking question.
Eminem – Rain Man With On Screen lyrics
[VIDEO] Via Eminem on You Tube
#WHAT #IF Religion is backwards. What if Religions God is in fact the Devil? What if in-fact the Devil is the good guy? I mean shit just look at this World, your own World and ask “Does Shaun have a point?”….Ask that shit just in private if you must. I am not suggesting ‘BE EVIL’ Shit look at the banner above this with Bob Marley and Hitler, that shit came from my soul, so I know my Heart is in the right place. BUT WHAT IF RELIGION IS JUST ILLUSION OF IMMANENCE GRANDEUR? Think about that shit till you come back on yourself then wonder what the fuck you just thought about AND WHY…I am just asking a question here, in reality, I just said fucking nothing…BUT MY WORDS HERE, WILL BE DEFINED BY OTHERS…So think more, why does that happen? Deep thinking guy am I? Man, you ain’t seen SHIT yet…I just woke the fuck up and I am ready to show crazy be amazing, because there is only a 5% swing between ‘Crazy’ and ‘Genius’ right? There is, Science said so 😀 THINK…JUST THINK…It does no harm, it costs nothing, it’s free, it’s yours to own, it can be your little secret. Sadly I can’t keep secrets…But I ain’t a grass….Nearly 4AM gimme a fucking break 😀
About 17 years ago I was signed off work by the LAWYERS for LIFE with a ‘SORE FUCKING KNEE’ then put on a mixture of medication that made me a fucking paranoid schizophrenic living in pain so bad I wouldn’t feel a kick in the balls from the fucking Hulk due to pain medication that does fuck all. Fuck the pain, fuck the mind games, fuck people, fuck life, and fuck it all. I am fucking tired of a World where people just judge, moan and complain when they have fuck all to complain about. Sitting in a fucking bed listening how bad cunts lives are because someone at work is a prick, fuck the medication, fuck this pain and FUCK THE PROCESS OVER MONEY FORCING MY DR AT THE TIME BEING FORCED TO SIGN ME OFF FOR LIFE DUE TO MONEY HUNGRY FUCKING LAWYERS. Not saying there is a connection but my Dr who was FORCED to sign me off for life thanks to wank lawyers died soon after signing me off work, and to be fair he tried like fuck to not sign me off work as he too knew at the time I only had a fucking sore knee, or “Housemaids fucking knee” as it was called at the time. What I was put through back then, being FORCED to be signed off for work to protect MONEY!! Today makes me want to go kill cunts. Today it isn’t about the Disability, it’s about quality of life, I have fucking none. 24/7 pain, never stops, and yeah boo, fucking hoo me, what a fucking shame!!! Legally “I CAN’T FUCKING TELL THIS STORY” but I fucking want to. It took LIFE, FAMILY, FRIENDS, IT LOOK EVERY-FUCKING-THING. Next time some cunt looks at me like I am making this shit up I swear to fucking Christ I will map the cunts up. I am TIRED, tired of being a pathetic fucking cunt. Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, M.E and Psychosis are just a few things I need to suck up, sleeping all the time or awake all the time, always pain is crushing down, and I don’t have a DATE for it to end, it’s hard, very hard. When I want to end my life I have to think about my kids, when I want to hurt people I need to understand life in jail is probably a better deal than I have now, least in jail I could just go for it. The life I have today is because of lawyers protecting fucking money all these years ago.
Fuck the system that is there to serve ONLY money. Fuck the actual cheats who sit at home all day in happy-town with a free fucking life when they could actually go and fucking work, at least when I was signed off I did volunteer work with kids who needed help till the pain and my mind just took it all away. For me this has fuck all to do with either ‘Ability to work’ nor ‘Money’. It’s about NOT typing shit like this on the fucking internet. Jekyll and Hyde have fuck all on me, 1 minute I am smiling, the next in bed screaming like a wee girl, but I do hide it from life, NEVER do I speak like this to ANYONE, no, just bottle my shit up and smile like the rest of you. I got 2 little girls here and I have to fucking hide my life from them, and don’t talk to me about lonely. Not a dig at anyone I like being around, but pain is just fucking lonely, day after fucking day of bed and Morphine mixed with other meaningless shitty drugs I hate yet need to take, in-fact I need more but fuck it, I need a small part of my mind to keep me alive, I don’t even know if it helps the pain any more. ALWAYS when we are about to open a door to something good does some wanker close it for you. The story of ‘Why’ I was signed off for work for life I can’t tell for ‘Legal Reasons’ but I am >.< that close to getting a lawyer and suing some cunt for half a million pounds. All about money, all about ‘Protecting Interests’ The Government actually do help some people and I like to see people being helped, but what about all the fucking cheaters STILL claiming benefits at the cost of people who actually fucking need it.
My partner didn’t sign up for this bullshit she has to care for me every waking fucking moment. I need help to eat, wash, shit, piss, I can hardly walk up my own hallway some days, and probably need help to breathe too, I will get back to you on that one. Fuck my Childhood and fuck every grown fucking man who stood back and watched what was happening and I will call every fucking one of them fucking cowards. Everyone fucking bailed and I had to take care of things, I think I was about 18 when that shit happened. Yeah I am fucked off, family only care about their own needs, I remember a World where family actually fucking helped each other, I remember times people cared, when people were not so fucking scared to talk. And this “Don’t be real on the internet bullshit” really fucks me off too. This is my blog, I EVEN NEED FUCKING HELP to do this shit, and it is fucking shit, people think because I have 1.5 Million views I think I am fucking special. Here is a deal, for the next month I will trade lives with any wank-face who thinks their life is hard because they have shit internet or someone said something on-line that upset them, because that is what the fucking World has came to. I try my best to just TRY, but it’s too fucking hard, I have to restrain myself DAILY from punching strangers in the face, how I stop myself must be magic or some other shit. YEAH I AM FUCKING PISSED OFF….
And I am glad we can type it on the FUCKING STUPID, FULL OF SERIOUS CUNTS internet and not have to sit and speak like this to people. Not that people give a fuck anyway, they are too worried about what shoes to wear the next again fucking day. So why do I blog? Why do I ask my partner to sit (Not just now) and write all this blogging shit for me? Because if it wasn’t for this blog I would be in jail or dead, shit to 1 side, this blog gave me a voice, it gave me purpose to TRY and change things that need changed, but you realize after a while that no matter what you say, no matter what you claim you can or can’t prove, NO-CUNT IS LISTING ANYWAY, fools will be fools regardless. Someone (Decent Person) said to me a few days ago “Shaun, you really don’t hold fucking back do you?” and they said it with a smile on their face, a face I wanted to fucking punch may I add. Facts are I do care, I have reason to care, 2 wee girls and 2 sons to help grow up and older, that is my job so I will do it, happily, it’s the ONLY thing I actually enjoy in this pitiful fucking SHIT-HOLE we call Earth. Our World is full of fucking idiots, gossips, Religious fucking screw-balls and people so fucking dumb I would rather sit and speak to my fucking dog for a chin-wag. Seriously people are boring, tedious, narrow minded, 2 faced cunts in the main. But for all the good people, keep doing what you do, be yourself, don’t bow to the the pressures life places on us via all these scary things that are thrown at us every fucking day. I live in pain and utter confusion because of whatever the fuck is wrong with me, and I must do all that and smile and love 2 wee girls because I want them to have a Childhood or ‘NORMAL’, because my life is fucked I must still show my girls what a healthy relationship is, what is right from wrong. They saved me. I pray every day, not to Religion, Jesus or Scripture, no fuck that shit, I have praying to MY GOD since I was a wee boy, if nobody is listening, then nobody is listening, if it is just a stupid placebo to get me through each moment, hour or day then so be it. But truly, IT IS WEARING FUCKING THIN
A friend called Kathryn Ventura shared this video with me this morning, I used to hate, be anger, and look to blame others for my life, for my weaknesses. But I discovered that by dropping hate, anger and fear, we can free not just ourselves, but help others to the light. My life goals used to be selfish ones, I never gave thought to another person’s feelings, I was irony but not by choice. As I grew and became and found myself, an inner peace I found by myself with a little help I guess, life became fun and free. Money didn’t matter and all that did matter to me was love and being nice. Then I spoil all that and say “I will kill anyone who harms the people I changed for” But am I any different from anyone else? No, we are all the same; we are just different versions of each other. Respecting and allowing our minds and souls to give people hope and help is a virtue by our OWN. No sentient being or higher power can change us, for me that is a placebo, an act of brain washing our own selves. No, to BE, to become, we must tolerate what we dislike in the World and in each other. Yesterday I sat in a Church and watched a gorgeous little girl, 8 years old have her first communion. My partner and I, it was our friends Daughter. As I sat in the Church Yesterday I remembered the old Hymns and I sang. Jesus was above me on a cross. Was that chance? Or was that choice? We can’t answer questions till we understand the question. Understand the question, and then only then we do so can we find the answers. This can be whatever you want it to be; the centre of our World can be anywhere. Try, try and help. But always we must turn the coin around and say “Do not take my kindness as weakness” That phrase there is what we battle every day. Well some of us do. Don’t try, don’t dream. DO! BECOME! AWAKEN! FREE YOUR MIND FROM THE ENCLOSED AND JUST LOVE. Because let me tell you, killing people can happen without blood, and it’s VERY EASY to hate and kill people in that sense. What is hard is ignoring the negative and becoming better not just for yourself, but for everyone around you. We can’t change this World friends, but we can change the World around us as the individual. We must become one; we must accept difference and often hate to see light. Light up the darkness, as it says at the top of all my social media platforms. I don’t want numbers or views, I want to create moments, I did before, and what I am about to do is create more. Shauny.
“Shaun you really don’t care what you say or write” is what I hear often from people, even family. It was my choice to be where I am, it was my choice to live this life as you live yours. Don’t think either of us did wrong, all it was, was life. We become and that is all it is. I can’t connect with some people and others I connect with easy, you saying you find things different? I don’t hate anyone but I do miss many of you. I think back 20/30 years ago and remember we were not ruined by disfunction and issues we played no part in. Some events happened by selfish people and it tore us to bits. Do I hate them? No, I just wish they would try to admit then fix the problems they causes, because make no mistake they made bad decisions. I get so much grief from family but in reality the only things these family see of or from me are on this page. So who am I hurting? The answer is nobody, you decide and define and many are left in the middle. Today I don’t care really but a small part of me wished several events didn’t cause what it did. I am happy and I pray you are too.. And a few friends may be added here. Non medicated and stronger minded Shaun is waking up to the truth, but I have my life my love and all I need right here. So I will live it. Just leave me be, I want no part in your hate any more, I am not above you or below you, but don’t think I have forgotten the actions of many of you for what you did to many of us who you left hurting. I said it, now you can go and hate again and I won’t know because you are cowards. If you think this is aimed at you, it is. If you KNOW this isn’t aimed at you, I love you all the same. Where did life take us? Where did it go oh so wrong?
Wiz Khalifa (feat. Charlie Puth) – See You Again | LYRICS
Via Ibro Brulic on You Tube
Tonight as my family are at a party, I am not. It was my choice, but a choice forced through pain. I dropped my girls at the party and drove home, made a cup of tea and a friend called Will McCulloch on Twitter had tagged me and a few others into a song. I hadn’t heard this song for many a year and I watched it and it’s lyrics and I felt every word, the song and lyrics are in a video below and they fit perfect for my mind in this moment. Sympathy seems to be what people think what I want in life. The facts are I make friends and then they go away, I send them away, hurt them, and I hide. Before I was in the World, a part of living, out most nights doing things I was passionate about, and here I am on self destruction mode again. I don’t have a ‘Death Date’ sadly, I have been pain for 17 years now, a pain I am told that is similar to someone moments from Death with Aids or Cancer. I never thanked the Hospital Dr for telling me that because placebo can play tricks on the human mind. I hurt people, I walk away from people and it’s my choice. Thing is, I HATE MYSELF FOR DOING WHAT I DO. I have 3 disabilities and in the end I am just always playing the sympathy ‘Disabled Card’ But never with intention. The pain I am in just now would drive many to suicide and it does. I won’t do that. But I must maybe leave or go and find something I can connect with, because all I do is hurt the people I love and almost kill people who look at me the wrong way. This is my blog, my page, my words. They are mine to keep and to own, please, if you don’t like them then don’t reply, go fuck off. If you are a friend talk to me in private or something. I am sick of being this version of myself. I WILL HURT YOU, I am going through hell, no matter what I do or say I hurt people. The disability acted for me and people walked away from me. Thanks for understanding pain and hurt! I know everyone has a story, hurt, pain, an issue, a life, I GET THAT. But I remember a World where people actually fucking cared. I am sorry to swear but I don’t belong with this species, I know several people like me, they are not ill, they are just people I love to talk to, some in my life, some on-line as is today’s ways when we embrace social media. I don’t get the Human Special, I feel Alien to you all. But I don’t hate, PLEASE remember that. Also my pain is typing for me here, my lack of medication is acting for me here.
Ain’t life a motherfucker? 😀
I am in bed, 2 AM just past, screaming in pain. My partner sleeps in spare bed to sleep. Every joint, bone, tendon, ligament muscle is burning me. Like boiling water being slowly poured over my entirety. With Fibromyalgia the sufferer gets phantom pains from lethal diseases. Sadly me writing this will annoy someone, piss someone off, make a person a gossip. I don’t care; I need only get through it for 3 girls, my partner and our two daughters 5 years old and 4. The central nervous system, every nerve every fibre is in flair. I can’t take this; everything from my central nervous system is like lava, 1,000 stabs per limb, all over body toothache pain. I really can’t take any more. But I have to take it, I must suffer. The pain I am in now is the same as someone in the last hours of life with Motor Neuron Disease, Cancer of the brain and more, this is the pain. I am writing this so I don’t take 100 tablets then go kiss my princess’s goodnight and goodbye, then that thought comes back and I take this unfair pain for them two only, if they were not here I would be gone already. Tomorrow I will question why I sat for an hour struggling to do this, the pain is typing this
I am sick of being that guy ‘That shares his torment’ but I need help and typing this saves me, Dawn, Mum, Dad, Brother, Sisters, Sons, friends. Don’t throw sympathy at me, please ignore me. My big brother had Cancer and kicked its ass, he is my hero. He proved what the human body can handle, can take. Unlike me he never complained, he dealt with it like a man. So what am I? Less for crying while my body burns or am I more for sharing?
Feck it, this is my page, my rules, I must live, I must breath. Every instinct is telling me to say goodbye. Tomorrow I will read this not crying while drowning in lava, will I delete? No, it stays, it might help others, it will help me. Tonight I burn, alone
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