Please Do Not Forget Me…………

SO not the best of headlines, but YES it was click-bait 😀 Just watched a 3 part TV show on channel 5 called ‘Celebs In Solitary‘ – Really got me thinking about ‘Solitude’ and how I have basically been in solitary myself, against my own will now for the best part of 15 years. NO SYMPATHY OR I WILL SHOOT YOU ALL 🙂 None of that. Was an amazing 3 Part TV show you can get on 5 Catch-up here in the UK. 4 People went in, London-born rapper Professor Green, World’s Strongest Man Eddie Hall, comedian Shazia Mirza and TV presenter Anthea Turner, all went in for 5 days, amazing programme on the Human mind if you care to watch it. For me it made me ask “COULD I DO THIS” The obvious answer from a medical point of view is ‘NO’ But from a psychological point of view, I think I could.

This show I could identify with easily. Stuck in a small place with only your mind to think. I live in agony. so what, my mind is always in some state of pretend in terms of funny, depressed and everything in-between. I am a STRONG LAD, I know my strengths and weaknesses for sure, do you? I know my limits, I know where I can and can’t be. Example I couldn’t sit in a room with 20 strangers, but I could sit on a stage and talk to 10,000 people, EASY!! And I could sing to 20,000 people EASY. I often sit in a Dr’s office and other ‘Social places’ and just don’t look up, head in my phone ‘JUST INCASE’ someone triggers me. I am not a safe person to be around when triggered, so I don’t be social, IT’S THAT SIMPLE. With the right people, kids, parents, partner, certain family and friends, NOT A PROBLEM. But stick me in an environment I can’t control and I can lose the plot. I am NOT A SCARED PERSON, but I am NOT sitting here typing ‘I am a hard fighting person either’ –  As I typed above, I know who I am am, where I am, and I have became comfy with it sadly. I say sadly because you DO GET COMFY LOCKED UP. I love being around my Kids, it’s a HAPPY PLACE. My Grand-kids too when I can. Give me a comfy zone and I can relax, my mind has learnt to just be myself. To give you an example of the Danger I can be, I could give you 100 different stories. Recently my partner and two Daughters 9 and 8 years old went to a local store to pick up furniture from a shop, the person at the till working said something, I drifted from smiling to EVIL LOOK….Then my 9 year old Daughter stood in-front of me, pulled my coat, I looked down, she was smiling saying ‘You ok Daddy’ – In a heartbeat I realized about 20 other people waiting to be served had noticed my reaction, I looked around, some winked as to say ‘I can understand why you nearly lost it‘ and others looked away. The guy behind the till was serving a woman and child in-front of us, and he was talking to the woman like she was shit on a shoe, so I put my head in and said to this ‘MAN’ “Mate go easy on her yeah” – He then lifted his head and said “Mind your own business” – I LOST IT, I started at him with Death in my eyes, I was ready to talk to him, to react. My Daughter saved me, but our Kids are our reasons, they do save us, they don’t know it, but they do. In reality I spend LOTS of my time in my Man-Cave , door closed and left alone, it’s not healthy, my Dr, psychologists and pain specialists all tell me “GET OUT MORE” – Easier said than done, as I say I know my own boundaries, I can control them in a room whilst alone, am I happy. FUCK YEAH. If like anyone reading this I accept the SHIT PART OF LIFE AS NORMAL, that is a road to nowhere, so remaining positive helps us all, please keep trying, don’t give in, find reason, finds reasons, find something to do. I used to blog 2 or 3 times a day WITH HELP but I stopped because I found singing, music helped me more, and of course my kids and anyone else who I love.

My Man-Cave

To sum up, WE ALL SUFFER, WE ALL HAVE SOMETHING HOLDING US BACK, WE CAN ALL REACH UNHAPPY, WE CAN ALL FIND PAIN…IF WE LOOK. I look and it’s a concept of the Human mind I have no control over, so I control what I can and leave things I can’t, it’s me being honest, 100% totally honest. I found being HONEST is a saving Grace to us all. I was a liar, a cheat, the worst version of me I could be. I was a broken man, today I am still a broken man, but I control the broken parts best I can. Giving up just isn’t IN MY BLOOD. My kids send me songs all the time, this one SAVED ME ONE DAY. I ask nobody for anything these days, I know for loved ones and friends they might be thinking “Does he like me or love me”, the answer is OF COURSE I DO. But I am respecting YOU by respecting my boundaries. Thank you for reading, and please REACH BACK if you are honest enough to feel you need to reach. Here I am just reaching to people who may be stuck in an emotion they can’t control. PLEASE REACH BACK

Shauny x

♫ LYRICS ♫
Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my blood
Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing
I’m overwhelmed and insecure, give me something
I could take to ease my mind slowly
Just have a drink and you’ll feel better
Just take her home and you’ll feel better
Keep telling me that it gets better
Does it ever?
Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
No medicine is strong enough
Someone help me
I’m crawling in my skin
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my blood
It isn’t in my blood
I’m looking through my phone again, feeling anxious
Afraid to be alone again, I hate this
I’m trying to find a way to chill, can’t breathe, oh
Is there somebody who could
Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
No medicine is strong enough
Someone help me
I’m crawling in my skin
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my blood
It isn’t in my blood
I need somebody now
I need somebody now
Someone to help me out
I need somebody now
Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my blood
It isn’t in my blood
It isn’t in my blood
I need somebody now
It isn’t in my blood
I need somebody now
It isn’t in my blood

MORE LOVE, LESS HATE

blogger-for-peace-van-2

BLOGGERS FOR PEACE AND SANITY

THIS DOES NOT REPRESENT ALL DISABLED PEOPLE

THIS DOES NOT REPRESENT ALL DISABLED PEOPLE

Shaun Gibson Twitter: @ShaunyScot
Skype Username: shaunyg1973
Shaun Celtic FC Twitter: @ShaunyCeltic

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THE ABOVE IMAGE NEEDS CHANGED TO THIS – THIS REPRESENTS ‘BETTER’ FOR SOCIETY TO JUDGE

 

My Personal Recovery – We can all recover – Reach out – We are here for you all

This CAN be true for many

So, recovery is the title, and it’s a slight lie. Today, 19th August 2018 I am in a slightly better place than I was when I wrote this for example. Finally in the ‘Mental Health’ System – LONG, HARD, ROAD AHEAD – I SEE HOPE!

My Last blog about this topic from back in April 23rd 2018

That blog above was my last blog about these issues we all suffer from, be it us or other we love or call friends. The last blog I done regarding our shared mental health issues, pain, suffering, depression, whatever is holding us all back is something I used to share every day. I had this belief that ‘Talking out is helping’ – The more I awaken from the mental distress I caused others via taking less Opiate based drugs, the more I see clearly that some of the things I did write over the years all the way back to 2011 were voices I had no control over. For me to sit and read my own words back shows me how awful I was. But like most I am not cured, I am not out of the woods. I think I have came to accept what is wrong with me, but more important, learnt to not throw my issues onto those I love. After all, we ALL have a Recovery story don’t we?

James Arthur – Recovery
Via: James Arthur on You Tube

GOD I MISS THIS!!

Along my journey I have become a soldier of war same as most, fighting for my Partner, my kids and other loved ones. What I see today is a FAMILY OF PEOPLE WHO CARE. Recently I was invited to start doing a Podcast on Football by 2 amazing lads. The Podcast is about Celtic FC and it’s called the Pod Black Brimmer. Spreaker and Itunes by the way 🙂 The UTTER abuse thrown at me from loved ones and friends here in Edinburgh for being part of a Podcast with THAT title is funny to be fair, but I am clever enough to understand, won’t stop me doing the podcast however 😀 I love my Celtic. Those who know me know I don’t hate, I am an Edinburgh lad exposed to the same life we all have been exposed too just in a different place, but to the 2 lads Brian and Davie who gave me a chance to show myself I can sit in my Man-Cave alone and talk Football, I can’t thank them enough. I suffer with 6 Disabilities, Suicidal thoughts, M.E. (Myalgic Mencephalomyelitis) + Fibromyalgia + PTSD + Agoraphobia and Psychosis and yeah IT’S HARD and the medication is harmful, but we must take these tablets and potions to stay level, do I agree with drug consumption to help us? Not really, but I don’t drink Alcohol. I see Alcohol as a legal, socially acceptable way to lose the feelings we feel, so each to their own, I just see Alcohol as a damaging liquid, just an observation through my own journey. I am not a scared person, I am aware these issues make me honest to a level I could be harmful to others, I cannot control these feelings, so I MANAGE my life along with my Amazing partner who I have known since age 14 and been with since age 17, she is my everything, my rock ❤ I don’t do these Podcasts or blogs to be a wee Snowflake or feel all special, no, it’s me sitting in a room alone talking about what I loved to do, and miss still to this day, Football, yeah I miss the Touchline, changing room, the chance to be social and all that comes with working with kids and adults in Football. NOTHING in Football can be done alone, it’s a Team game, no matter what your involvement is, you need others to carry and help you along the way. So I MUST thank Brian and Davie for noticing I was ready, and also everyone who loves me and who I love back x

Before we can even start to recover to a state of existence, first we MUST find reason. For me personally my reasons were easy. My Kids, my beautiful amazing partner, my Mum, Sisters, Brother, nieces and nephews with others and definitely friends. Lads I have known since I was a kid when my Dad used to run businesses and shops all over Edinburgh, all older than me, lol. Most of my Friends are older than me, so rooond you all, it’s great to be the youngest 😀 They all rip me brilliantly, make fun of me, but I do the same to them, IT’S A HEALTHY THING, and if any of you are reading. Do Remember!! One: Clerry Jungle and Two: Yous are Dicks 😀 Joking aside, my reasons were as simple as yours, because I know YOU struggle sometimes too. The game of Life is very simple for me. I say ‘LIFE IS HARD – SO DON’T MAKE IT WORSE FOR YOURSELF’ – Personally I believe if we start there with that saying, it’s a good start, we ain’t making things worse.

Linkin Park – Somewhere I Belong
Via: Linkin Park on You Tube

Sadly like you I suffer. The pain is horrific and my mind has thoughts I have to battle every moment. Managing THIS I can’t do alone. First and foremost my partner has helped me, guided me, taught me and keeps doing so. My 2 sons too help me, 2 amazing lads who are amazing men with loving partners and are Dads themselves with two little kids, a wee boy and a wee girl just waiting on their GAGA to jump into their lives. When the time is right, life will allow it, I pray this is true. The harm and hurt I have caused others is an issue I must get past and find a way to find hope and live. Suicide is a thought, also an act, but first a living breathing thought.

Depression #FuckDepression!!! is a darkness most have, some higher than others, but suffering is suffering. I used to think I had it worse, but I was 32 or something then 😀 Here I am just turned 45 and I have found ‘Comfort in Home’ has been a huge thing for me, the only down side is due to my Disabilities, like you, like anyone, our home can become a comfort zone we don’t want to escape. Recently I restarted singing lessons to start a Chester Bennington Tribute act and it’s on hold for a few months due to circumstances, but I can’t wait to get back to the freedom of Music. Look down the right hand side of this page, songs and images. Music saves us, it unites our souls where we can co-exist on ANY LEVEL. With UTTER RESPECT Politics, Politicians, Religion, Sport and the WORST CULPRIT! Money, that divides us. We do need money, but if all we are doing is chasing Money and the NEED to consume with money, all we are doing is buying moments of happiness. Trust me, I am an expert at this 😀 For now that is it. I am no harm, how can I be with two little Girls who call me Daddy around me? How can I be anything other than my Daughters best friend, because I am, we are pals, we laugh, we cry, we sing. They are my first reason. Two little fun girls who don’t know they saved me, and might never know. Again, and I say this on Facebook a lot, why don’t we listen to our Kids more. Even if you don’t have kids, go and spend time with the blank canvas that a child can be, an innocence so amazing it can only be loving fun.

Some leave clues to sadness and pain, if we look and listen, we can be helped

Often in life our very saving Grace can be right in-front of us. All we need to do is listen, and we can be helped. Not saved or cured, just helped. That is my story, I don’t want notoriety or hits, nor do I need to be liked by anyone, I am loved and liked by people already, but do feel free to become a friend, I find it hard to let people in, but so do you maybe? Trust must be earned. So I am reaching out, if you want to reach back, I am here. Be kind to others, and please remember to include yourself friends, be kind to you too x

Chester Bennington – One More light
Via:

Linkin Park on You Tube

MORE LOVE, LESS HATE

blogger-for-peace-van-2

BLOGGERS FOR PEACE AND SANITY

THIS DOES NOT REPRESENT ALL DISABLED PEOPLE

THIS DOES NOT REPRESENT ALL DISABLED PEOPLE

Shaun Gibson Twitter: @ShaunyScot
Skype Username: shaunyg1973
Shaun Celtic FC Twitter: @ShaunyCeltic

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FUCK BEING DISABLED – FUCK THE REASONS IT PUT ME HERE

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About 17 years ago I was signed off work by the LAWYERS for LIFE with a ‘SORE FUCKING KNEE’ then put on a mixture of medication that made me a fucking paranoid schizophrenic living in pain so bad I wouldn’t feel a kick in the balls from the fucking Hulk due to pain medication that does fuck all. Fuck the pain, fuck the mind games, fuck people, fuck life, and fuck it all. I am fucking tired of a World where people just judge, moan and complain when they have fuck all to complain about. Sitting in a fucking bed listening how bad cunts lives are because someone at work is a prick, fuck the medication, fuck this pain and FUCK THE PROCESS OVER MONEY FORCING MY DR AT THE TIME BEING FORCED TO SIGN ME OFF FOR LIFE DUE TO MONEY HUNGRY FUCKING LAWYERS. Not saying there is a connection but my Dr who was FORCED to sign me off for life thanks to wank lawyers died soon after signing me off work, and to be fair he tried like fuck to not sign me off work as he too knew at the time I only had a fucking sore knee, or “Housemaids fucking knee” as it was called at the time. What I was put through back then, being FORCED to be signed off for work to protect MONEY!! Today makes me want to go kill cunts. Today it isn’t about the Disability, it’s about quality of life, I have fucking none. 24/7 pain, never stops, and yeah boo, fucking hoo me, what a fucking shame!!! Legally “I CAN’T FUCKING TELL THIS STORY” but I fucking want to. It took LIFE, FAMILY, FRIENDS, IT LOOK EVERY-FUCKING-THING. Next time some cunt looks at me like I am making this shit up I swear to fucking Christ I will map the cunts up. I am TIRED, tired of being a pathetic fucking cunt. Chronic Pain, Fibromyalgia, M.E and Psychosis are just a few things I need to suck up, sleeping all the time or awake all the time, always pain is crushing down, and I don’t have a DATE for it to end, it’s hard, very hard. When I want to end my life I have to think about my kids, when I want to hurt people I need to understand life in jail is probably a better deal than I have now, least in jail I could just go for it. The life I have today is because of lawyers protecting fucking money all these years ago.index

6e610a1a5a307f3f8afb792f024e15bbFuck the system that is there to serve ONLY money. Fuck the actual cheats who sit at home all day in happy-town with a free fucking life when they could actually go and fucking work, at least when I was signed off I did volunteer work with kids who needed help till the pain and my mind just took it all away. For me this has fuck all to do with either ‘Ability to work’ nor ‘Money’. It’s about NOT typing shit like this on the fucking internet. Jekyll and Hyde have fuck all on me, 1 minute I am smiling, the next in bed screaming like a wee girl, but I do hide it from life, NEVER do I speak like this to ANYONE, no, just bottle my shit up and smile like the rest of you. I got 2 little girls here and I have to fucking hide my life from them, and don’t talk to me about lonely. Not a dig at anyone I like being around, but pain is just fucking lonely, day after fucking day of bed and Morphine mixed with other meaningless shitty drugs I hate yet need to take, in-fact I need more but fuck it, I need a small part of my mind to keep me alive, I don’t even know if it helps the pain any more. ALWAYS when we are about to open a door to something good does some wanker close it for you. The story of ‘Why’ I was signed off for work for life I can’t tell for ‘Legal Reasons’ but I am >.< that close to getting a lawyer and suing some cunt for half a million pounds. All about money, all about ‘Protecting Interests’ The Government actually do help some people and I like to see people being helped, but what about all the fucking cheaters STILL claiming benefits at the cost of people who actually fucking need it.

wpid-picsart_1440622904154My partner didn’t sign up for this bullshit she has to care for me every waking fucking moment. I need help to eat, wash, shit, piss, I can hardly walk up my own hallway some days, and probably need help to breathe too, I will get back to you on that one. Fuck my Childhood and fuck every grown fucking man who stood back and watched what was happening and I will call every fucking one of them fucking cowards. Everyone fucking bailed and I had to take care of things, I think I was about 18 when that shit happened. Yeah I am fucked off, family only care about their own needs, I remember a World where family actually fucking helped each other, I remember times people cared, when people were not so fucking scared to talk. And this “Don’t be real on the internet bullshit” really fucks me off too. This is my blog, I EVEN NEED FUCKING HELP to do this shit, and it is fucking shit, people think because I have 1.5 Million views I think I am fucking special. Here is a deal, for the next month I will trade lives with any wank-face who thinks their life is hard because they have shit internet or someone said something on-line that upset them, because that is what the fucking World has came to. I try my best to just TRY,  but it’s too fucking hard, I have to restrain myself DAILY from punching strangers in the face, how I stop myself must be magic or some other shit. YEAH I AM FUCKING PISSED OFF….

And I am glad we can type it on the FUCKING STUPID, FULL OF SERIOUS CUNTS internet and not have to sit b0bc5772fab7c84b57f9ba74dc2594a1and speak like this to people. Not that people give a fuck anyway, they are too worried about what shoes to wear the next again fucking day. So why do I blog? Why do I ask my partner to sit (Not just now) and write all this blogging shit for me? Because if it wasn’t for this blog I would be in jail or dead, shit to 1 side, this blog gave me a voice, it gave me purpose to TRY and change things that need changed, but you realize after a while that no matter what you say, no matter what you claim you can or can’t prove, NO-CUNT IS LISTING ANYWAY, fools will be fools regardless. Someone (Decent Person) said to me a few days ago “Shaun, you really don’t hold fucking back do you?” and they said it with a smile on their face, a face I wanted to fucking punch may I add. Facts are I do care, I have reason to care, 2 wee girls and 2 sons to help grow up and older, that is my job so I will do it, happily, it’s the ONLY thing I actually enjoy in this pitiful fucking SHIT-HOLE we call Earth. Our World is full of fucking idiots, gossips, Religious fucking screw-balls and people so fucking dumb I would rather sit and speak to my fucking dog for a chin-wag. Seriously people are boring, tedious, narrow minded, 2 faced cunts in the main. But for all the good people, keep doing what you do, be yourself, don’t bow to the the pressures life places on us via all these scary things that are thrown at us every fucking day. I live in pain and utter confusion because of whatever the fuck is wrong with me, and I must do all that and smile and love 2 wee girls because I want them to have a Childhood or ‘NORMAL’, because my life is fucked I must still show my girls what a healthy relationship is, what is right from wrong. They saved me. I pray every day, not to Religion, Jesus or Scripture, no fuck that shit, I have praying to MY GOD since I was a wee boy, if nobody is listening, then nobody is listening, if it is just a stupid placebo to get me through each moment, hour or day then so be it. But truly, IT IS WEARING FUCKING THIN

fuck-off

How my mind feels

Fuck it!!! And thank fuck for this blog!! 

  • THIS DOES NOT REPRESENT ALL DISABLED PEOPLE

    THIS DOES NOT REPRESENT ALL DISABLED PEOPLE

    Shaun Gibson Twitter: @ShaunyScot
    Skype Username: shaunyg1973
    Shaun Celtic FC Twitter: @ShaunyCeltic

    THE ABOVE IMAGE NEEDS CHANGED TO THIS - THIS REPRESENTS 'BETTER' FOR SOCIETY TO JUDGE

    THE ABOVE IMAGE NEEDS CHANGED TO THIS – THIS REPRESENTS ‘BETTER’ FOR SOCIETY TO JUDGE