About 17 years ago I was signed off work by the LAWYERS for LIFE with a ‘SORE FUCKING KNEE’ then put on a mixture of medication that made me a fucking paranoid schizophrenic living in pain so bad I wouldn’t feel a kick in the balls from the fucking Hulk due to pain medication that does fuck all. Fuck the pain, fuck the mind games, fuck people, fuck life, and fuck it all. I am fucking tired of a World where people just judge, moan and complain when they have fuck all to complain about. Sitting in a fucking bed listening how bad cunts lives are because someone at work is a prick, fuck the medication, fuck this pain and FUCK THE PROCESS OVER MONEY FORCING MY DR AT THE TIME BEING FORCED TO SIGN ME OFF FOR LIFE DUE TO MONEY HUNGRY FUCKING LAWYERS. Not saying there is a connection but my Dr who was FORCED to sign me off for life thanks to wank lawyers died soon after signing me off work, and to be fair he tried like fuck to not sign me off work as he too knew at the time I only had a fucking sore knee, or “Housemaids fucking knee” as it was called at the time. What I was put through back then, being FORCED to be signed off for work to protect MONEY!! Today makes me want to go kill cunts. Today it isn’t about the Disability, it’s about quality of life, I have fucking none. 24/7 pain, never stops, and yeah boo, fucking hoo me, what a fucking shame!!! Legally “I CAN’T FUCKING TELL THIS STORY” but I fucking want to. It took LIFE, FAMILY, FRIENDS, IT LOOK EVERY-FUCKING-THING. Next time some cunt looks at me like I am making this shit up I swear to fucking Christ I will map the cunts up. I am TIRED, tired of being a pathetic fucking cunt. Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, M.E and Psychosis are just a few things I need to suck up, sleeping all the time or awake all the time, always pain is crushing down, and I don’t have a DATE for it to end, it’s hard, very hard. When I want to end my life I have to think about my kids, when I want to hurt people I need to understand life in jail is probably a better deal than I have now, least in jail I could just go for it. The life I have today is because of lawyers protecting fucking money all these years ago.index

6e610a1a5a307f3f8afb792f024e15bbFuck the system that is there to serve ONLY money. Fuck the actual cheats who sit at home all day in happy-town with a free fucking life when they could actually go and fucking work, at least when I was signed off I did volunteer work with kids who needed help till the pain and my mind just took it all away. For me this has fuck all to do with either ‘Ability to work’ nor ‘Money’. It’s about NOT typing shit like this on the fucking internet. Jekyll and Hyde have fuck all on me, 1 minute I am smiling, the next in bed screaming like a wee girl, but I do hide it from life, NEVER do I speak like this to ANYONE, no, just bottle my shit up and smile like the rest of you. I got 2 little girls here and I have to fucking hide my life from them, and don’t talk to me about lonely. Not a dig at anyone I like being around, but pain is just fucking lonely, day after fucking day of bed and Morphine mixed with other meaningless shitty drugs I hate yet need to take, in-fact I need more but fuck it, I need a small part of my mind to keep me alive, I don’t even know if it helps the pain any more. ALWAYS when we are about to open a door to something good does some wanker close it for you. The story of ‘Why’ I was signed off for work for life I can’t tell for ‘Legal Reasons’ but I am >.< that close to getting a lawyer and suing some cunt for half a million pounds. All about money, all about ‘Protecting Interests’ The Government actually do help some people and I like to see people being helped, but what about all the fucking cheaters STILL claiming benefits at the cost of people who actually fucking need it.

wpid-picsart_1440622904154My partner didn’t sign up for this bullshit she has to care for me every waking fucking moment. I need help to eat, wash, shit, piss, I can hardly walk up my own hallway some days, and probably need help to breathe too, I will get back to you on that one. Fuck my Childhood and fuck every grown fucking man who stood back and watched what was happening and I will call every fucking one of them fucking cowards. Everyone fucking bailed and I had to take care of things, I think I was about 18 when that shit happened. Yeah I am fucked off, family only care about their own needs, I remember a World where family actually fucking helped each other, I remember times people cared, when people were not so fucking scared to talk. And this “Don’t be real on the internet bullshit” really fucks me off too. This is my blog, I EVEN NEED FUCKING HELP to do this shit, and it is fucking shit, people think because I have 1.5 Million views I think I am fucking special. Here is a deal, for the next month I will trade lives with any wank-face who thinks their life is hard because they have shit internet or someone said something on-line that upset them, because that is what the fucking World has came to. I try my best to just TRY,  but it’s too fucking hard, I have to restrain myself DAILY from punching strangers in the face, how I stop myself must be magic or some other shit. YEAH I AM FUCKING PISSED OFF….

And I am glad we can type it on the FUCKING STUPID, FULL OF SERIOUS CUNTS internet and not have to sit b0bc5772fab7c84b57f9ba74dc2594a1and speak like this to people. Not that people give a fuck anyway, they are too worried about what shoes to wear the next again fucking day. So why do I blog? Why do I ask my partner to sit (Not just now) and write all this blogging shit for me? Because if it wasn’t for this blog I would be in jail or dead, shit to 1 side, this blog gave me a voice, it gave me purpose to TRY and change things that need changed, but you realize after a while that no matter what you say, no matter what you claim you can or can’t prove, NO-CUNT IS LISTING ANYWAY, fools will be fools regardless. Someone (Decent Person) said to me a few days ago “Shaun, you really don’t hold fucking back do you?” and they said it with a smile on their face, a face I wanted to fucking punch may I add. Facts are I do care, I have reason to care, 2 wee girls and 2 sons to help grow up and older, that is my job so I will do it, happily, it’s the ONLY thing I actually enjoy in this pitiful fucking SHIT-HOLE we call Earth. Our World is full of fucking idiots, gossips, Religious fucking screw-balls and people so fucking dumb I would rather sit and speak to my fucking dog for a chin-wag. Seriously people are boring, tedious, narrow minded, 2 faced cunts in the main. But for all the good people, keep doing what you do, be yourself, don’t bow to the the pressures life places on us via all these scary things that are thrown at us every fucking day. I live in pain and utter confusion because of whatever the fuck is wrong with me, and I must do all that and smile and love 2 wee girls because I want them to have a Childhood or ‘NORMAL’, because my life is fucked I must still show my girls what a healthy relationship is, what is right from wrong. They saved me. I pray every day, not to Religion, Jesus or Scripture, no fuck that shit, I have praying to MY GOD since I was a wee boy, if nobody is listening, then nobody is listening, if it is just a stupid placebo to get me through each moment, hour or day then so be it. But truly, IT IS WEARING FUCKING THIN


How my mind feels

Fuck it!!! And thank fuck for this blog!! 



    Shaun Gibson Twitter: @ShaunyScot
    Skype Username: shaunyg1973
    Shaun Celtic FC Twitter: @ShaunyCeltic



Living in pain with a brain illness – I am starting to understand things and people

7d8e410624cc96efade256b0d5aaf563I removed my stupid self from Facebook and a lot of other things in the last week, but I had good reason. Just now a family member is being annoyed by some idiot next door, pissing on my family members door mat, tapping the door then running away, threatening them, basically being a coward. I wanted to go to this person’s door and just have it dealt with, but family thought it WISE to call the police, and that is not how I deal with a ‘LIBERTY TAKER’ Someone who will do things to try and alter the mind of another to any given emotion. I think these ‘Liberty takers’ are cowards, real men just say to face or just jog on, that is all I know, so the restraint needed to not just go to this person’s door and finish this is very difficult for me, but over the last week in holding back seeing a family member suffer at the hands of a Coward it made me see something in myself, through my 4 disabilities

I am a person who can sleep like a happy baby with ANY emotion in my mind, I have the ability to sleep after someone says “I am going to kill you” or whatever crap people say. See real people just kill you, cowards give you the time and date so I just say “OK, we will be out, thanks for the heads up arsehole” 😀

d1660f22dbf09af7823b7ddcf50088eaThis new drug I am on MST Continus is a bit strong, but it is taken morning and night and is slow release, it differs from my old medication I was on in the way it doesn’t give you one big hit of pain relief at once, no, this just slowly enters your mind and body and you feel it, I can feel it in my mind. Strange thing the mind, I always want to be in full control of my mind, I never allow any person to enter my mind and try and own it, never going to happen. People have tried to play childish games with me in the past and always I slept well and didn’t give them thought. For me as a disabled guy living in agony and a mind that is hard to keep in check as it can be confusing with Fibromyalgia and M.E/CFS. Because I am in the Gym hitting leather and PVC every day I am needing flesh to hit, and the person annoying my family member was a target for my mind for a day or 2, but I managed to get rid of the idea of tying the prick to a chair and keeping him alive. I don’t mean that, it’s just a thought. I don’t play well with cowards, I tend to just deal with them and move on, I refuse to allow another to own my mind. But as I am off 5 different medications and now on 2 new ones I am trying to find my centre again, trying to re-establish where I am and what is around me. Always as a young kid my Dad would say to me “Know who is around you son, in-front, behind and at each side” and as a kid I never really got it, but I do now, I taught my own son’s this and I think they may struggle to understand it 😀 Life is very, VERY easy, and I prefer to live with a quiet mind, I own my thought and nobody can ever take that from me. They can mock, hit, play, do what they will, but not one person can control or own my mind, and that is what I am learning again. The man I used to be would just go and finish the story, get it over with and just go home as if nothing happened. Today I have two wee girls to help grow up, so I needed to grow up. This is why I came off Dr’s Heroin and am killing myself in the Gym every day. My mind, my entire being is for my family, I come 2nd because I can control my World, but I am noticing others can’t. It is what it is right?

11416159_10207009625624143_6777975463268398855_nBe good World, life can hit us from any side, in-front, behind or either side at any moment and we are left regretting we didn’t look to see what was around us. Don’t be paranoid with this, just understand EVERYTHING and EVERYONE around you, then you own your World. People say “But I can’t change the World” I say back “So go and change your own World” If we all did this, our World would be a better place I believe. Also, denying what and who we are, becoming something else or different because life said so can make us all very ill and unwell. I think we must always be ourselves and never deny who we are. Trust me, I seen it, made it, cleaned it, made the mess, you name it I done it, and got the preverbial T-Shirt to say so. Be yourself, don’t be someone else. Or life will hit you like a ton of bricks because you were not looking at what is around you, your mind was in a state of NOWHERE. Know who, what, whoever, whatever is around you, and the bricks miss you

More love, less hate

Holly Johnson Love Train
Via: PetersPopShow on You Tube


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My New ME/Pain Tablet – MST Continus


I now understand the help message.

When I was taking ‘Gabapentin a year or so ago with Dihydrocodeine, Tramadol, Diazepam, Amitriptyline and Morphine I thought I was on LSD. The drug almost took my mind and kept it, some take it and fine, some take it and get what I got. With ‘MST Continus I have a drug that will help with Cancer, Parkinson’s disease and a few other things, of course I don’t have Cancer not Parkinson’s. What I have does not kill people; it keeps them in a state on ‘Death’ likely, in thoughts only. I have been on this new drug since 1st April I think so nearly 3 weeks and I must say it is close to Gabapentin in the way you can feel it ‘try and control your thought. The pain is the same, but 1 thing it has helped is my mind, it is a little clearer. I still depend on my partner to give me this medication at the exact right time. This is a Pharmaceutical controlled drug, when I go to pick it up the Chemist owner/pharmacist has to open a safe in the back of the shop as this drug is so dangerous. The lists of things I can and can’t do is long, let’s just say perfect timing is crucial with this drug. My mind is free from Dihydrocodeine, Tramadol and Morphine in liquid form and I can feel it. But I knew when I decided to do this ‘Boxing Training to get Muscle tone 100% to live longer’

Made as the same material as 'David King' to the left

Where the pain wants to kill me, all I can do is fight

And come off ALL medication I had to take the right medication. The cold turkey feelings are back and my body is demanding Heroin, Dr’s heroin. I don’t allow my mind to be weak these days. I spend large parts of every day in bed just sleeping on and off. It is a trade I made to live longer, so I can’t complain. My muscle tone is very high, it feels like my skin is so tight, where there was fat, there is now no fat, I have dropped over 20 Kilo, I let myself go but can I use Medication as an excuse? The answer is no, I decided to take the medication and let my mind and body go. Today the pain is 100x worse but it was horrific before anyway. I gained life here, I showed my 2 little daughters, or I am showing them I hope that ‘It’s ok to feel bad’ and ‘It’s ok to get better’ My Daughters think I have a sore knee, so for now this story works and 2 wee minds don’t need to know the story. The shit below is just the drug leaflet. It is CRAZY. But I am winning this fight and I will tear anyone to bits who stands in my way. I hit leather and PVC every day in the boxing gym, and my mind logically wants flesh to hit. That is a challenge right there, NOT TO HIT SOMEONE. That is hard, but Boxing is a sport for the individual, it’s lonely but it’s discipline is something I am re-learning. I am not doing this to fight people, to be tough; I am doing this to live longer. That is all. Don’t read below, I just needed to share this for ‘whatever’ reason. ‘Keeping on, keeping on’ here…. for now.

Via: http://xpil.medicines.org.uk/


MST Continus tablets 5 mg, 10 mg, 15 mg, 30 mg, 60 mg, 100 mg, 200 mg
Company Details
Napp Pharmaceuticals Limited

MST® Continus® 5 mg, 10 mg, 15 mg, 30 mg, 60 mg, 100 mg and 200 mg prolonged release tablets

Morphine sulphate
Read all of this leaflet carefully before you start taking this medicine.

In this leaflet:

1. What MST Continus tablets are and what they are used for
2. Before you take MST Continus tablets
3. How to take MST Continus tablets
4. Possible side effects
5. How to store MST Continus tablets
6. Further information
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1. What MST Continus tablets are and what they are used for

These tablets have been prescribed for you by your doctor to relieve severe pain over a period of 12 hours. They contain the active ingredient morphine which belongs to a group of medicines called strong analgesics or ‘painkillers’.

Do not take MST Continus tablets if:

You are allergic (hypersensitive) to morphine or any of the other ingredients of the tablets (see section 6 ‘Further Information’);
you have breathing problems, such as obstructive airways disease or respiratory depression. Your doctor will have told you if you have these conditions. Symptoms may include breathlessness, coughing or breathing more slowly or weakly than expected;
you have a head injury that causes a severe headache or makes you feel sick. This is because the tablets may make these symptoms worse or hide the extent of the head injury;
you have a condition where the small bowel (part of your gut) does not work properly (paralytic ileus), your stomach empties more slowly than it should (delayed gastric emptying) or you have severe pain in your abdomen;
you have recent onset liver disease;
you are taking a type of medicine known as a monoamine oxidase inhibitor (examples include tranylcypromine, phenelzine, isocarboxazid, moclobemide and linezolid), or you have taken this type of medicine in the last two weeks;
the patient is under one year of age.

If you are going to have an operation, please tell the doctor at the hospital that you are taking these tablets.
Take special care with MST Continus tablets

Before treatment with these tablets tell your doctor or pharmacist if you:

Have breathing problems, such as impaired lung function or severe bronchial asthma. Your doctor will have told you if you have these conditions. Symptoms may include breathlessness and coughing;
have an under-active thyroid gland (hypothyroidism), severe kidney or liver problems as you may need a lower dose;
have a severe headache or feel sick as this may indicate that the pressure in your skull is increased;
suffer from, or have ever suffered from epilepsy, seizures, fits or convulsions;
have low blood pressure;
have a severe heart problem after long-term lung disease (severe cor pulmonale);
have inflammation of the pancreas (which causes severe pain in the abdomen and back) or problems with your gall bladder;
have an inflammatory bowel disorder;
have prostate problems;
have poor adrenal gland function (your adrenal gland is not working properly which may cause symptoms including weakness, weight loss, dizziness, feeling or being sick);
are or have ever been addicted to alcohol or drugs;
have previously suffered from withdrawal symptoms such as agitation, anxiety, shaking or sweating, upon stopping taking alcohol or drugs.

Very rarely you may experience increased sensitivity to pain despite the fact that you are taking increasing doses of these tablets (hyperalgesia). Your doctor will decide whether you need a change in dose or a change in strong analgesic (“painkiller”).
Taking other medicines

Please tell your doctor or pharmacist if you are taking or have recently taken any other medicines, including medicines obtained without a prescription. If you take these tablets with some other medicines, the effect of the tablets or the other medicine may be changed.

These tablets must not be used together with a monoamine oxidase inhibitor, or if you have taken this type of medicine in the last two weeks (see section 2 ‘Do not take…’).

Tell your doctor or pharmacist if you are taking:

medicines to help you sleep (for example tranquillisers, hypnotics or sedatives);
medicines to treat psychiatric or mental disorders (such as phenothiazines);
muscle relaxants;
medicines to treat high blood pressure;
cimetidine to treat stomach ulcers, indigestion or heartburn;
certain types of medicines to stop you feeling or being sick;
medicines used to prevent or relieve the symptoms of an allergy (antihistamines);
rifampicin to treat tuberculosis;
ritonavir to treat HIV;
medicines to treat Parkinson’s disease.
gabapentin to treat epilepsy or neuropathic pain (pain due to nerve problems).

Also tell your doctor if you have recently been given an anaesthetic.
Taking MST Continus tablets with alcohol

Drinking alcohol whilst taking MST Continus tablets may make you feel more sleepy or increase the risk of serious side effects such as shallow breathing with a risk of stopping breathing, and loss of consciousness. It is recommended not to drink alcohol while you’re taking MST Continus tablets.
Pregnancy and breastfeeding

Do not take these tablets if you are pregnant or breastfeeding.

Ask your doctor or pharmacist for advice before taking any medicine.
Driving and using machines

These tablets may cause a number of side effects such as drowsiness which could affect your ability to drive or use machinery (see section 4 for a full list of side effects). These are usually most noticeable when you first start taking the tablets, or when changing to a higher dose. If you are affected you should not drive or use machinery.

This medicine can affect your ability to drive as it may make you sleepy or dizzy.

Do not drive while taking this medicine until you know how it affects you.
It is an offence to drive while you have this medicine in your body over a specified limit unless you have a defence (called the ‘statutory defence’).
This defence applies when:
The medicine has been prescribed to treat a medical or dental problem; and
You have taken it according to the instructions given by the prescriber and in the information provided with the medicine.
Please note that it is still an offence to drive if you are unfit because of the medicine (i.e. your ability to drive is being affected).

Details regarding a new driving offence concerning driving after drugs have been taken in the UK may be found here: https://www.gov.uk/drug-driving-law

Talk to your doctor or pharmacist if you are not sure whether it is safe for you to drive while taking this medicine.
Important information about some of the ingredients of MST Continus tablets

The 5 mg, 10 mg, 15 mg, 30 mg and 60 mg tablets contain lactose which is a form of sugar. If you have been told by your doctor that you have an intolerance to some sugars, contact your doctor before taking these tablets.

The 30 mg and 60 mg strength tablets contain sunset yellow (E110) which may cause allergic reactions.
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3. How to take MST Continus tablets

Always take the tablets exactly as your doctor has told you. The label on your medicine will tell you how many tablets to take and how often.

Swallow your tablets whole with a glass of water. Do not break, crush or chew them.

MST Continus tablets are designed to work properly over 12 hours when swallowed whole. If a tablet is broken, crushed or chewed, the entire 12-hour dose may be absorbed rapidly into your body. This can be dangerous, causing serious problems such as an overdose, which may be fatal.

You must only take the tablets by mouth. The tablets should never be crushed or injected as this may lead to serious side effects, which may be fatal.

You should take your tablets every 12 hours. For instance, if you take a tablet at 8 o’clock in the morning, you should take your next tablet at 8 o’clock in the evening.

The usual starting dose is one 30 mg tablet every 12 hours. However, the dose will depend on your age, weight and the severity of your pain. If you are elderly or weigh less than 70 kg your doctor may suggest a lower starting dose. Your doctor will decide how many tablets you should take.
Children over one year of age

Children over one year of age can take the tablets. The required dose will depend on their weight and severity of pain. This should be discussed with your doctor or pharmacist.

If you find that you are still in pain whilst taking these tablets discuss this with your doctor.

Do not exceed the dose recommended by your doctor. You should check with your doctor or pharmacist if you are not sure.
If you take more MST Continus tablets than you should or if someone accidentally swallows your tablets

Call your doctor or hospital straight away. People who have taken an overdose may feel very sleepy, sick or dizzy. They may also have breathing difficulties leading to unconsciousness or even death and may need emergency treatment in hospital. When seeking medical attention make sure that you take this leaflet and any remaining tablets with you to show to the doctor.
If you forget to take MST Continus tablets

If you remember within 4 hours of the time your tablet was due, take your tablet straight away. Take your next tablet at your normal time. If you are more than 4 hours late, please call your doctor for advice. Do not take a double dose to make up for a forgotten tablet.
If you stop taking MST Continus tablets

You should not suddenly stop taking these tablets unless your doctor tells you to. If you want to stop taking your tablets, discuss this with your doctor first. They will tell you how to do this, usually by reducing the dose gradually so you do not experience unpleasant effects. Withdrawal symptoms such as agitation, anxiety, shaking or sweating may occur if you suddenly stop taking these tablets.
4. Possible side effects

Like all medicines, these tablets can cause side effects, although not everybody gets them. All medicines can cause allergic reactions, although serious allergic reactions are uncommon. Tell your doctor immediately if you get any sudden wheeziness, difficulties in breathing, swelling of the eyelids, face or lips, rash or itching especially those covering your whole body. The most serious side effect, although uncommon, is a condition where you breathe more slowly or weakly than expected (respiratory depression).

As with all strong painkillers, there is a risk that you may become addicted or reliant on these tablets. Very common side effects (probably affecting more than 1 in 10 people taking these tablets) Constipation (your doctor can prescribe a laxative to overcome this problem).
Feeling sick.

Common side effects (probably affecting between 1 and 10 in 100 people taking these tablets)

Drowsiness (this is most likely when you first start taking your tablets or when your dose is increased, but it should wear off after a few days).
Dry mouth, loss of appetite, abdominal pain or discomfort.
Vomiting (being sick). This should normally wear off after a few days. However your doctor can prescribe an anti-vomiting medicine if it continues to be a problem.
Dizziness, headache, confusion, difficulty in sleeping.
A feeling of unusual weakness.
Involuntary muscle contractions.
Rash or itchy skin.

Uncommon side effects (probably affecting between 1 and 10 in 1000 people taking these tablets)

Difficulty in breathing (possibly due to fluid on the lungs) or wheezing.
A condition where the bowel does not work properly (ileus).
Changes in taste, indigestion.
A feeling of dizziness or ‘spinning’, fainting, seizures, fits or convulsions.
Agitation, mood changes, hallucinations, a feeling of extreme happiness.
Unusual muscle stiffness.
Tingling or numbness.
Difficulty in passing urine.
Low blood pressure, facial flushing (redness of the face).
Swelling of the hands, ankles or feet.
A worsening in liver function tests (seen in blood test).
Blurred vision.
Muscle spasms.

Frequency unknown (cannot be estimated from the available data)

Unpleasant or uncomfortable mood, abnormal thoughts.
An increased sensitivity to pain.
Reduction in size of the pupils in the eye.
A fast or slow heartbeat.
High blood pressure.
Decreased cough reflex.
Colicky abdominal pain or discomfort, an increase in the severity of symptoms associated with inflammation of the pancreas (severe pain in the abdomen and back).
Impotence, decreased sexual drive, absence of menstrual periods.
Withdrawal symptoms (See section 3 “If you stop taking MST Continus tablets”).

Reporting of side effects

If you get any side effects, talk to your doctor or pharmacist. This includes any possible side effects not listed in this leaflet. You can also report side effects directly via the Yellow Card Scheme at http://www.mhra.gov.uk/yellowcard. By reporting side effects you can help provide more information on the safety of this medicine.
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5. How to store MST Continus tablets

Keep out of the reach and sight of children.

Do not use any tablets after the expiry date which is stated on the blister and carton. EXP 08 2010 means that you should not take the tablets after the last day of that month i.e. August 2010. Do not store your tablets above 25°C. Do not take your tablets if they are broken or crushed as this can be dangerous and can cause serious problems such as overdose.

Medicines should not be disposed of via wastewater or household waste. Ask your pharmacist how to dispose of medicines no longer required. These measures will help to protect the environment.
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What MST Continus tablets contain

The active ingredient is morphine sulphate. Each tablet contains 5 mg, 10 mg, 15 mg, 30 mg, 60 mg, 100 mg or 200 mg of morphine sulphate.

The other ingredients are:

Cetostearyl alcohol
Magnesium stearate
Lactose (except for 100 mg and 200 mg tablets)
Hypromellose (E464) (except for 10 mg)
Titanium dioxide (E171)
Polyvinyl alcohol (10 mg only)

The tablets also contain the following colourants:

10 mg – Iron oxide (E172)

15 mg – Iron oxide (E172), brilliant blue (E133), quinoline yellow (E104) and indigo carmine (E132)

30 mg – Erythrosine (E127), indigo carmine (E132) and sunset yellow (E110)

60 mg – Erythrosine (E127), quinoline yellow (E104) and sunset yellow (E110)

100 mg – Iron oxide (E172) and indigo carmine (E132)

200 mg – Brilliant blue (E133) and quinoline yellow (E104)
What MST Continus tablets look like and the contents of the pack

The tablets are marked with NAPP on one side and the strength (e.g. 5 mg, 10 mg etc) on the other.

The tablets are coloured as follows: 5 mg – white, 10 mg – golden brown, 15 mg – green, 30 mg – dark purple, 60 mg – orange, 100 mg – grey, 200 mg – teal green.

In each box there are 60 tablets.
Marketing Authorisation Holder and Manufacturer

The tablets are made by
Bard Pharmaceuticals Limited
Cambridge Science Park
Milton Road

This leaflet is also available in large print, Braille or as an audio CD. To request a copy, please call the RNIB Medicine Information line (free of charge) on:

You will need to give details of the product name and reference number.

These are as follows:

Product name: MST Continus tablets

Reference number: 16950/0035


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The Number 23 – A Movie made me see life – Understand more, you?


I am not blogging about a movie here

Forget this AMAZING movie for one second, well lets not, lets imply it to my thinking 1st. The movie is about a man who did or lose something, a something so evil, he hid it from himself. He just made his mind forget and started to live and smile and be happy. Then one day the truth started to unfold so badly the man in the movie was lost again, as he was before. This got me thinking about myself, and please give me sympathy and I will hunt you and kill you 😀 Seriously, none of that stuff. But! Going back to how I felt after I watched this movie 23 made me understand that for the last 7+ years I was in utter denial over issues that happened in my life, I pretended to forget, I never actually forgot, I just pretended to

Why do some have this insight others don't?

Why do some have this insight others don’t?

My Childhood I was a regular lad, loving parents and we had happy times, sadly there were bad times and I forgot to forget them I guess. Today as I write this my mind is my own and my body is slowly catching up as I beat myself to death every day in my boxing Gym, pushing my body to a stage of a pain I have no word for, leaving myself screaming in agony and crying like a little girl. But please understand I have woken up for the first time in my life. I always have said music and movies I love. Music is the only thing that connects us in the sense we all love some form of music we all have a song or a set of songs, just stop and think of your song, yeah, you get it,. Where as movies are a different art altogether, but to define it as art to begin with we must define art. Art is expression of the soul, it’s a thing people do for many reasons. Just because it’s relevant let me tell you about ‘Artists, something that will make sense more, but it begs the question, why do we lose our minds? We see it every day with famous people and people we know and love, I was almost there, I am talking through experience here 😀 I shouldn’t smile because it was real and Millions of people live with a bad mind and never come back, what makes some go mad and others able to pull back from brink, it seems It’s only on the brink that people find the will to change. Only at the precipice do we evolve our minds, but not always for the better

Strange minds come in all walks of life

Strange minds come in all walks of life

Ferris Bueller Actor Matthew Broderick was driving in Ireland when he was involved in a car crash. One person in the other vehicle died. Oscar Pistorius killed his girlfriend, Snoop Dogg was charged in connection with the death of Philip Woldemariam, a gang member who was shot dead by Snoop’s bodyguard. OJ Simpson we know and really I could go on and on. Hitler was a painter before he wanted to kill, Pol pot was a painter and killed millions, again I could go on and on and on. The point I am making is the most amazing/crazy minds can also kill and the line between Brilliant and Crazy is so small it’s almost invisible. If people mean it or not they find a way always a way is found, and if they can move on with life after the event all the better but not always. I am as we speak putting myself into that cast of people, why you ask? Well I lost badly, I lost so badly I sit here just realising I did lose badly. And now I play that dreaded disabled card on you

The Courtyard of the Old Residency in Munich, Adolf Hitler, 1914

The Courtyard of the Old Residency in Munich, Adolf Hitler, 1914

I was 24 or so when the pain came, I was a Baker, football player just stopped and starting to help with my two sons football, I partied and I had a very active live. Then the Government in their wisdom signed me off work for LIFE with what I had at the time A SORE KNEE! Yeah, the Government who decide who lives and dies today signed me off from Work aged 24, today I am that signed off person, but I am asking if they put me there through being lazy, because of that one Dr working for the Government I am not disabled with M.E, Fibromyalgia and C.P.S with no cure or relief . I stopped working, and I got my head into football, I was OBSESSED by it, so obsessed I became a qualified in Scotland and Europe Football Manager, I never managed higher than 4,000 fans at a time and never got past Senior Adult level when I stopped 8+ years ago due to the pain, Football gave me a voice, I led, never did I lead with ego, I led as in team, I led from the front as part of 4 teams and won 19 trophies in 15 seasons as coach and manager. Also I was a DJ for a while in a club my family are involved in, then IT ALL STOPPED

I know, I know!! Shared already, BUT I WAS WINNING AT LIFE!

I know, I know!! Shared already, BUT I WAS WINNING AT LIFE!

Here I am in 2016 and I am waking up, because I don’t have a voice any more I guess that is why I blog, it must be that because I really dislike Social Media and Blogging 😀 Stupid and ridiculous or what? My mind is now my own, the pain is getting so bad I just have to own and accept as well as allow the pain now, I have to make it my own and just step forward. My mind is in a better place but I am still a long way away from full awakening. Remember I wrote this? Way back in November 20th 2014 I discovered something but didn’t know what at the time with Finding Nirvana, Reading a 2014 blog over again just now is showing me that was the day I knew I had to change my ways or started to know it, and strange as it is, Nirvana is a state of mind in BLISS, I am not far away, in agony you ask? You just have to put your mind in a good place, that or die, that is my or was my deal and something I know many are suffering all over the World. I won’t ever be better, the pain will only get worse, the medication I hope will be totally gone. Waking up with a free mind is something, and it’s ALL RIGHT HERE! Seriously I could take all these blogs and write a book about a 24 year old guy who lost everything but gained so much he forgot to stop and know it. I have two sons around early 20’s, two little girls around 5 years old and my Partner. I also have my Mum and other family who I am connecting back with these days. Life is good when it should be hell, confused yet?

The Number 23 Official Traile
Via New Line Cinema on You Tube

So that was the movie that made me blog this. To anyone living in denial or pain, anything like this, please know you can own your mind one day. I will admit it, for a few years I was gone because of the Dr’s Heroin prescriptions and also the pain, it took my mind without asking, it made me into something I wasn’t, it confused me and I thank God my partner loved me so much she hung around, it made me paranoid and it made me close up and place myself in a bubble, hell I even wrote about that in 2013!! 3 years ago tomorrow I wrote this When we place ourselves in a private bubble, turn to love, WOW!! 1 DAY AWAY FROM 3 YEARS!! Nah I am joking, well I am not, it’s true, the Movie 23 if you have not seen it is about that kind of thinking in numbers, what I just said about 3 years is funny, if you have not seen this movie you won’t get it 😀 Anyway, nearly 7AM, I best go and find something to do. But I will leave you with one song, just one song that is and has helped me through, 1 song from hundreds I guess. When people sit and make songs millions, 10’s of millions of people like them, so is that an art form? Am I any different to any artist? Are any of us? PS: You must watch the number 23, it is a masterpiece with a truth to it so unreal. Seriously, research 23 <Click) it might just make you go mad, 23 is one of the most commonly cited prime numbers, or is there more? 😉

Dying Inside – Gary Barlow in concert
Via Ivy Neeson on You Tube



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It's a fake gun, relax

It’s a fake gun, relax. It’s the eyes I am going for

Above my blog are 3 pages, one is Living with CPS/Fibro and M.E. – 3 Disabilities I hope I can help others, that is all. When we have to put ourselves in a bubble and ignore almost everyone, it’s for good reason usually. Sadly others see it different, because some STILL want to name me and put a name on me as well as define me, this is the only way I can try and speak back. I can’t do ‘Going out’ much these days. I am making myself a monster so I can get into THAT ROOM, the room in the 3 links below. I just spent another hard morning doing Boxing work with a hairline fracture on my right ankle and damage to my left hand. Always I look to be inspired by things be them images or music, these are the only two things boxing will help you with. A famous fighter once said “Boxing is the Loneliest training or sport on Earth” I have that on my wall with other images to help me, and boy was he correct. I was a boxer as a kid, not allowed to fight by my Dad who maybe didn’t want me to go that road? I have no idea, he said “You can’t protect yourself” and I thought I did, this was 30 years ago now, so we laugh about it today my Dad and I as he calls me asking how I am doing with this fight for lifequote-Frank-Bruno-boxing-is-the-toughest-and-loneliest-sport-82019

The video below sadly I couldn’t find the lyrics video for so hit play on the video then scroll down to the lyrics. Who can identify with these lyrics? I can for sure, they make utter sense. Today I went into THAT ROOM for many people, the list is long and I am at the bottom, I can’t do this for myself, it has to be for others. I have added more pictures to my wall, and when I am screaming in pain, dulled by the music I have blasting out I know I am not alone. Many of us have a battle right? Mine is to live longer, that is it man, I can’t define it any better. I do feel lonely, I am having to decline offers to be places or go places because what I am doing I have to FIND HATE! And I don’t do hate, in my mind I MUST find a reason to keep doing what I am doing in a pain I have never felt before. The pain is dull, very deep and doesn’t go away. So when I am in that room I change my thinking to where I need to put it, then I have to start thinking about my Daughters and others before I finish and leave THAT ROOM. 7 weeks in and my body is starting to tighten, I feel the effects. I have to beat this, the rest is just BULLSHIT # The Reality Of Blogging. We shout over each other, it’s 8ull$h1t <# My thoughts on Blogging at the end of 2015

A Song To My Family

1st Report for my Gym/Boxing work. As I fight for life

2nd Report for my Gym/Boxing work. As I fight for life in agony

March 5th 2013: When we place ourselves in a private bubble, turn to love


DeNauN-This Corner
Via ShadyRecords on You Tube – LYRICS BELOW


Hey look let me tell y'all somethin' alright?
What I do, I do
Straight like that
So ain't no sense in y'all troublin' yourselves over that
'Cause man the way I feel right now today

I came up on the wrong side of the fence
I gave my family pain and strife and asked them all for strength
But hell in my defence
And I got too much way too fast
My mama told me it won't last
Now I'm back down on the bottom
Wishin' that I took another path
I should've listened
But my mind was gone
My temper too quick so when my fuse get lit so when it's on, it's on
Yeah, everybody wrong
Yeah, and I'm always right
Yeah, ain't nobody to blame now
It's me vs. Me, man, this my fight

So don't look at me like I am the same person I was before
We all deserve a second chance and this time I think I can do more
I'm better

Yeah I put that on my family, all you gotta do is give me the chance
And I can show you that I'm worthy of the trust that you require
Put it all on my shoulders, I'm a fighter, I won't get tired
When I'm back up in this corner, back up in this corner, tryna get out
Back up in this corner, back up in this corner, gotta get out

You think I got none but I got all kind of sense
Stop judgin' my book by the cover
Maybe you should do a little recounting since
I ain't tryna vent, this ain't what was me
It's nothing owed to me
Get the swan song, I don't need an ode to me
Shit hopefully holdin' this rosary'll keep me out of close calls with 
the O police
I said I'm tryna be a whole new me
I ain't tryna do the same old thing
I'm tryna prove to my family that I will not bring
No more trouble around, I ain't gotta do nothing
But stay out of shit, I ain't gotta be up in the chaotic
Prolly 'cause it's my redemption that I'm entrenched in
And I won't let anybody deny my vision, it's my decision
But y'all ain't listenin'

So don't look at me like I am the same person I was before
We all deserve a second chance and this time I think I can do more
I'm better

Yeah I put that on my family, all you gotta do is give me the chance
And I can show you that I'm worthy of the trust that you require
Put it all on my shoulders, I'm a fighter, I won't get tired
When I'm back up in this corner, back up in this corner, tryna get out
Back up in this corner, back up in this corner, gotta get out

It's my gameplan now
To get in this ring and show that I'm a changed man and how
I won't blow another chance to make you proud
Even though you got the right to hate me now
I know you lost your hope in me
But hopefully I can restore it back where it's supposed to be
I just want my daughter back, this fight means much more than that
I'm tryna think before I react, I ain't get the message at first
I tried to ignore the facts
But I'm much older, she's my soldier, I told you
I'd go to war for that
I said your boy is the truth and it's no lie in him
All he needs is his family with him
Y'all want him 'til it's no room given
I'ma hit him 'til the ref come and get him

So don't look at me like I am the same person I was before
We all deserve a second chance and this time I think I can do more
I'm better


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I Will ♫ Hurt ♪ You! I am done trying. I don’t understand the Human Species


Tonight as my family are at a party, I am not. It was my choice, but a choice forced through pain. I dropped my girls at the party and drove home, made a cup of tea and a friend called  on Twitter had tagged me and a few others into a song. I hadn’t heard this song for many a year and I watched it and it’s lyrics and I felt every word, the song and lyrics are in a video below and they fit perfect for my mind in this moment. Sympathy seems to be what people think what I want in life. The facts are I make friends and then they go away, I send them away, hurt them, and I hide. Before I was in the World, a part of living, out most nights doing things I was passionate about, and here I am on self destruction mode again. I don’t have a ‘Death Date’ sadly, I have been pain for 17 years now, a pain I am told that is similar to someone moments from Death with Aids or Cancer. I never thanked the Hospital Dr for telling me that because placebo can play tricks on the human mind. I hurt people, I walk away from people and it’s my choice. Thing is, I HATE MYSELF FOR DOING WHAT I DO. 006_LifeIsNotMeasured.11I have 3 disabilities and in the end I am just always playing the sympathy ‘Disabled Card’ But never with intention. The pain I am in just now would drive many to suicide and it does. I won’t do that. But I must maybe leave or go and find something I can connect with, because all I do is hurt the people I love and almost kill people who look at me the wrong way. This is my blog, my page, my words. They are mine to keep and to own, please, if you don’t like them then don’t reply, go fuck off. If you are a friend talk to me in private or something. I am sick of being this version of myself. I WILL HURT YOU, I am going through hell, no matter what I do or say I hurt people. The disability acted for me and people walked away from me. Thanks for understanding pain and hurt! I know everyone has a story, hurt, pain, an issue, a life, I GET THAT. But I remember a World where people actually fucking cared. I am sorry to swear but I don’t belong with this species, I know several people like me, they are not ill, they are just people I love to talk to, some in my life, some on-line as is today’s ways when we embrace social media. I don’t get the Human Special, I feel Alien to you all. But I don’t hate, PLEASE remember that. Also my pain is typing for me here, my lack of medication is acting for me here.

Ain’t life a motherfucker? 😀


Johnny Cash Hurt with lyrics
Via Kyle72895 on You Tube



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Boring Story, My Fight For Life – ♫ HAPPY ♫

downloadSo, here I am blogging, but this isn’t a story, this isn’t even interesting. But I have this page and now I have been awake for almost 20 hours, totally shattered, closed eyes, feels I am drifting to sleep then your body feels like it got an electric shock. When I said “Blogging is boring” I think I should have said “This shit is boring” I can say ‘No Sympathy’ 100 times a day yet I am thankful to the people who speak out loud and others who talk to me in private, same as I do with people like me or worse. The people I like best are the people who don’t talk about this, yet irony strikes and here I am writing my thoughts down. I am in a fight for life, every day it becomes more, I feel it more and understand it more. If I don’t get off this medication and get my muscle tone better its curtains for any resemblance of a life in 5 years. Soon and sadly one of my kids moves out of the house and I am already buying stuff to make it a gym of sorts for the year I am allowed the room before my Partner takes it off me and gives it to the Girls as a room for TV/Wii/Laptops/Tablets and all the stuff little girls do, giving them their own space, bit of trust as they will be 6 and 7 in a year, but all good. So staring January I am going to kill myself to make me alive. I never boxed for any honors; my Dad put me in with a real good trainer who had a UK Belt for his weight. 2 or 3 nights a week between Football training I was learning to defend myself. That was the deal my Dad imposed on me “You don’t fight till you can defend” Then girls and drink got in the way and the rest is fun. But at a tender age of 42 years old I see the fight, I fight it every day. But like I said before, the more I wake up from the medication that was horrendous levels, the slower my life is going. I am remembering things, days seem longer and slower. I still have 6 Months to go and I started 10 months ago, so I am 2/3 way there, this is the hardest bit, but I say that every Monday when I go in the right direction with good deeds to myself, like coming off 1 more tablet, and I feel it for weeks or a month, my body and mind screams for what is almost Heroin because it’s the same. Now my body is ready to be self harmed in a good way as I beat the crap out of myself punching, moving and when the pain comes harder I punch harder. The reason I blogged was to get it out my system so after the festive period I don’t need this page to say what I do, I just go do! Also, people may think it’s a weakness to write as I do, I disagree, it takes guts to write this. I have a good mate, suffers from deep depression that is so dark he is suicidal, he came out one day and told the world and not 1 person seen it coming. Point I am making is “How many sit and suffer”? I choose my ways at my time and we all deserve this right. And if people think I care what hate comes to me does, understand I never feel the hate. I ask for it often, I write to be belittled if people want to lower themselves, to be told I am less if people want too, but in reality it’s a handful of kids probably. To be told I will fail helps me so I can prove it to myself that one day I won’t be on here and my amazing life re-starts in a new form. This is a real fight for life right now; if I lose my kids literally grow up with a dreaded day every year at a young age, for my kids for my partner my mum my sister some family and friends and others, sure. But for me 1st. Because if there is no me, there is no life for them with me and I refuse to lay down. Maybe 1 day I can help them stand up when they fall and they might, we all do, I fell but this is me standing back up now, you ain’t reading the start here, you are reading the end chapter, so I can’t confuse my feelings here. Trust me, knowing this pain, this level of human suffering, same suffering I read and hear over Skype or a phone call, man you can’t not care, but I ruin it always by saying “I have no fear” There isn’t a man alive I would be afraid from, he would beat me but fear is choice. When you are as low as I have been fear becomes your friend, fear pushes you on, makes you want it more, then one day fear goes and discipline and order start to take over. I did boxing, football, I worked, part time DJ for free and fun and a ton more as a kid and adult, I was taking the World on, doing things I was taking for granted and take for granted today still, as I always say the small detail is always the biggest and every time I demand the impossible for myself, I make it a mountain, an enemy almost, done it before, I won, we won. I spent and spend so much time telling others to stand up, now I have to hate this room, I must make this room my enemy. Images of whomever and whatever will go up on this rooms walls, they will be my enemy till I beat it. Strange way to look at it but I need away and the words from family and strangers to help, I am due many a pint, but I am not out the woods just yet. I am good for a party of course, so don’t discount me just yet, this isn’t the real me here, this is tired sore me, I am actually a goofball in real life, I make rooms laugh, well most 😀  Anyway, it’s now 7 AM+, I am going to lay down and try close my eyes. No sympathy, if anything just know you are behind me as I would you. I ask to be left alone to fight. I have my two wee princesses’ to win for. In life we need reasons to step forward. I have dozens of reasons, but I use the ones that will make me hurt myself more. I have to die trying. Also if you don’t blog, DON’T START 😀 Honest, it’s humble comfort is like addiction. That is how I see this here, a comfort zone for my mind. If 1 person reads it brilliant, if nobody reads it then it does not matter. For me it’s not what people think, it’s about me escaping fear, writing so close to the bone because I must give reason to the fight that is coming. Come July 2016 I want to be a man people won’t recognize, I want to be a better person, better father, partner, son and brother, friend too. These are my words laid bare for all to see. But in reality I have shared nothing here, only my piss poor story.


Pharrell Williams – Happy (Official Music Video)
Via iamOTHER on You Tube

For now…….


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Progress report – coming off Dr’s Medication…Part 308

Please read, you will understand 'Hope'

Please read, you will understand ‘Hope’

Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain Issues < Join there if this applies to you, don’t suffer alone. Please, we can help each other, this is my journey and many from Scotland helped me. If we keep it in too long, we one day explode.

[Rant/Vent/TalkingOutLoud] – Just nonsense words for a moment. They mean very little. Always no sympathy, this is a process I was told helps and it does. This isn’t progress report 308, probably more 10. But what this does is allow me to read this in a few months, like I do with blogs like this I did before, and see where I was in terms of mind-set and pain, in theory this is a log I use to help myself but if it helps someone else, why can’t I share my thinking in this moment? I was taking 64 tablets a day 4 Months ago, today I am taking 16 a day. Also I went from usually 30/40Ml 4x a day of Morphine to 4Ml a today , my body is screaming inside, I am hallucinating, I am seeing dead relatives and other things I can’t share because I have no words to express them. resized_walt-meme-meme-generator-cook-meth-they-said-it-will-be-fun-they-said-c730c4I had a family member stay last week and most of the time I had to hide in my room to protect her from seeing what I also protect my 2 princess’s from, my 2 Daughters who are 5 and 6, I don’t want the young girls in my life who I love seeing me coming off this crap, it’s horrid, unfair and all those words. So today I must say without Dawn my partner, I have no idea where I would be today, when I am low she pulls me up, when I am dark she offers me light, she is my rock. We agreed to never say any of this online as we say it face to face but in this moment the credit for this goes to my love, without her smile, her love, her ability to be gentle, I may have given in, maybe, just maybe. Like I always do I turn to be inspired I look for things to inspire me, I find things to make my mind see tomorrow. I share for me and you, be you a confused family member or friend wondering why you see very little of me. What I am going through is preparing me to live again, but in torture & agony, but we always must find a way to keep living, the human body can withstand more than we know if we believe it can. Mind over matter we hear a lot?


If Bob can say it and sing about it, surely anyone can right?

Like I say, IF I GIVE UP ON MYSELF, I DIE IN 5 YEARS! I must get muscle tone higher, I have to lose weight, not a lot, just enough to give me a chance. Swimming is the only thing that helps, buoyancy in water makes the pain less. Walking I have started to do but I can’t every day. I could swim 5 mile a day, run 5 mile a day, it would hurt and the pain would never go away. I have also stopped smoking, drinking unhealthy drinks, just small things in a gradual way. Pain I can only describe as all over body toothache, but all I do won’t help the pain it will clear my mind enough to live normally, whatever normal is, truly I have forgotten, it only gives my body a chance to fight back. I have my mind now, 100% I have my mind, I am starting to remember things, time has slowed down. time-doesnt-heal-anything-it-just-teaches-us-how-to-live-with-the-pain-quote-267e9d45bc3a7ff9955027f9588415cf4Example here, I take medication every 4 hours, when I was on full dosage the 4 hours flew past because I was drugged up, today I take the small amounts of medication and after 1 hour in my mind I think “This must be 4 hours” I then look at the clock and see it’s been only 1 hour, this is good news, I am remembering, time is slowing, moments become more, memories last longer. My son sent me this song below and it’s power helps me. I think he knew this song would help me. To the untrained mind this song does not fit my mood and pain in this moment, but it does.   This is what I feel ‘Good’ in my mind and progress I know is happening. I don’t care if 1 person or 10,000 read this, this is for me, so I can look back. When I am where I want to be I can then maybe help others trapped with any kind of chronic illness or issues that made them stand still like I was doing. I know people will laugh when they read this but all my time as a football manger helps me, I used to demand men to fight, to bleed for a cause. I have a cause and trying to do it for me as I once asked of others is there for me, I must scream at myself, I just need to demand my body to not give in. The end of this story will go 2 ways. 1. I am living in the World again, doing things I love with the people I love or 2. This! And this is boring me badly, but changing brain waves is what we must do when the pain is so dull and strong we can’t breath. We must find small tricks to fool our minds. Movies and Music inspire me always, also my group Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain Issues is a source of help for us all, me too. maxresdefaultTo reduce 38 tablets and 20Ml ish of Morphine a day in 4 months is too quick, too fast, I am treading on a fine line here, but I am doing ok, I am borderline dangerous as I do this, but I want it gone. Roughly 7′ AM, 1st December 2015 as I type. Here I am up again, shuffling around the house like a 100 year old person. Utterly shattered. Can’t sleep. The pain I am in, I was told a year or so ago by my Dr’s/Pain Team is similar to someone in their final moments dying of Cancer or Aids (HIV). Comforted I ‘wasn’t’ when I had the workings of my illness explained to me. I am doing real well though. I might not be able to do something today but this doesn’t mean I can’t tomorrow. I just hope this isn’t all a strange placebo effect I am sharing. Till the next step….

The Weeknd Wicked Games LYRICS
[VIDEO] Via: Reema CB on You Tube

Spread the love 


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Stopping My Medication Progress – Family Walk Away From Our Ill’s


We lose control of our minds often

Strange as it is, my brother from another Mother wrote exactly as I did at the same time here http://justusowls.com/2015/10/29/attention/ < 😀 #WOW! That is from my friend Eddie Tatro, an American Archbishop. I hate writing these blogs, reason I don’t do many but they allow me to look back in time and see where I was a week ago, month ago or a year ago, this helps me and even better it helps my old Dr who is a pain Dr and it helps others who have chronic illness, I am a guy who needs to help, I can’t hate or be selfish. September 7th was my last progress report HERE and I am almost off the worst Medication today. Morphine is an evil drug as it speaks and acts for you and you have no idea what you have done, like I say below, Family walked away from an ill Son/Brother/Cousin/Nephew/Friend/Whatever, but I don’t blame them, today I would ask them to understand the illness and medication were your enemy, not me, I suffered like you and I am aware people are worse off than me and also, sadly, people hold grudges for life often, not something I will do, I can’t, I don’t know how to hate or leave a loved one hanging. For many years, just in moments the medication acted and spoke for me. I am now able to help others in my group called Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain Issues <Click) Anyone living the hell I once was is free to join my group where we are all trying to stand back up again, because of my journey I am now able to help others who are down and can’t get up. Keep in mind, to be pain is to know and understand a pain that exists in all our moments, tricking the brain can only be done so far, the rest you need a good loving partner and family and friends who seen me struggling and helped me stand up, I didn’t thank them, I would do the same for them, for me that is what family and friends do, we help each other stand back up.

UB40 – All I Want to Do (Lyric Video)
These lyrics pretty much sum up what I say here

It taught me hate but it taught me not to hate back, also it taught me to smile when hate was around or calling on me. Also, NOT 1 PERSON DIED IN THE CREATION OF THIS OR ANY BLOGS I DID, NOR DID ANYONE DIE FROM TEXTS OR EMAILS I SENT. But people did die and I am the bad guy? That one confuses a lot of my friends more than it does me, but please, no hate, just examples of human expression and how technology can bring us together or tear us apart, the written word is a mystery to the untrained eye who has not spoken to the voice of the font they read. Many I have not spoken to for a decade and more, yet they have me all sussed out and named me as what they will. This is life, happens to us all. Irony is the very same people who throw hate are hated themselves, but hate is choice, I choose not to hate, I choose to neglect hate, not feed it and ignore itsteve-jobs-quotes-1024x658 Because of my experiences with the Medication, family and friends I am now remembering what these vile Drugs were doing to not just me but people globally as you will see in the group from other people, there are 400 people all saying the same damn thing “Family walked away from me” So this was helpful to me in bad moments, I understood love more and today I am happy and the people in my life, people I visit, speak too, whoever and whatever are through my choice, losing sleep isn’t something I do over harsh words spoken behind me, people read font and take it badly but what I notice and learn is, with some I can only exist with them in the spoken word, font loses people. Of course people need to take Medication to live, for all my friends and people I met on my journey who stayed around and were decent, knowing I was a friend or family member just trying to stand up, I don’t need to thank you, again, we should expect loved ones to understand, sadly and if you read my Blogs on our World I am insignificant and so are you. Now my mind is clearer still I notice a few family members, and I can’t blame them, have walked away from me. Yet at the back of my mind I am thinking “If they had Cancer, would people walk away from them?” Because that is how it feels today. No hate 😀 The illness and medication actually has put me in a great place today as all the wrongs from yesterday make us happy today, if this is so then all the hurt was worth it and we should move on, I am, are you? I am trying my best to reach these few Family members I want in my life again and I will keep trying till we can all smile together again, sadly as you know if you read my blog, dysfunction, anger and hatred are stubborn words with human effects. Today all I can say to anyone I chased away is “Sorry” But please know I was and still am very ill and was very medicated, big deal! I just hate what moments have done to my family, people think they are oh so perfect, yet if you point me to a perfect person I point back and say ‘Liar’hqdefaultI don’t want sympathy, I just want a few members of family back, understanding, let it be said once then move on and live and have fun is my idea here. I was a bad lad when I was in my early 20’s, people I have not seen for 20 years still think I am that guy, so the different between me being a young criminal to an ill person highly medicated is the same, MUD STICKS and people who don’t see the human side to our suffering walk away, gossip and talk behind you. All I ask is if you can, pick up the phone or get out my life, a life I am smiling through these days with the help of my 2 wee girls who are 5 and 6 years old, 2 little barrels of joy that are helping me step back to MY reality and my choosing of whom is in my life, they have no idea how much they help me my kids, one day when I am an old man I might tell them. For Brothers and Sisters, to parents and uncles, cousins and all in-between, talk or walk, I lose no energy over hate. I say at the foot of most blogs “More love, less hate” And I do mean it. Often these days I am wondering if the illness has did this or has the World changed so much? I asked the question in the blog below.

I did this blog a week ago today: Today’s Disfunctional Family Unit <Click)


The Hallucinations I was having over the last few months were fairly bad, looking up from your bed in agony as your body demands the poison and Blog 1seeing your sadly passed away Gran in-front of you is not pleasant let me assure you, am I red faced because of the things I said? Yes, do I lose sleep? No because I was not in control. I know many people with the same issues as me, and we always have fun and laugh, we NEVER talk about life in a bad way. I was told this morning, not in a bad way, but gently that I sent emails or texts a few years back to half my family, I have no idea I did this, I have no recollection of this event. I guess today with a clear mind and better moments and better today’s I am maybe, not angry at some people, I can’t find the right word for it. But I go back to what I said above “Would we walk away from a family member or friend with Cancer” Who were struggling? Hell no, sadly through life’s process’s my illness made me do things I had no idea I was doing. To say I am 100% clear would be a lie because I had a misunderstanding with a guy I love to bits last week, I was in bed screaming trying to hide life from my two little princess’s and it was a BAD MOMENT a moment I learnt that when I am in, I turn off the internet and hide my tablet and phone. We spoke and love was said. Down the right hand side of my blog is “Deliberate Donkey” <Click) I am the kid in the boat, I wrote that medicated but with the full knowledge of certain people I did ask before I wrote it, 1 person forgot, but it’s ok, events break us and events make us. An old wise guy I know and spoke to earlier today says to me a lot “I cry for Humanity” For many years I didn’t give it thought, as I grow old and because 80% of my blogs are about our World I understand the wise man’s words today. I learn every day, but if people don’t want me in their life then who loses? I have all I need right here, I am happy now in my Bubble. When we place ourselves in a private bubble, turn to love <Click) I actually wrote about this blog on March 13th 2013CHc0mFvWsAE5V5R

My partner reminds me of this

My partner reminds me of this “People listen to you Shaun” She tells me

See, because I write in moments like this about life I can go back and re-read how I was in other moments like here and know I am either recovering or regressing, either way what I have is for life but in a non-morbid way of thinking, we are all dying slowly right? Sadly Millions die slower, often over a lifetime, for these people I must share this, if you are not ill and don’t get this blog, please don’t reply and simply choose to walk away from it, we have choice in this life, I choose to be as open as I can with my life on here, in reality I share 10% of my life to the World, it just seems more. I am aware I did bad things and I am aware some bad things I did can never be forgotten so all I can do is try and make up for them. My partner reminds me always “Shaun, you were winning once and you can win again” She is my rock, my logic, my thoughts, my best friend and lover and she shows me things to prove her point so I wills share my partners meaning with you so you understand how gentle she is with me when I am not in a good way

I WON BEFORE! I am bottom left, my 2nd in commands hand on my shoulder

I WON BEFORE! I am bottom left, my 2nd in commands hand on my shoulder

Dr Alastair Dobbin: Dr Sheila Ross, PhD

Dr Alastair Dobbin: Dr Sheila Ross, PhD

This here I am writing 1st for myself also so I can let my Dr and ill friends or people who are on the ground read it, my old Dr gets useful information from it as it’s his job as a pain specialist to help others. We used to go to the big conference rooms in the Astley Ainslie Hospital with Dr Alastair Dobbin in Edinburgh and I would do Question and Answer sessions about how my pain came, how it destroyed me then made me again to 100 to 300 people at a time, this is his site and I am on it in Video if you look The Foundation for positive mental health

life-quoteThis is brilliant information for people who recently have been told they may die or will spend the rest of their lives in pain. What I have will kill me if I let it so it’s all about being honest with myself, writing freely and not caring who I offend or who is upset over internet font. The internet did 2 things to this World in my eyes, first it brought the World together in a great way, I speak to people from the USA to Australia and all in-between, the downside to technology like this is people read things wrong and the meaning is lost and hate happens, when in-fact all people can do is pick up a phone and ask “What did that mean?” But some still sit all angry and sad about things we write and share. This is my 2,570th blog today on ShaunyNews, I have done less than 100 blogs on this very subject. Often it seems to me I do it more, so I have to keep in mind I may have hurt people I love. But I ask again “Would we walk away from a family member we love who had Cancer?” Because it’s the same damn thing, it’s just different. People say “I don’t believe him/her” or “He/she is making it up” even “He/she is feeling sorry for himself” Well that is a fair comment against all of us who are an invisible disability, but stop for a second and ask why they say this. Yeah, we turn the coin around and we understand hate more. I am an expressive lad, tons of my family and friends love me for it but a FEW don’t. When I say a few, it may be more, but the FEW are the ones I would love to get a phone call from. AGAIN, NOBODY WAS HARMED, HURT, KILLED OR EVEN OFFENDED BY ANY OF THIS. People today are so selfish and wrapped up in their own pathetic lives they forget and in the end we see people sit at funerals crying tears of regret or “I should have said more” or “I could have helped more” In the end I call these tears guilt. If you read hatred from me today whilst reading you are the hatred, you are hate not me. I lost the ability to hate when life gave me things to love, when life made me understand the difference between a fool and a good person. I am 42 years old and I honestly feel like I was 18 years old yesterday and I woke up and am now an older guy 😀 It’s a very strange thing, I talked it with my Dr the other day and the Dr simply said “With the medication you were on, you had no control” This gave me a smile and a reason to try and re-connect to life, family and friends. But do be sure like you, I make decisions on who is in my life, as always it’s a 2 way street and today’s hating World makes it harder for us to understand each other, especially when we only read each other on Social Media I now call home instead of listening to a voice. An older relative and I found this out together only last week. I am reconnecting slowly with family and friends and soon I will have a surprise for myself, if others are surprised then so be it, for me, what is to come, I CAN’T WAIT!! x

Like you, I am just trying to live and fighting to live

Like you, I am just trying to live and fighting to live

More love, less hate

This is my blog banner, look down the right hand side of this blog, all blogs. Am I a hater?

This is my blog banner, look down the right hand side of this blog, all blogs. Am I a hater?


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Coming off the heavy medication -Progress report – For me and you


I write these mainly for other people like me and so I can look back in a few months and see the progress. I have already done a few ‘Coming off Medication’ blogs. I just read over them and it is good to see I have made more progress since. It is nearing 5am, I slept for 36 hours straight over the weekend, woke on Sunday tea time, everyone had went to the botanic gardens, so I woke confused with my last memory me picking Dawn and the girls up from my Son’s house. Lately I have had to almost become a recluse to my own life. I am on purpose trying not to be around too many people, so if you read this and wonder why you are not seeing much off me, know it’s all good but I don’t want to be with people at this stage of my progression to normality, whatever that is right 😀 Really define what a normal life is and I will show a lie. There is no ‘Right way to live’ There is only our way, this is what I am feeling as very slowly I come off the Morphine 1st and 12 tablets a day as I am just now. I was on 20mg of Morphine 4 x a day = 80mg, almost a full bottle a day to now 4ml A DAY! Every 2nd day, once I have 5ml with 6 tablets and not 12 as I was before, the side effects are awful, it makes you go to a strange place but slowly I am starting to feel more alive, having more fun. I ask the people I love to know I think of them and to please give me time to come back, to fight this. I can’t fight you while I fight this, but when my fight is even with myself, I help you fight your fight, always I am behind you, know this x

Fighting this is hard

Fighting this is hard

Don’t get me wrong there is not 1 day since I wanted to come off Morphine and reduce tablet in-take where I have not been in utter agony but it’s strange, I now know why I am in pain, where the pain comes from and what I am doing just now is giving myself a fighting chance. I stopped smoking, I stopped drinking fizzy juice, I am eating better and have lost a few pounds, so this gives me a fighting chance, soon I will be doing less of the bad stuff and more that helps me. The hardest part is not seeing people. Really it kills me, but I know when I am ready to meet certain people again I am lucid and in control of the conversation. Will be strange, a normal 42 year old Shaun, LOL. In reality that is the deal here, I am stepping back into life, football and will be ready to take the world on again, I can’t wait for that day to come. But for now I must stick to the deal with my Dr and Dawn and get through this, these are the hardest times I guess, my body is screaming for more medication, the temptation to take them is high so the battle not to take is a battle I am winning, and winning well.

Setting goals is very important

Setting goals is very important

For now, I hope everyone is ok, if you read this and are family know I love you, and please be ready to accept a fool of a man back into your life that will make you laugh as I once did before. It’s been a very hard 10 years or so for Dawn and I but the last 3 months our friendship then love have kept us good and well. I can’t thank the woman enough, but I need not thank her, when you make a promise in love it’s to ‘Love that person in sickness and in health’ It would have been easy for 1 of us to walk but no! We had two little girls and they saved us. Looking back now more aware and awake I see it more and I smile. I have people around me who get me, help me and understand me and as my own self comes back the odd day here and there when I am too much. People in shops when I am being goofy ask Dawn “How do you live with him” Because I am making the whole shop laugh…..

Getting a REAL sense of humor back is fun

Getting a REAL sense of humor back is fun

…..Now that is a Shaun Dawn likes and I like too, and most important my 2 wee princess will see at an age when it’s all they will remember. They won’t remember the days I was screaming in bed or sitting crying because the pain was killing me. The battle is half won here, I will ease past the rest and it will be hell to the end, but I will do it with ease and people who want to see me better will see that. Again it’s more important my Partner, 2 sons and 2 daughters and my inner circle see a difference. I want to be closer with some and decided I didn’t want to be with others, all of it has been choice since day one. So, the fight carries on and soon the lights will be back on 😀 I can’t wait

It could be said..But who loses sleep? :D

It could be said..But who loses sleep? 😀

On my pain page, I update from time to time: Living with M.E.


January 22nd 2015 Coming Off My Fibromyalgia Medication, enough is enough – Time to be braver

February 17th 2015 Will Blog, Won’t Blog, Will Blog, Won’t Blog – This poison needs out my system

July 7th 2015  #Decisions – Letter to ‘All Addicts’ – Drugs/Drink/Gambling & more

July 14th 12 week progress report – Me coming off Prescribed Drugs – The Battle

Winning the battle......

Winning the battle……

More love, less hate


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