Dying Inside

After doing this blog here “Suicide is not always a ‘One-off-Act’ – It’s a living thought for People “ I got a few ‘Gossips’ from people who ‘should know better’, but also nothing from people I expect to be at our side, our being ‘Me and mine’ – When someone lives with Suicidal thoughts and a whole host of other issues like M.E. (Myalgic Mencephalomyelitis) + Fibromyalgia + PTSD and Psychosis, like I do, they want to die, I want to die, but I have reasons to live more important than myself, but I would love HELP to take the burden away from loved ones who watch me suffer, we don’t want sympathy or ‘What a shame’ and I hate this I get a lot ‘I feel sorry for you Shaun, you been through too much for someone so young”, yeah that tires your soul out that one. Sadly people I know say things like “That stupid fucking blog that Shaun does” But that’s it, they DON’T HELP THE PEOPLE AROUND ME WHO SUFFER BECAUSE OF MY ILLNESS. This is not about me. Think who hurts when one is watching another die, slowly or fast, it makes no fucking difference. This World is horrible, I am suicidal, but I will MAN UP as people say about me. But it is fucking hard to take the next step, the next breath. 5am, been up for a day and a half, pain is like death, my mind is scrambled and tied to the moon. Yet people who claim to ‘Love me’ are reading SOMETHING ELSE HERE, or wishing they had a voice? #NEWSFLASH, you do have a voice. Use it or shut the fuck up. I am aware there are people FAR WORSE than myself, but this is hard, every moment is ‘How can I kill myself’, but here I am, for now anyway. Regret is ONLY regret AFTER the event ❤ Peace


♫ Dying Inside ♫
Via Shaun Gibson on You Tube







Shaun Gibson Twitter: @ShaunyScot
Skype Username: shaunyg1973
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The Number 23 – A Movie made me see life – Understand more, you?


I am not blogging about a movie here

Forget this AMAZING movie for one second, well lets not, lets imply it to my thinking 1st. The movie is about a man who did or lose something, a something so evil, he hid it from himself. He just made his mind forget and started to live and smile and be happy. Then one day the truth started to unfold so badly the man in the movie was lost again, as he was before. This got me thinking about myself, and please give me sympathy and I will hunt you and kill you 😀 Seriously, none of that stuff. But! Going back to how I felt after I watched this movie 23 made me understand that for the last 7+ years I was in utter denial over issues that happened in my life, I pretended to forget, I never actually forgot, I just pretended to

Why do some have this insight others don't?

Why do some have this insight others don’t?

My Childhood I was a regular lad, loving parents and we had happy times, sadly there were bad times and I forgot to forget them I guess. Today as I write this my mind is my own and my body is slowly catching up as I beat myself to death every day in my boxing Gym, pushing my body to a stage of a pain I have no word for, leaving myself screaming in agony and crying like a little girl. But please understand I have woken up for the first time in my life. I always have said music and movies I love. Music is the only thing that connects us in the sense we all love some form of music we all have a song or a set of songs, just stop and think of your song, yeah, you get it,. Where as movies are a different art altogether, but to define it as art to begin with we must define art. Art is expression of the soul, it’s a thing people do for many reasons. Just because it’s relevant let me tell you about ‘Artists, something that will make sense more, but it begs the question, why do we lose our minds? We see it every day with famous people and people we know and love, I was almost there, I am talking through experience here 😀 I shouldn’t smile because it was real and Millions of people live with a bad mind and never come back, what makes some go mad and others able to pull back from brink, it seems It’s only on the brink that people find the will to change. Only at the precipice do we evolve our minds, but not always for the better

Strange minds come in all walks of life

Strange minds come in all walks of life

Ferris Bueller Actor Matthew Broderick was driving in Ireland when he was involved in a car crash. One person in the other vehicle died. Oscar Pistorius killed his girlfriend, Snoop Dogg was charged in connection with the death of Philip Woldemariam, a gang member who was shot dead by Snoop’s bodyguard. OJ Simpson we know and really I could go on and on. Hitler was a painter before he wanted to kill, Pol pot was a painter and killed millions, again I could go on and on and on. The point I am making is the most amazing/crazy minds can also kill and the line between Brilliant and Crazy is so small it’s almost invisible. If people mean it or not they find a way always a way is found, and if they can move on with life after the event all the better but not always. I am as we speak putting myself into that cast of people, why you ask? Well I lost badly, I lost so badly I sit here just realising I did lose badly. And now I play that dreaded disabled card on you

The Courtyard of the Old Residency in Munich, Adolf Hitler, 1914

The Courtyard of the Old Residency in Munich, Adolf Hitler, 1914

I was 24 or so when the pain came, I was a Baker, football player just stopped and starting to help with my two sons football, I partied and I had a very active live. Then the Government in their wisdom signed me off work for LIFE with what I had at the time A SORE KNEE! Yeah, the Government who decide who lives and dies today signed me off from Work aged 24, today I am that signed off person, but I am asking if they put me there through being lazy, because of that one Dr working for the Government I am not disabled with M.E, Fibromyalgia and C.P.S with no cure or relief . I stopped working, and I got my head into football, I was OBSESSED by it, so obsessed I became a qualified in Scotland and Europe Football Manager, I never managed higher than 4,000 fans at a time and never got past Senior Adult level when I stopped 8+ years ago due to the pain, Football gave me a voice, I led, never did I lead with ego, I led as in team, I led from the front as part of 4 teams and won 19 trophies in 15 seasons as coach and manager. Also I was a DJ for a while in a club my family are involved in, then IT ALL STOPPED

I know, I know!! Shared already, BUT I WAS WINNING AT LIFE!

I know, I know!! Shared already, BUT I WAS WINNING AT LIFE!

Here I am in 2016 and I am waking up, because I don’t have a voice any more I guess that is why I blog, it must be that because I really dislike Social Media and Blogging 😀 Stupid and ridiculous or what? My mind is now my own, the pain is getting so bad I just have to own and accept as well as allow the pain now, I have to make it my own and just step forward. My mind is in a better place but I am still a long way away from full awakening. Remember I wrote this? Way back in November 20th 2014 I discovered something but didn’t know what at the time with Finding Nirvana, Reading a 2014 blog over again just now is showing me that was the day I knew I had to change my ways or started to know it, and strange as it is, Nirvana is a state of mind in BLISS, I am not far away, in agony you ask? You just have to put your mind in a good place, that or die, that is my or was my deal and something I know many are suffering all over the World. I won’t ever be better, the pain will only get worse, the medication I hope will be totally gone. Waking up with a free mind is something, and it’s ALL RIGHT HERE! Seriously I could take all these blogs and write a book about a 24 year old guy who lost everything but gained so much he forgot to stop and know it. I have two sons around early 20’s, two little girls around 5 years old and my Partner. I also have my Mum and other family who I am connecting back with these days. Life is good when it should be hell, confused yet?

The Number 23 Official Traile
Via New Line Cinema on You Tube

So that was the movie that made me blog this. To anyone living in denial or pain, anything like this, please know you can own your mind one day. I will admit it, for a few years I was gone because of the Dr’s Heroin prescriptions and also the pain, it took my mind without asking, it made me into something I wasn’t, it confused me and I thank God my partner loved me so much she hung around, it made me paranoid and it made me close up and place myself in a bubble, hell I even wrote about that in 2013!! 3 years ago tomorrow I wrote this When we place ourselves in a private bubble, turn to love, WOW!! 1 DAY AWAY FROM 3 YEARS!! Nah I am joking, well I am not, it’s true, the Movie 23 if you have not seen it is about that kind of thinking in numbers, what I just said about 3 years is funny, if you have not seen this movie you won’t get it 😀 Anyway, nearly 7AM, I best go and find something to do. But I will leave you with one song, just one song that is and has helped me through, 1 song from hundreds I guess. When people sit and make songs millions, 10’s of millions of people like them, so is that an art form? Am I any different to any artist? Are any of us? PS: You must watch the number 23, it is a masterpiece with a truth to it so unreal. Seriously, research 23 <Click) it might just make you go mad, 23 is one of the most commonly cited prime numbers, or is there more? 😉

Dying Inside – Gary Barlow in concert
Via Ivy Neeson on You Tube



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Chronic Pain Syndrome, Sleeping Patterns, Pain, God and much more!


Anyone with Chronic Pain Syndrome should be able to understand here. Sleeping patterns, they are awful and just when you think you have found a routine to sleep, like a normal person, along comes the pain and leaves you in agony and unable to sleep

I go through this every week, for months, for years now, I am past making it annoy me I guess I have accepted it, but it still depresses me. I have not been told I am clinically depressed, some people just get depressed once in a while, happens to the best of us yeah?

I personally seem to go through a pattern of 4 days. An example of this week below

Sunday – Good sign, I was asleep just before midnight and up before 09:00 am!

Monday – Sleeping for 23:00 and awake at 07:30 with the kids = Superb

Tuesday – Fell asleep at 22:00 and was up and showered for 07:30 am all told

Wednesday – Fell asleep at 22:00 again, and was up with my Daughters at 08:00 am

Thursday – Tonight…………NOTHING

Friday – As I type it is 04:05 and I am in agony, tonight it is my left hip, it feels locked, it feels like I have a fracture or a break, I just can’t move it. So 1 Diazepam, 1 Dihydrocodeine and 1 Tramadol later and lashings of Voltaren Gel and the pain has reduced a whopping 10% or so

See this is just one of 100 things about Chronic Pain. The pain is the main show in town, but all these small side effects, issues due to pain and medication, or lack of medication, or too much medication, having to take more medication because of the medication you are on, sleep, making plans, going out for a meal for example is near on impossible for me, visiting family and friends, going to the shops, going to the bathroom, showering or bathing to getting dressed and all in-between are a REAL issue

So not only are you in pain, you are miserable due to all the things that come with this invisible disability people discriminate against every day, WHY? You ask. Well if you are not in a wheelchair coming out of your car in a disabled parking bay you are a cheat and lair to people watching on, yeah these sad people who are perfect and have a perfect life. I am joking of course, these people are so sad and miserable they go about pointing others issues out to distract from their own problems. Why is this relevant you ask, well it is because it is all part of the issue. Pain is the tip of a very big iceberg afloat at Sea for people with Chronic Pain, and tiny problems become monster problems

I would not wish this crap on my worst enemy, if I had an enemy. I don’t keep enemies, they can keep me, you are on your own, so I would not wish this on a Dog or a Cat or any other Animal. It is truly the most difficult way to live, especially when 99% of us had a pain free childhood, and knew a life where there was no pain, we could do anything, like anybody, but  the pain comes and it  is like all over body toothache. This is the best way I can describe this pain, all over body toothache feeling

It could be worse, and I know it could be, but right this second, I am done, I had a slight argument with an Admin on a cracking Social Media site tonight, and I think perhaps this played a part. As many with Chronic Pain will testify, a STUPID debate or one wrong word can set you off into the land of stress, sadly for us, Stress = more pain, then worrying about the pain leads to more pain, this in-turn leads to a depression type feeling, yeah, you got it, leading to more pain and due to one medication I have the memory of the stupidest goldfish in the class 🙂

I am on the path looking for God at the moment, and sadly times like this I ask “Why God” and I hear people say “God works in mysterious ways” or “It is Gods way of helping you become a better person” And if the truth be told, living like this gives you a sense of caring. But God, if you are listening. I care, I have learnt my lesson, I am done, can you please stop? Can you realise that I am not happy to learn this? I am not happy with this Mystery God.  I respect your ways God, I do, but not this way I don’t! 14 years of pain getting worse as I approach age 40. I have had enough God. No saying or religious meaning at this second will help me understand why you put me in all this pain. I am not a Buddhist that I know off. So please God, whatever your plan is for me, can I ask you re-think the plan? Because this is HELL to me. I talk to you, reach to you, I have done for many years, but the pain still comes. If you are trying to build my character, God I have character. Please, enough! I beg. Let me live with less pain so I can be a regular Husband and Father and go back to having some sort of life.

I don’t ask for much. In-fact I  don’t pray for much, this is a sick joke now, but that is the pain talking. I just want to be regular and normal and sleep like the rest of the inhabitants in the GMT -/+0 Time Zone. As things stand I am Australian one week, and from the West Coast of the USA the next with a hint of GMT time thrown in for good measure 😦

Please God

I am deeply sorry for anyone who suffer as I do, it blows


Others pain Vs My Pain

imagesI suffer pain 24/7 like MANY on here, and it is not nice. People who don’t suffer pain, you can describe the pain to them, and the best I can is “All over toothache” in my body

In a world where brain diseases or illness’s are on the up, and chronic pains and cancer rates sour, we must ask the question, what is causing this?

I read an article in the mid 1990’s stating that Mobile Phone use would heat up the blood between our skulls’s and brain causing many to have brain illness and pain etc. We all know what kinds of illness I am meaning, I have lost two friends to brain illness.

I have lost too many to count to Cancer and know many who suffer some sort of pain. Breathing illness’s are on the up also, my own Mother suffers from one. My Aunt is dying from a breathing condition also.

I lost a dear friend last week to Cancer and the Funeral is on Friday in Falkirk in Scotland. I am not looking forward to it, as we don’t ever look forward to funerals. This is my best friend’s wife; I got on with her, now she is gone. My Uncle died of Cancer late last year also.

So all the above has happened, and much more in the last few years, and here I am blogging about bad pain

Am I wrong? It affects my life, my partner’s life, my two son’s lives and the makeup of my house has changed due to my disability, all the adoptions in the house are there on show, the main room, the main bathroom and my room, I sleep in a Hospital bed, when I sleep

The point of this blog is, with people dying or suffering worse than I do, I often get guilty about posting about my pain, my story, how it affect me. I get real guilt when I read that someone is dying or has died.

I would like to hear people’s HONEST thoughts on how I feel about my guilt. Please! Should I just shut up and get on with it, as people really are worse than me in many cases. Do I keep sharing or leave it be and help others?

This is something I have been wanted to blog for many, MANY a day. I hope people read this correct and understand where my guilt comes from. People are dying, I am not

Shaun x