For ‘Everyone who is Sad, Alone, Depressed, Stuck in Darkness – YOU ARE NOT ALONE

The Most basic human emotions

Being stuck with negative emotion after a loss in life can change us, being stuck in the darkness of sadness when our life changes for the worst can and will change the strongest of us. I would never sit here or anywhere and claim to know the truth or say I understand how your sadness, or any emotion can be stopped. Right now I personally am in a personal Hell. I don’t write for me because I can openly talk to the right people. It is hard to talk, and it’s not something I enjoy, but I have to fight, like you I have reasons and people to fight for. You are not the only one hurting or sad, depressed or nearing the end of your patience with life, far from it! This is a Taboo subject that not many people can open up about, and this is totally understandable and allowed.

 

Some leave clues to sadness and pain, if we look and listen, we can be helped

Recently, through NHS neglect I have found myself opened up to pain and emotions I have not felt for a long time. Like you I was once happy, living, caring, social, I could go out into the World and join in. When I say NHS neglect I must pull that emotion back and say it’s just human error. People put us on Drugs, we become addicted, and then they take us off them and leave us in utter HELL because our body is craving the drug. I must now turn the coin around and say ‘Alcohol and Drugs’ are not the answer. Drs put me on about 12 different drugs over the last Decade and a half, and today I am happy to try and understand why I have to let these drugs leave my system, but it’s the hardest thing I have ever done, but like you maybe, I need put on Drugs that HELP, Drs may have already killed me. I must say if it wasn’t for FELLOW SUFFERERS I may have given in already. I am told ‘There is a light at the end of the tunnel of pain’ – I can’t yet even see the tunnel, let alone the light. Today I am suffering, but those closest to me, and I mean as close as could be, are suffering worse, because I CHOOSE to trust a Drs advice on ‘Smothering it all with prescribed drugs’ – I have 2 little girls in this house and this is hidden from them, think Daddy has a sore knee, but they are 7 and 8 years old, I know it will break their heart when we have to tell them all about life THEY ARE THE REASON I am typing this at around 4am on a freezing cold Scottish night. Already I have been here an hour, but slowly I am getting the words out somehow. Yesterday (Wednesday) my body went into sever withdrawal and a few organs started to close down. But I made it through another day. I want to RIGHT NOW take my own life to make life better for those I love or call friend. But my Daughters need me, so I can’t be selfish; I have to ‘Man up’ and become strength. The first people I hope to see this strength are my Daughters and their Mother. I can only try, all I can write in this moment is ‘I am trying’ – I walked away from almost everyone I used to love being around, I chase people away because I an angry, but its ok, sometimes we should and can be angry. As I said above, others leave us clues. I hope you can find your way to cope. This isn’t mine, but I am reaching out in the hope the RIGHT PEOPLE read and reach back. The song below starts around 40 seconds in, they lyrics are too much for some, but some of us can live with this music. The proof of this is, it’s a video. It isn’t fair, it hurts and it’s ok to not be ok.

 

 

 

 

MORE LOVE, LESS HATE

blogger-for-peace-van-2

BLOGGERS FOR PEACE AND SANITY

THIS DOES NOT REPRESENT ALL DISABLED PEOPLE

THIS DOES NOT REPRESENT ALL DISABLED PEOPLE

Shaun Gibson Twitter: @ShaunyScot
Skype Username: shaunyg1973
Shaun Celtic FC Twitter: @ShaunyCeltic

THE ABOVE IMAGE NEEDS CHANGED TO THIS - THIS REPRESENTS 'BETTER' FOR SOCIETY TO JUDGE

THE ABOVE IMAGE NEEDS CHANGED TO THIS – THIS REPRESENTS ‘BETTER’ FOR SOCIETY TO JUDGE

 

 

 

 

♫ Keep Singing ♫

plum-blssom-and-oriole-digital-painting-anne-corr

Amazing song below. These days I am TOTALLY understanding Music and its power. As a species NOTHING conventional like Politics, Religion, Sport, the list is endless, can keep us together nor keep us agreeing, we disagree on ALL THINGS, well apart from 1 thing, MUSIC! I am trying to fight past 4 HUGE disabilities that effect my mind and body. I can sit and listen to UB40, I can sit and listen to Lionel Richie, just an example. I close my eyes and pretend to sing to my partner, or my family in a room or venue. In my mind’s eye I am laying in my bed, or my spare room sofa, wherever, and I can let the music take me over. I visualise myself singing songs, I know this sounds crazy but I have to control the disabilities that control my mind, so I am fighting back. If I can play a song into my headset or ear-buds and sing it till the end, I feel liberated in my mind, but often in my thoughts of singing any song, whatever I like in that moment, a demon from my past can creep into my performance, the performance in my mind, so my fight is so big, so visible, yet so small and un-noticed, and I write this not for me, I write this so others can TRY. I hope you can. Love this song below, his album went right to number 1!!. Its lyrics are powerful to me, again it applies to me, if you struggle with pain or mind confusion like I do, pick 1 song and don’t stop till you can imagine, feel, and OWN THE MOMENT, in your mind. Strange yes, disabled yes. 😀 But Disabled people can live, breath and try and NOT BE A BURDEN TO OUR LOVED ONES OR/NOR SOCIETY!!! We deserve this, well most of us, I know people HAPPY on disability benefits and drugs from Drs [YEAH, CHEATERS TAKING MONEY OTHERS NEED].

imagesDisabled or not, see how much you own your mind, good fun for some, real for others. Also I have two little girls in this house, I tell them ‘Daddy has a sore knee’, that will do for now, but they MUST see a real man, a man who loves, tries, shows them a healthy relationship with Mummy, make them know fun and laughter and also plant seeds for the bad things. One day they will see boys, I have a job to do so when they see boys they can see a man in there, not a stupid boy. That is my job, well 1 of them, I have to get this right, for them, it’s that simple. Life kills me, but they reward me with something else, I don’t know what yet. Maybe Angels do exist? Till next time, not really in a ‘Bloggy’ place these days, but Music and THE SIGN below can save many people, I just know I need to help. I am told ‘Help yourself 1st’ But I just can’t, I need to help because I know what it’s like to need help in this often amazing or horrible World we all share. Thanks again for a friend helping me construct this share here

Rick Astley – Keep Singing
Via: RickAstleyVEVO on You Tube

When I was a boy
I saw my daddy crying at the steering wheel
And oh, it made me feel so scared

Then there was joy
Found my religion, swimming in a chour of voices
And oh, I knew that I’d been spared

That I’d be saved some sunny day
Saved from throwing my life away
That I’d be saved some sunny day
From throwing my life, throwing my life away

Keep singing, woah, keep singing
Praising to the heavens with my voice ringing
Keep singing, woah, keep singing
Clap to the beat ’till my hands are stinging
And I’d be saved some sunny day
From throwing my life (throwing my life)
Throwing my life (throwing my life) away

And now I understand
I’m a wide eyed father, blessed are the children
Oh our greatest reward
And with these hands
I’ll move a mountain, build a castle to keep you safe
Of this, you know you can be sure

And you’ll be saved some sunny day
Saved from throwing your life away
And you’ll be saved some sunny day
From throwing your life, throwing your life away

Keep singing, woah, keep singing
Praising to the heavens with your voices ringing
Keep singing, woah, keep singing
Clap to the beat ’till your hands are stinging
And you’ll be saved some sunny day
From throwing your life (throwing your life)
Throwing your life (throwing your life) away

Who do you love
When it all comes down to truth
Who do you love
When it all comes back to you
Who do you love
When you’re lying in your bed
Who do you love
Who do you love

Keep singing, woah, keep singing, pray
Keep singing, woah, keep singing, pray
Keep singing, woah, keep singing, pray
Keep singing, woah, keep singing, pray

And you’ll be saved some sunny day
From throwing your life (throwing your life),
Throwing your life (throwing your life) away

~~~~~

MORE LOVE, LESS HATE

THE ABOVE IMAGE NEEDS CHANGED TO THIS - THIS REPRESENTS 'BETTER' FOR SOCIETY TO JUDGE

CHANGE THESE SIGNS!!! This sign represents more disabled people than not!

♪ WOULD YOU ALMOST KILL YOURSELF TO STAY ALIVE?♫

It's a fake gun, relax

It’s a fake gun, relax. It’s the eyes I am going for

Above my blog are 3 pages, one is Living with CPS/Fibro and M.E. – 3 Disabilities I hope I can help others, that is all. When we have to put ourselves in a bubble and ignore almost everyone, it’s for good reason usually. Sadly others see it different, because some STILL want to name me and put a name on me as well as define me, this is the only way I can try and speak back. I can’t do ‘Going out’ much these days. I am making myself a monster so I can get into THAT ROOM, the room in the 3 links below. I just spent another hard morning doing Boxing work with a hairline fracture on my right ankle and damage to my left hand. Always I look to be inspired by things be them images or music, these are the only two things boxing will help you with. A famous fighter once said “Boxing is the Loneliest training or sport on Earth” I have that on my wall with other images to help me, and boy was he correct. I was a boxer as a kid, not allowed to fight by my Dad who maybe didn’t want me to go that road? I have no idea, he said “You can’t protect yourself” and I thought I did, this was 30 years ago now, so we laugh about it today my Dad and I as he calls me asking how I am doing with this fight for lifequote-Frank-Bruno-boxing-is-the-toughest-and-loneliest-sport-82019

The video below sadly I couldn’t find the lyrics video for so hit play on the video then scroll down to the lyrics. Who can identify with these lyrics? I can for sure, they make utter sense. Today I went into THAT ROOM for many people, the list is long and I am at the bottom, I can’t do this for myself, it has to be for others. I have added more pictures to my wall, and when I am screaming in pain, dulled by the music I have blasting out I know I am not alone. Many of us have a battle right? Mine is to live longer, that is it man, I can’t define it any better. I do feel lonely, I am having to decline offers to be places or go places because what I am doing I have to FIND HATE! And I don’t do hate, in my mind I MUST find a reason to keep doing what I am doing in a pain I have never felt before. The pain is dull, very deep and doesn’t go away. So when I am in that room I change my thinking to where I need to put it, then I have to start thinking about my Daughters and others before I finish and leave THAT ROOM. 7 weeks in and my body is starting to tighten, I feel the effects. I have to beat this, the rest is just BULLSHIT # The Reality Of Blogging. We shout over each other, it’s 8ull$h1t <# My thoughts on Blogging at the end of 2015

A Song To My Family

1st Report for my Gym/Boxing work. As I fight for life

2nd Report for my Gym/Boxing work. As I fight for life in agony

March 5th 2013: When we place ourselves in a private bubble, turn to love

~~~

DeNauN-This Corner
Via ShadyRecords on You Tube – LYRICS BELOW

[Intro]

Hey look let me tell y'all somethin' alright?
What I do, I do
Straight like that
So ain't no sense in y'all troublin' yourselves over that
'Cause man the way I feel right now today

I came up on the wrong side of the fence
I gave my family pain and strife and asked them all for strength
But hell in my defence
And I got too much way too fast
My mama told me it won't last
Now I'm back down on the bottom
Wishin' that I took another path
I should've listened
But my mind was gone
My temper too quick so when my fuse get lit so when it's on, it's on
Yeah, everybody wrong
Yeah, and I'm always right
Yeah, ain't nobody to blame now
It's me vs. Me, man, this my fight

So don't look at me like I am the same person I was before
We all deserve a second chance and this time I think I can do more
I'm better

Yeah I put that on my family, all you gotta do is give me the chance
And I can show you that I'm worthy of the trust that you require
Put it all on my shoulders, I'm a fighter, I won't get tired
When I'm back up in this corner, back up in this corner, tryna get out
Back up in this corner, back up in this corner, gotta get out

You think I got none but I got all kind of sense
Stop judgin' my book by the cover
Maybe you should do a little recounting since
I ain't tryna vent, this ain't what was me
It's nothing owed to me
Get the swan song, I don't need an ode to me
Shit hopefully holdin' this rosary'll keep me out of close calls with 
the O police
I said I'm tryna be a whole new me
I ain't tryna do the same old thing
I'm tryna prove to my family that I will not bring
No more trouble around, I ain't gotta do nothing
But stay out of shit, I ain't gotta be up in the chaotic
Prolly 'cause it's my redemption that I'm entrenched in
And I won't let anybody deny my vision, it's my decision
But y'all ain't listenin'

So don't look at me like I am the same person I was before
We all deserve a second chance and this time I think I can do more
I'm better

Yeah I put that on my family, all you gotta do is give me the chance
And I can show you that I'm worthy of the trust that you require
Put it all on my shoulders, I'm a fighter, I won't get tired
When I'm back up in this corner, back up in this corner, tryna get out
Back up in this corner, back up in this corner, gotta get out

It's my gameplan now
To get in this ring and show that I'm a changed man and how
I won't blow another chance to make you proud
Even though you got the right to hate me now
I know you lost your hope in me
But hopefully I can restore it back where it's supposed to be
I just want my daughter back, this fight means much more than that
I'm tryna think before I react, I ain't get the message at first
I tried to ignore the facts
But I'm much older, she's my soldier, I told you
I'd go to war for that
I said your boy is the truth and it's no lie in him
All he needs is his family with him
Y'all want him 'til it's no room given
I'ma hit him 'til the ref come and get him

So don't look at me like I am the same person I was before
We all deserve a second chance and this time I think I can do more
I'm better

~~End~~

ShaunyNews Twitter: @ShaunyNews
Skype Username: shaunyg1973
ShaunyNews Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/ShaunyNews1/

This is how I defined my life. What about you? Please, share away!

19516e1cc11743180a5aaf45339e8d09Today like most days I awaken to the World around me. Taking less Dr’s Medication is almost killing me in terms of pain, but when I was taking huge amounts of Dihydrocodeine. Anatriptaline, Diazepam, Tramadol and Morphine I was living, life was just going too fast, between 4 hours of each medication I was so doped up it was untrue, these days my World has slowed down so much, but in a good way, moments last longer. Today I take 10% of the medication I used to take, 90% gone, and to say I have woken up is an understatement. I was lucky my partner and two sons, friends and some family were as decent as they were for sure. I desire to be a better partner, Dad, son, brother and friend, but on my terms. Someone said a while back “Why did these people stop talking to you” my reply today is “Through my choices” I remembered a World where families spoke to each other, people cared, people spoke, debate happened, a different World. I remember that World where people took effort to come and visit each other, it still happens in my life but only through choices I want to make, around me I see many families so torn it almost upsets me. My sons are 20+ early 20’s and the World they see around them has been their always, their life, a World they were born into. Today as a 42 year old adult I know so many people of my generation lost, alone or sad. Some are in pain, in-fact too many are in pain. But I have to understand because I reached out to understand my pain, amazing people reached back and my circle of choice has become in my control. People in my life, people I give time of day, people I see every day, every week, people I see always are people I want in my life. Nobody walked away from me, my disability made me see a different World, a World where love actually exists; there are no arguments, no sadness and no pain. affirmation-healthI live in pain so what I say above may seem ‘strange’ to the reader but I made my pain me and I it. I allowed my pain to be me, I became the pain and the pain tries to control me. Medicated I lost many people, but if they walked from me what have I lost? 😀 Really is that simple right? I know a World of people in pain, but a World where laughter and happy is. When I say I have no hate nor fear I mean it, not a lot scares me and I say ‘no to hate. If we live in hate, I am certain hate will kill us or we will die in hate only ever knowing hate. I seen so much hate in my life I just said “No more hate” and it worked, I don’t feel hate or fear, I smile through the pain because it’s my only option. Some didn’t believe I was so badly disabled and medicated but I have to say to myself “They had their own thoughts and own lives to life” So this is when I realized ‘choice’ was mine, and life got easier. BTTWI now see my two sons live with their partners and it’s a joy every day watching two young lads who were once my wee boys, the same age as my Daughter’s are now, just wee boys, both loved football and life was football for us all, my two son’s and partner, we did football for 10/11 years together and looking back it was amazing times. Sure I miss that life, but they are in a new life and so am I, with my 3 girls 1021bannerSo now fast forward to today and I am about to have so much amazing times with two little girls, both around 5 years old. I am seeing two babies turn from toddlers into little girls, soon they become young ladies, they will have questions, fears, difficulty understanding life around them. This is where we all step in. Grandparents, Uncles & Aunts and more so my partner and I and their two big brothers and their partners. We, you the reader and I, are by-products of our parents and upbringing, my two sons have happy and I smile as they are happy because my partner and I helped them become the happy they are today, now it’s time to help two wee girls grow into people who can decide and make their own life, because now they are totally dependent on all the people I mentioned above. I don’t know if this is the circle of life or what but I am loving my life these days. Always the pain knocks me down, every day I fall, but every day love picks me up. These days I am helping others to learn to walk in a direction too, but for now it’s knowing my son’s are good and if they need guidance when it comes, we will be here, my partner and I. We never stop being parents. Today as I font out loud in what is often a personal diary to the World to read. Always I am trying to become better, today I am imperfect but I aim to be as near to perfect as I can, but I won’t be perfect, nobody is in the cold realityseven_deadly_sins_by_suchanartist13-d6li7rlMany tell me “Shaun you give away too much on-line” The reality is I give nothing away online. What I am, who I am is for others to decide and define, they will do it regardless and I won’t. I stopped trying to define people, to understand hate is a tool to an unhappy life. All the bad things and good things brought us all too where we are in this moment. If you are smiling reading this, then you made it this far and you will go far. Life is so VERY EASY it is untrue. I don’t have it all figured out but through making every mistake a young lad and now an adult can make, I understand my World more. These were just my 4am thoughts to myself to read in 5 years from now, looking back smiling at reading how I was becoming a part of the World again. Quote 21I must say the journey so far has been amazing and I have so much good and happy to come it is untrue. Often I wish I hadn’t walked away from some family but I look around my World and I see why I did walk away. We have no gossip, hate, shit, crap. Just a disability to understand and medication we can point to and say “Never again”. When I say we, I mean my partner and I.

More love. Less hate

ShaunyGibson Twitter: @ShaunyGibson
Skype Username: shaunyg1973
ShaunyCeltic Twitter:  @ShaunyCeltic

Progress report – coming off Dr’s Medication…Part 308

Please read, you will understand 'Hope'

Please read, you will understand ‘Hope’

Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain Issues < Join there if this applies to you, don’t suffer alone. Please, we can help each other, this is my journey and many from Scotland helped me. If we keep it in too long, we one day explode.

[Rant/Vent/TalkingOutLoud] – Just nonsense words for a moment. They mean very little. Always no sympathy, this is a process I was told helps and it does. This isn’t progress report 308, probably more 10. But what this does is allow me to read this in a few months, like I do with blogs like this I did before, and see where I was in terms of mind-set and pain, in theory this is a log I use to help myself but if it helps someone else, why can’t I share my thinking in this moment? I was taking 64 tablets a day 4 Months ago, today I am taking 16 a day. Also I went from usually 30/40Ml 4x a day of Morphine to 4Ml a today , my body is screaming inside, I am hallucinating, I am seeing dead relatives and other things I can’t share because I have no words to express them. resized_walt-meme-meme-generator-cook-meth-they-said-it-will-be-fun-they-said-c730c4I had a family member stay last week and most of the time I had to hide in my room to protect her from seeing what I also protect my 2 princess’s from, my 2 Daughters who are 5 and 6, I don’t want the young girls in my life who I love seeing me coming off this crap, it’s horrid, unfair and all those words. So today I must say without Dawn my partner, I have no idea where I would be today, when I am low she pulls me up, when I am dark she offers me light, she is my rock. We agreed to never say any of this online as we say it face to face but in this moment the credit for this goes to my love, without her smile, her love, her ability to be gentle, I may have given in, maybe, just maybe. Like I always do I turn to be inspired I look for things to inspire me, I find things to make my mind see tomorrow. I share for me and you, be you a confused family member or friend wondering why you see very little of me. What I am going through is preparing me to live again, but in torture & agony, but we always must find a way to keep living, the human body can withstand more than we know if we believe it can. Mind over matter we hear a lot?

You-never-know-how-strong-you-are-until-being-strong-is-your-only-choice-Bob-Marley-quote_0

If Bob can say it and sing about it, surely anyone can right?

Like I say, IF I GIVE UP ON MYSELF, I DIE IN 5 YEARS! I must get muscle tone higher, I have to lose weight, not a lot, just enough to give me a chance. Swimming is the only thing that helps, buoyancy in water makes the pain less. Walking I have started to do but I can’t every day. I could swim 5 mile a day, run 5 mile a day, it would hurt and the pain would never go away. I have also stopped smoking, drinking unhealthy drinks, just small things in a gradual way. Pain I can only describe as all over body toothache, but all I do won’t help the pain it will clear my mind enough to live normally, whatever normal is, truly I have forgotten, it only gives my body a chance to fight back. I have my mind now, 100% I have my mind, I am starting to remember things, time has slowed down. time-doesnt-heal-anything-it-just-teaches-us-how-to-live-with-the-pain-quote-267e9d45bc3a7ff9955027f9588415cf4Example here, I take medication every 4 hours, when I was on full dosage the 4 hours flew past because I was drugged up, today I take the small amounts of medication and after 1 hour in my mind I think “This must be 4 hours” I then look at the clock and see it’s been only 1 hour, this is good news, I am remembering, time is slowing, moments become more, memories last longer. My son sent me this song below and it’s power helps me. I think he knew this song would help me. To the untrained mind this song does not fit my mood and pain in this moment, but it does.   This is what I feel ‘Good’ in my mind and progress I know is happening. I don’t care if 1 person or 10,000 read this, this is for me, so I can look back. When I am where I want to be I can then maybe help others trapped with any kind of chronic illness or issues that made them stand still like I was doing. I know people will laugh when they read this but all my time as a football manger helps me, I used to demand men to fight, to bleed for a cause. I have a cause and trying to do it for me as I once asked of others is there for me, I must scream at myself, I just need to demand my body to not give in. The end of this story will go 2 ways. 1. I am living in the World again, doing things I love with the people I love or 2. This! And this is boring me badly, but changing brain waves is what we must do when the pain is so dull and strong we can’t breath. We must find small tricks to fool our minds. Movies and Music inspire me always, also my group Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain Issues is a source of help for us all, me too. maxresdefaultTo reduce 38 tablets and 20Ml ish of Morphine a day in 4 months is too quick, too fast, I am treading on a fine line here, but I am doing ok, I am borderline dangerous as I do this, but I want it gone. Roughly 7′ AM, 1st December 2015 as I type. Here I am up again, shuffling around the house like a 100 year old person. Utterly shattered. Can’t sleep. The pain I am in, I was told a year or so ago by my Dr’s/Pain Team is similar to someone in their final moments dying of Cancer or Aids (HIV). Comforted I ‘wasn’t’ when I had the workings of my illness explained to me. I am doing real well though. I might not be able to do something today but this doesn’t mean I can’t tomorrow. I just hope this isn’t all a strange placebo effect I am sharing. Till the next step….

The Weeknd Wicked Games LYRICS
[VIDEO] Via: Reema CB on You Tube

Spread the love 

Shauny

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Stopping My Medication Progress – Family Walk Away From Our Ill’s

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We lose control of our minds often

Strange as it is, my brother from another Mother wrote exactly as I did at the same time here http://justusowls.com/2015/10/29/attention/ < 😀 #WOW! That is from my friend Eddie Tatro, an American Archbishop. I hate writing these blogs, reason I don’t do many but they allow me to look back in time and see where I was a week ago, month ago or a year ago, this helps me and even better it helps my old Dr who is a pain Dr and it helps others who have chronic illness, I am a guy who needs to help, I can’t hate or be selfish. September 7th was my last progress report HERE and I am almost off the worst Medication today. Morphine is an evil drug as it speaks and acts for you and you have no idea what you have done, like I say below, Family walked away from an ill Son/Brother/Cousin/Nephew/Friend/Whatever, but I don’t blame them, today I would ask them to understand the illness and medication were your enemy, not me, I suffered like you and I am aware people are worse off than me and also, sadly, people hold grudges for life often, not something I will do, I can’t, I don’t know how to hate or leave a loved one hanging. For many years, just in moments the medication acted and spoke for me. I am now able to help others in my group called Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain Issues <Click) Anyone living the hell I once was is free to join my group where we are all trying to stand back up again, because of my journey I am now able to help others who are down and can’t get up. Keep in mind, to be pain is to know and understand a pain that exists in all our moments, tricking the brain can only be done so far, the rest you need a good loving partner and family and friends who seen me struggling and helped me stand up, I didn’t thank them, I would do the same for them, for me that is what family and friends do, we help each other stand back up.

UB40 – All I Want to Do (Lyric Video)
These lyrics pretty much sum up what I say here

It taught me hate but it taught me not to hate back, also it taught me to smile when hate was around or calling on me. Also, NOT 1 PERSON DIED IN THE CREATION OF THIS OR ANY BLOGS I DID, NOR DID ANYONE DIE FROM TEXTS OR EMAILS I SENT. But people did die and I am the bad guy? That one confuses a lot of my friends more than it does me, but please, no hate, just examples of human expression and how technology can bring us together or tear us apart, the written word is a mystery to the untrained eye who has not spoken to the voice of the font they read. Many I have not spoken to for a decade and more, yet they have me all sussed out and named me as what they will. This is life, happens to us all. Irony is the very same people who throw hate are hated themselves, but hate is choice, I choose not to hate, I choose to neglect hate, not feed it and ignore itsteve-jobs-quotes-1024x658 Because of my experiences with the Medication, family and friends I am now remembering what these vile Drugs were doing to not just me but people globally as you will see in the group from other people, there are 400 people all saying the same damn thing “Family walked away from me” So this was helpful to me in bad moments, I understood love more and today I am happy and the people in my life, people I visit, speak too, whoever and whatever are through my choice, losing sleep isn’t something I do over harsh words spoken behind me, people read font and take it badly but what I notice and learn is, with some I can only exist with them in the spoken word, font loses people. Of course people need to take Medication to live, for all my friends and people I met on my journey who stayed around and were decent, knowing I was a friend or family member just trying to stand up, I don’t need to thank you, again, we should expect loved ones to understand, sadly and if you read my Blogs on our World I am insignificant and so are you. Now my mind is clearer still I notice a few family members, and I can’t blame them, have walked away from me. Yet at the back of my mind I am thinking “If they had Cancer, would people walk away from them?” Because that is how it feels today. No hate 😀 The illness and medication actually has put me in a great place today as all the wrongs from yesterday make us happy today, if this is so then all the hurt was worth it and we should move on, I am, are you? I am trying my best to reach these few Family members I want in my life again and I will keep trying till we can all smile together again, sadly as you know if you read my blog, dysfunction, anger and hatred are stubborn words with human effects. Today all I can say to anyone I chased away is “Sorry” But please know I was and still am very ill and was very medicated, big deal! I just hate what moments have done to my family, people think they are oh so perfect, yet if you point me to a perfect person I point back and say ‘Liar’hqdefaultI don’t want sympathy, I just want a few members of family back, understanding, let it be said once then move on and live and have fun is my idea here. I was a bad lad when I was in my early 20’s, people I have not seen for 20 years still think I am that guy, so the different between me being a young criminal to an ill person highly medicated is the same, MUD STICKS and people who don’t see the human side to our suffering walk away, gossip and talk behind you. All I ask is if you can, pick up the phone or get out my life, a life I am smiling through these days with the help of my 2 wee girls who are 5 and 6 years old, 2 little barrels of joy that are helping me step back to MY reality and my choosing of whom is in my life, they have no idea how much they help me my kids, one day when I am an old man I might tell them. For Brothers and Sisters, to parents and uncles, cousins and all in-between, talk or walk, I lose no energy over hate. I say at the foot of most blogs “More love, less hate” And I do mean it. Often these days I am wondering if the illness has did this or has the World changed so much? I asked the question in the blog below.

I did this blog a week ago today: Today’s Disfunctional Family Unit <Click)

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The Hallucinations I was having over the last few months were fairly bad, looking up from your bed in agony as your body demands the poison and Blog 1seeing your sadly passed away Gran in-front of you is not pleasant let me assure you, am I red faced because of the things I said? Yes, do I lose sleep? No because I was not in control. I know many people with the same issues as me, and we always have fun and laugh, we NEVER talk about life in a bad way. I was told this morning, not in a bad way, but gently that I sent emails or texts a few years back to half my family, I have no idea I did this, I have no recollection of this event. I guess today with a clear mind and better moments and better today’s I am maybe, not angry at some people, I can’t find the right word for it. But I go back to what I said above “Would we walk away from a family member or friend with Cancer” Who were struggling? Hell no, sadly through life’s process’s my illness made me do things I had no idea I was doing. To say I am 100% clear would be a lie because I had a misunderstanding with a guy I love to bits last week, I was in bed screaming trying to hide life from my two little princess’s and it was a BAD MOMENT a moment I learnt that when I am in, I turn off the internet and hide my tablet and phone. We spoke and love was said. Down the right hand side of my blog is “Deliberate Donkey” <Click) I am the kid in the boat, I wrote that medicated but with the full knowledge of certain people I did ask before I wrote it, 1 person forgot, but it’s ok, events break us and events make us. An old wise guy I know and spoke to earlier today says to me a lot “I cry for Humanity” For many years I didn’t give it thought, as I grow old and because 80% of my blogs are about our World I understand the wise man’s words today. I learn every day, but if people don’t want me in their life then who loses? I have all I need right here, I am happy now in my Bubble. When we place ourselves in a private bubble, turn to love <Click) I actually wrote about this blog on March 13th 2013CHc0mFvWsAE5V5R

My partner reminds me of this

My partner reminds me of this “People listen to you Shaun” She tells me

See, because I write in moments like this about life I can go back and re-read how I was in other moments like here and know I am either recovering or regressing, either way what I have is for life but in a non-morbid way of thinking, we are all dying slowly right? Sadly Millions die slower, often over a lifetime, for these people I must share this, if you are not ill and don’t get this blog, please don’t reply and simply choose to walk away from it, we have choice in this life, I choose to be as open as I can with my life on here, in reality I share 10% of my life to the World, it just seems more. I am aware I did bad things and I am aware some bad things I did can never be forgotten so all I can do is try and make up for them. My partner reminds me always “Shaun, you were winning once and you can win again” She is my rock, my logic, my thoughts, my best friend and lover and she shows me things to prove her point so I wills share my partners meaning with you so you understand how gentle she is with me when I am not in a good way

I WON BEFORE! I am bottom left, my 2nd in commands hand on my shoulder

I WON BEFORE! I am bottom left, my 2nd in commands hand on my shoulder

Dr Alastair Dobbin: Dr Sheila Ross, PhD

Dr Alastair Dobbin: Dr Sheila Ross, PhD

This here I am writing 1st for myself also so I can let my Dr and ill friends or people who are on the ground read it, my old Dr gets useful information from it as it’s his job as a pain specialist to help others. We used to go to the big conference rooms in the Astley Ainslie Hospital with Dr Alastair Dobbin in Edinburgh and I would do Question and Answer sessions about how my pain came, how it destroyed me then made me again to 100 to 300 people at a time, this is his site and I am on it in Video if you look The Foundation for positive mental health

life-quoteThis is brilliant information for people who recently have been told they may die or will spend the rest of their lives in pain. What I have will kill me if I let it so it’s all about being honest with myself, writing freely and not caring who I offend or who is upset over internet font. The internet did 2 things to this World in my eyes, first it brought the World together in a great way, I speak to people from the USA to Australia and all in-between, the downside to technology like this is people read things wrong and the meaning is lost and hate happens, when in-fact all people can do is pick up a phone and ask “What did that mean?” But some still sit all angry and sad about things we write and share. This is my 2,570th blog today on ShaunyNews, I have done less than 100 blogs on this very subject. Often it seems to me I do it more, so I have to keep in mind I may have hurt people I love. But I ask again “Would we walk away from a family member we love who had Cancer?” Because it’s the same damn thing, it’s just different. People say “I don’t believe him/her” or “He/she is making it up” even “He/she is feeling sorry for himself” Well that is a fair comment against all of us who are an invisible disability, but stop for a second and ask why they say this. Yeah, we turn the coin around and we understand hate more. I am an expressive lad, tons of my family and friends love me for it but a FEW don’t. When I say a few, it may be more, but the FEW are the ones I would love to get a phone call from. AGAIN, NOBODY WAS HARMED, HURT, KILLED OR EVEN OFFENDED BY ANY OF THIS. People today are so selfish and wrapped up in their own pathetic lives they forget and in the end we see people sit at funerals crying tears of regret or “I should have said more” or “I could have helped more” In the end I call these tears guilt. If you read hatred from me today whilst reading you are the hatred, you are hate not me. I lost the ability to hate when life gave me things to love, when life made me understand the difference between a fool and a good person. I am 42 years old and I honestly feel like I was 18 years old yesterday and I woke up and am now an older guy 😀 It’s a very strange thing, I talked it with my Dr the other day and the Dr simply said “With the medication you were on, you had no control” This gave me a smile and a reason to try and re-connect to life, family and friends. But do be sure like you, I make decisions on who is in my life, as always it’s a 2 way street and today’s hating World makes it harder for us to understand each other, especially when we only read each other on Social Media I now call home instead of listening to a voice. An older relative and I found this out together only last week. I am reconnecting slowly with family and friends and soon I will have a surprise for myself, if others are surprised then so be it, for me, what is to come, I CAN’T WAIT!! x

Like you, I am just trying to live and fighting to live

Like you, I am just trying to live and fighting to live

More love, less hate

This is my blog banner, look down the right hand side of this blog, all blogs. Am I a hater?

This is my blog banner, look down the right hand side of this blog, all blogs. Am I a hater?

Shauny 

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Coming off the heavy medication -Progress report – For me and you

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I write these mainly for other people like me and so I can look back in a few months and see the progress. I have already done a few ‘Coming off Medication’ blogs. I just read over them and it is good to see I have made more progress since. It is nearing 5am, I slept for 36 hours straight over the weekend, woke on Sunday tea time, everyone had went to the botanic gardens, so I woke confused with my last memory me picking Dawn and the girls up from my Son’s house. Lately I have had to almost become a recluse to my own life. I am on purpose trying not to be around too many people, so if you read this and wonder why you are not seeing much off me, know it’s all good but I don’t want to be with people at this stage of my progression to normality, whatever that is right 😀 Really define what a normal life is and I will show a lie. There is no ‘Right way to live’ There is only our way, this is what I am feeling as very slowly I come off the Morphine 1st and 12 tablets a day as I am just now. I was on 20mg of Morphine 4 x a day = 80mg, almost a full bottle a day to now 4ml A DAY! Every 2nd day, once I have 5ml with 6 tablets and not 12 as I was before, the side effects are awful, it makes you go to a strange place but slowly I am starting to feel more alive, having more fun. I ask the people I love to know I think of them and to please give me time to come back, to fight this. I can’t fight you while I fight this, but when my fight is even with myself, I help you fight your fight, always I am behind you, know this x

Fighting this is hard

Fighting this is hard

Don’t get me wrong there is not 1 day since I wanted to come off Morphine and reduce tablet in-take where I have not been in utter agony but it’s strange, I now know why I am in pain, where the pain comes from and what I am doing just now is giving myself a fighting chance. I stopped smoking, I stopped drinking fizzy juice, I am eating better and have lost a few pounds, so this gives me a fighting chance, soon I will be doing less of the bad stuff and more that helps me. The hardest part is not seeing people. Really it kills me, but I know when I am ready to meet certain people again I am lucid and in control of the conversation. Will be strange, a normal 42 year old Shaun, LOL. In reality that is the deal here, I am stepping back into life, football and will be ready to take the world on again, I can’t wait for that day to come. But for now I must stick to the deal with my Dr and Dawn and get through this, these are the hardest times I guess, my body is screaming for more medication, the temptation to take them is high so the battle not to take is a battle I am winning, and winning well.

Setting goals is very important

Setting goals is very important

For now, I hope everyone is ok, if you read this and are family know I love you, and please be ready to accept a fool of a man back into your life that will make you laugh as I once did before. It’s been a very hard 10 years or so for Dawn and I but the last 3 months our friendship then love have kept us good and well. I can’t thank the woman enough, but I need not thank her, when you make a promise in love it’s to ‘Love that person in sickness and in health’ It would have been easy for 1 of us to walk but no! We had two little girls and they saved us. Looking back now more aware and awake I see it more and I smile. I have people around me who get me, help me and understand me and as my own self comes back the odd day here and there when I am too much. People in shops when I am being goofy ask Dawn “How do you live with him” Because I am making the whole shop laugh…..

Getting a REAL sense of humor back is fun

Getting a REAL sense of humor back is fun

…..Now that is a Shaun Dawn likes and I like too, and most important my 2 wee princess will see at an age when it’s all they will remember. They won’t remember the days I was screaming in bed or sitting crying because the pain was killing me. The battle is half won here, I will ease past the rest and it will be hell to the end, but I will do it with ease and people who want to see me better will see that. Again it’s more important my Partner, 2 sons and 2 daughters and my inner circle see a difference. I want to be closer with some and decided I didn’t want to be with others, all of it has been choice since day one. So, the fight carries on and soon the lights will be back on 😀 I can’t wait

It could be said..But who loses sleep? :D

It could be said..But who loses sleep? 😀

On my pain page, I update from time to time: Living with M.E.

January 2nd 2015 THE HUMAN MIND, FEELINGS, EMOTIONS AND CHRONIC PAIN ‘IF YOU HAVE THAT’

January 22nd 2015 Coming Off My Fibromyalgia Medication, enough is enough – Time to be braver

February 17th 2015 Will Blog, Won’t Blog, Will Blog, Won’t Blog – This poison needs out my system

July 7th 2015  #Decisions – Letter to ‘All Addicts’ – Drugs/Drink/Gambling & more

July 14th 12 week progress report – Me coming off Prescribed Drugs – The Battle

Winning the battle......

Winning the battle……

More love, less hate

Shauny 

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12 week progress report – Me coming off Prescribed Drugs – The Battle

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My Page I pay for. My right to say the words I do. I aim to offend nobody nor tell people how to live

So week 12 for me, coming off prescribed drugs. I have my mind 100% these days but the pain is just a new level. The pain is sharper on me. The pain of M.E is not come and go pain, its 24/7 and very hard to ignore. I have this “Help Group for Chronic Illness’s” <Click) This group is a small group with just a few hundred people on it, but people who just ‘Help’ We all have a story, mine is no worse nor better than your pain, whoever you are reading this, pain is pain in all and any source of pain and its meaning.

Right now I am seeing sleep being the biggest visible impact on my day to day living. It was bad before when I had just #Fibro but now pain and coming off its poison of help that actually doesn’t help. Now there are ill people out there who just 100% need to take their prescription, my God don’t listen to me, always, and this is for anyone, see a Dr! With my kind of pain there is no tablet, well there is if you choose to live like a legal junkie and being ‘Judged 😀 By ‘People. See people do this. I am also people here, we just judge like we have a bigger moral compass than others. Facts are we are all the same; we have all done bad things and been in bad places, today we are awake to read my nonsense, so that’s a good start right?

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For me it’s not about “OK I DID BAD THINGS OR ENDED UP IN A BAD PLACE”… Now I never actually blame myself for today, I had no say it its handling, I was taking for the pain, and I had choice when my body screamed, I would rather make it about living, just living same as you and how I can stand back up every day life pushes me over, I am pushing back, so it’s not what we were it’s who we will become.

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Today I have choice and I choose to be the Shaun a younger Dawn met all these years ago, the son a Mum can know to the brother a sibling can smile with to friends where we both lost each other. But more important a father to 4, and more so for my 2 little princess’s. They are amazing fun. Because my body and mind are trapped, mind not so trapped now, these two little girls make me laugh so hard and they help and don’t know it 😀 They are a GOD SEND. These things just happen when needed? To just be here when I as a person need to smile through pain, so this older Shaun I am now trying to be, more just being is good fun, Dawn and my kids help so much, so new Shaun is changing but wiser, more grown up but never losing my sense of humour, it’s good to be happy you know. lol

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So that was it. For my partner my kids and others who I love, this is just me saying “Hey, this is where I am at and all is good” Even to others I know online or through all the Social media outlets, I reach a few thousand people every time I hit publish, maybe more. Check the top right! 1.3 Million People have joined me on an AMAZING journey just on this page in a year, it’s amazing. Every blog I did to this one I share in 16 places so its brilliant fun when I hurt to be able to write this, takes me 4 x longer than one of my Daughters in amount of words to do 😀 We pay for the internet so we should enjoy it right? 😀 I am not online as much today as many of you have said, I know, but for now I can only do what I can do. I stopped smoking also. Add no medication and no nicotine into the equation and it’s really hard.

I have this image on my wall, every day it tells me to get my sorry arse UP. And it's working

I have this image framed on my wall, every day it tells me to get my sorry arse UP.

So as I read back on blogs from a year ago, 6 months ago, last month and last week I see change. Looking back a year I was in such a bad way. Sad to read what I read to be fair, I do feel embarrassed but I had no control over my mind, so I am reading someone or something else when I read back the way.

ioizd0I will look back at this blog in months to come and with luck and effort I can still see a guy struggling to move forward. Today my mind is so open it’s untrue, I am cheering up, making Dawn laugh for sure and the girls are just too much sometimes. The questions they ask are brilliant. I could sit and debate a 5 or 6 year old kid for hours, the questions are like “Where does this come from” So the answering the question is the fun part when I hear “Daddy, know how…” or whatever is just superb fun. Being a parent is a not just being a parent it’s about being a friend. The list to the < left I just love. It is this and more these 2 wee girls need and helping them, while they help me is the best fun I have had in years, and each day my mind opens they do notice, but they don’t ask why. This is why I love their company 😀 I have adult friends and most adults I know I can put up with, then we ALL have family or friends we be like “OH GOD HERE WE GO” When we meet up, yeah I got that Family and friends also, I am no different to you 😀 Anyway I am bored now, I need to write some football and this is depressing me. So Shaun 1-0 Life is the score today. I will fight with all I have to keep the score that way. But I am in a battle for my life, this is not lost on either my partner and I. This is a fight for many things, I am lucky to have the support but thankful I can be that support back.

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Life is just amazing fun, any day could be our last, so with no morbid thoughts in our mind just smile. Just have a laugh and have fun. When the bad comes we fight it. In the end life wins always right? So why do we fight it now? 😀 Life is so very, very simple and fun. I hope I helped 1 person to get there with all this, and I am guessing deep down a few maybe.  But I can only help because I have been helped before and still. Life is a 2 way street. Don’t become anger and sad. Become fun and laughter. We lose in the end right? So today we surround ourselves with whom we love and can laugh with. In the end, the truth is we all have one shot at this life. I choose life. Your choice will be your choice, I won’t judge you, so don’t you dare judge me. #RespectOurWorld And respect each other. 

UB40 Kingston Town 

Shaun 🙂

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Will Blog, Won’t Blog, Will Blog, Won’t Blog – This poison needs out my system

imagesHey y’all! First blog in a few days, woke up with the Flu on Sunday, boy did I sweat it out in a man puddle in bed all day Monday 😀 To boot I am coming off my medications so to say Icec4d5b4339d1e10ec9fa214383cc6f4 am hurting would be like saying “Yes, yes I do breath” If one knows what a ‘Gnat’s Chuff’ is, well mine has just been booted to feck. I need medication now but I refuse, it’s it always the same when we try and stop any addiction, drink, smoking, sex (Yes it can be) street drugs, coffee pretty much any of the usual suspects.

I can be my worst own enemy at times, yes I have a few hundred people on-line I have known for many years but I have a have a habit where I unfriend people. Much of the time it is my own stupidity but often it can be the other way or both ways. The poison of (You can click these links) Morphine, Dihydrocodeine, Tramadol, Diazepam, I don’t understand people who take this, buy it for a hit, what the FECK is wrong with people? and another 10 drugs to counter the poison has killed my body and mind in more ways that I think I can even explain, and for well over 10 years, I struggle to think of anyone online who knows me drug free. Also a family member, and I remind them every day (I am half joking) of something. Many years ago, say 10 years ago I dared to utter the word ‘Anonymous’ only to get a reply back in-front of all my family in social media “Oh Shaun is on his medication again” Feck that shit, no more mediation, no more fake, just saying 😉 it takes 2

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Time and time again I stop writing, start writing, close a blog, re-open a blog, close twitter, close face book and more and as I sit here looking for the correct words to use I am struggling to find the words to describe how much of a fud I am. Many of my friends tell me ‘Don’t be stupid Shaun, you are disabled’ and on enough medication to make a Giraffe have a nice 2 day sleep. I love my mates who mock me, knowing it is just fun,Truth of the matter is and I know I bore myself with this is, I bore myself with this $hit

fake-friendsI am a month in with less Dr’s poison, where I would have and did take for over 10 years took 15 tablets at a time as well as Morphine. As my partner said to me this morning, and she laughed while she said it “You are being a bit harsh on yourself” See my partner is the only person on Earth who has seen the real change this crap Dr’s throw down our throats with no thought of the long term issues it does to the mind and more so the body.

I am hoping by Summertime this year I can free myself from this Poison that speaks for me, acts for me, lives for me and takes me away to God only knows where. It is no existence to have, again my partner will disagree. Maybe she is right, the potency of this medication I am now feeling, I shake and rattle like a baby’s pram toy each morning just now, I managed to take my Daughters out myself last weekend, yes, just me and my princess’s while my partner did some shopping then took in a football match with my son

Australia has more Fibro sufferers than anywhere on Earth, I got this years ago from UK NHS
Understanding Pain: What to do about it in less than five minutes?
Via: Live Active on You Tube

Maybe one day soon I will awake and just feck off and go live again. Maybe I can go take the 300 mile trip north, train’s planes and automobiles literally to see my Dad. Maybe I will bring family back close again, maybe I will stop caring as much as I do. I say all the time and it is true, when you are ill, really ill you do find something in yourself, you lose almost the lot but you gain something, very hard to explain. Has anyone ever noticed, and this is a hard one to explain, the love in a person who is dying? You find a peace within yourself when you know your life will never be the same  I don’t want to nor do I need to go full circle and back to crime. I had one special friend from Ohio who came over to live with us once, when the pain came, when the Medication started to take effect she stopped talking to me. So in real life and on any platform of life you want to debate, people can be real cruel.

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One thing I do know is I will die trying to get my body free from this shit, I don’t think ANY of my family outside my house get it, they think I want sympathy, in reality how about a “I am here if you need anything” or ‘I love you’? People can be cruel, but through it all since the turn of the millennium I have stayed as true to myself as I possibly could. I am very close to kicking this crap,  I won’t stop now, even though I know it will leave me in more pain that I have ever been in, but I am in pain anyway, so I am trying to define login in what I am doing, I guess I am doing the right thing. If you fell out with me, I offer an olive branch, if you are too stuck up to take it, then feck you, to all the people who stayed by my side on any platform, I appreciate that

I will never forgive

I will never forget

More love, less hate

Shaun

~~~~~

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Audio Blog – Coming Off Medication – Our World, Learning to live

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Over the last few weeks I have slowly came off some medication, I have a long way to go. I know people can be lazy (I am) to read so I thought I would do it as an Audio Blog. This is from Sound cloud. Many things are happening to my mind, I see, hear, speak, think clearer. Below is 10 minutes of me talking. If you are disabled, please listen, it may help. I hope you listen, so much is making sense to me right now. I will let you listen. I had to speak low as people were still asleep in my house.

 

im fine

 

More love, less hate

Shauny