To Blog Or Not To Blog – Disabled Scottish Person, Please Read On…..

what-to-blog-aboutRecently I have decided to come off all medication for my Fibromyalgia, Dihydrocodeine, Tramadol, Diazepam and Morphine as the medication does nothing and I am finding no medication is the same pain as with medication. So basically I am addicted to medication I don’t really want nor need. I closed my Face book down and that will stay closed. I am not the biggest fan of social media but when I delete things a day later when my state of mind is different I think “Shit, why did I do that” And always with stupid things like this I am aware it means nothing really, nobody is hurt, nobody is offended, it’s just the mindset of the disease doing things I don’t really have control over. Many see disabled people working, doing sport and presume everyone can, sadly with what I have all the fresh air and exercise in the world actually makes it harder, this is what I wish people would get. Family say “Exercise” or “Get our and get fresh air” I want to scream “IT MAKES ME WORSE YOU BREAST” or words to that effect 😀 QnFEjTIfu6V6deDnAzBca8pQYxn5sqDpDJcHEhxzuqSINZ9iS86he82R7xoupNwDI so enjoy writing, when days are hard I stick on my Sennheiser HD headset, blast music into my brain to alter the brainwaves and write. I was writing in 3 places and it was too much, something had to go, something had to change. The 2 days since I put this blog into ‘Park’ I have had very little medication and just allowed the pain to knock me out, it worked as I slept about 35 hours on and off. Here I am on a freezing cold Tuesday night wishing I hadn’t told Ace News I can’t write for them, wishing I hadn’t said to another great lad at TCN I wasn’t going to write football either. So I guess tonight I am annoyed with this disease, not myself, just this brutal illness.

225-DISABILITY2We sufferers of this invisible illness suffer from day 1, we lose the ability first to work, then fun things we did go, mine, as you know was being a football manager, then family and friends go and from then on in we just lose things and our family think we want sympathy, this couldn’t be further from the truth. We just need family to understand why we don’t visit any more, why we don’t call as often, that, for me is the worst part of this disease. The pain is 100% brutal and unfair, it’s unfair on my partner, my 2 sons and my 2 daughters firstly then my family and friends. I have no control, I am 41 years old and had to endure this ‘Devils Disease’ for 17 years now

I get frustrated at sheeple

I get frustrated at sheeple

I get easily frustrated when I write things, I write alternative news 8 times out of 10. I write how the USA is turning into a fascist police state and it frustrates me when American people won’t debate it but I understand why you all don’t, you live in a country where if you say the wrong thing you get a knock on the door, it’s a horrible country to live in I keep getting told, if truth be told I would visit and do a tour should I ever be able to leave this Island I live on close to the North pole. I get frustrated when my kin, Scottish people don’t understand why we need to get Scotland out of the English War Machine, we don’t want to be a part of it, sadly we have fools in our land in Scotland same as any other country. There are only 5 million of us, 3.6 Million voted in the referendum with 1.6 Million voting ‘Aye’, but 2 Million voting ‘Naw’, we are, as things stand in charge of much of Scotland, we control our own things in some ways, we have different laws from England, we will free one day, but we need the fools who listen to Tory and Labour lies, in many people’s eyes, Labour who used to be for the working man/family sided with Thatcherism in the form of the Tory party, it is like your Wife having sex with your Dad, this is how it is for Labour.

So close! So close we changed British Politics for all of time

So close! So close we changed British Politics for all of time and got more devolved powers, more will come

So I think my Country will at least have home rule in 2 years, free within 5 years. People in Scotland need to get to grips, many think it’s only the Scottish leaders, be them politicians, police, media and even Football’s governing body, tell lies and side with whoever in whatever debate, Scotland this is a Global thing, go speak to Americans, Russians, Chinese, Australian, it’s a World thing. Many here think it only exists in Scotland, that inequality comes only in Scotland. This is an amazing place to live, if you want a life of solitude Scotland is a country, one of many, where you can literally go live in the middle of nowhere, nearest neighbour 50 miles away and just enjoy life on your own, I kinda did this, when I am older I will be that person who’s nearest neighbour is 50 miles away, it’s been decided in my home at the highest level 🙂

So the title says it all. I actually love to write in the sense I get crap out of my mind and onto what I see is a piece of paper the World can read. I am close to 1,000,000, that’s 1 Million hits but I have closed Shaun’y News down twice now, I am a MOMENT guy, I act in moments, some I love some I am like “Shaun FOR THE LOVE OF GOD” I am my worst enemy often.tumblr_m44n7cicE91rv9jzto1_400.jpegBeing aware I am my worst own enemy is healthy I guess. I just hate myself when I let Ace News and TCN down because my illness gets the better off me on a day. I stress little but when I stress the pain triples and I act on impulse. I spoke with my partner today and she said “Writing allows you to not get cranky with the kids or annoying” so she supports me writing, so I have to be thankful I have her right here to say “It’s ok to not be ok sometimes” knowing it’s ok to not be ok is actually ok, my partner cuddled me earlier today and said this, so with all the pain and annoying (To me) stuff that happens! HOW LUCKY AM I?! Seriously I complain a lot but in reality I am one fecking blessed man. OK, I have pain, it makes me stay in bed for days on end, it makes me want to go back to ‘Old Shaun’ <(You can click that, it’s a link to Old Shaun) Its-Okay-Not-To-Be-Okay

Don't humour me, :D

Don’t humour me, 😀

But I have people under the roof I sit under now who speak to me as just Dad or Shaun, I have people under this roof keeping me from doing things of old. My 23 year old son is learning about what WE all go through and he has started to talk about my illness, leading to us talking his illness, he suffers seizures ‘Touch Wood’ (A term we use as a superstition, touching wood signifies we don’t mean something or hope that thing doesn’t happen) So I have 2 people (3 Really) that keep me smiling right here, my two Princess’s Chloe (4) and Courtney (5) make me laugh, smile, cry and it is a privilege to be a parent I believe, we get to watch life being born then love them to death, teach them and in return they give unconditional love back, it’s amazing being a Dad to 2 little girls, it’s always fun, never dull, so I am lucky, even in pain, I am lucky. I have mates who make me laugh when we are away in a car up to ‘God only knows’ I am a ‘Lad’ I am always up to stupid stuff, having a laugh with my mates and some family I enjoy being around, one in particular who lives over the bridge taking us to the Highlands. So here I am writing freehand, not thinking, just typing what comes to my mind. And in reality, that is the reason I love to write. I am no writer, I am same as you, just someone doing something that is decent fun. All this blog was is me typing and talking to myself basically as I type here, I just opened a Word document and started to write, so that was it 😀  Please don’t say “Glad to see you/Glad you are writing/Hope you are ok” or any of that. It is what it is, this is the existence for many of us, I am one of many, it’s just the way the dice roll, it’s the hand we have been dealt. I didn’t write this, in fairness, just for myself, I am aware others are out there reading this but unable to say what I just did. I have a message for you, YOU CAN!! Use a made up name, whatever, let it out, let go, allow it in, help yourself because people that don’t do that end up doing the wrong thing, making the hardest call of their life and stopping, ending it, refusing to take life any more. I am fine, others are not. Talk, feck what others tell you, I do! Tell your story if it makes you feel better, don’t be a society person, just be a you person, do things you like, things that make you happy, to hell with what family, friends idiots on-line think, when we succumb to this stupidity we allow the World to dictate our being, no chance of that here, I own my World, I control my World, I decide who is in my life and who is not. How many do the opposite and end up unhappy? I am just saying, feck what society tells you, to hell with people, don’t be a sheep, be a fox, be alone in your ways without pushing people away, we all push people away in life, I have recently, but I am man enough to pull them back in. Are you…………..?

Till the next time

More love, less hate

Shauny

When we place ourselves in a private bubble, turn to love

Some place themselves in a private space

Some place themselves in a private space

When it became clear to me all these years ago I had Chronic Pain and other stuff wrong with me, I did not think it would impact my life the way it has. When I was told, I was still working and still active as a football coach and manager (Soccer for anyone in the USA)

Then the pain came, and the pride took a mauling. I wasn’t the same me, I had become someone I didn’t like, I had to learn to like myself all over again, and it was the hardest thing I have done, and to some extent, still doing

I speak to many people in pain, and just by listening I am helping them, and sometimes when you really listen you can tell that the person’s life is not what it once was. There is the argument, and this, again, is where my guilt comes from, when I realise somewhere, people are worse than me, people are dying, and live in a worse place than I do. But I have to remind myself this is my life, my story I am writing about, and I do it to help both other people and myself

I am blessed with my home, my kids, my partner, and my close family who I miss terribly. I say miss terribly, because when the pain came I placed myself in an imaginary bubble, where I was safe. And this is common for people to do. I stopped visiting people and made up excuses when people wanted to visit me. This is normal behaviour, and I cry a lot knowing I want to be with loved ones more. I am missing life due to the pain, and the bubble I am in, so I must fight! I must, in my late 30’s break away from it before I am stuck for good, but I am sure too many people care for me and love me for them to allow me to do this

Somewhere in my subconscious I know I had or have to change this. I harbour ideas of getting back into Football management, and then my head drops as I know it will hurt. So I have a decision to make, do I stay in this bubble in pain, or do I get back out there and face the word, and be in a bit more pain. The answer is very easy, but doing it is not. I have tried so many times to break the bubble, close the door on the bubble, only to step back inside when my pride got dented for whatever reason.

When I see people I have not seen for say 10 years, they think I am the same Shaun, and I am, but they don’t know the pain, they don’t know how the pain hurts just me, but the people around me. My family love me and I am blessed in knowing this, just typing it brought a smile to my face. Long story, something happened today, with a family member that made me smile

So we all have a bubble, some stay in it for a short time, some longer, some never escape it.  I know many people who suffer depression do this, they have another word for it, they just “Hide away from the world” I call it “In my bubble” So when I speak to people who do likewise, we help each other.

A girl I know just helped me, a small act of individual kindness from a woman I love. What she just did made my day and put a smile on my face and I can’t thank her enough. So even today, both the girl I am speaking about and I learnt something. And that is what living is, learning to cope, and learning what is happening when you step out of the bubble, or allow someone into your bubble. The people in my house get in my bubble, not many others do. A girl I know just entered it

For anyone living in a bubble, or hiding from the world, know it does not have to be this way, you can show your face, you can go out, you are brave enough and you can do it. Why do I know this? I know this because every time I blog, or share, I open my private bubble to the planet. So anyone who does a blog and hides from the world, you are not alone to the world, you are asking strangers to enter your world.

I hope people understand what I am talking about here, for me it is very personal

More Love, less hate

Shaun

I dedicate this to a young woman I love more than she knows 🙂