Dying Inside

After doing this blog here “Suicide is not always a ‘One-off-Act’ – It’s a living thought for People “ I got a few ‘Gossips’ from people who ‘should know better’, but also nothing from people I expect to be at our side, our being ‘Me and mine’ – When someone lives with Suicidal thoughts and a whole host of other issues like M.E. (Myalgic Mencephalomyelitis) + Fibromyalgia + PTSD and Psychosis, like I do, they want to die, I want to die, but I have reasons to live more important than myself, but I would love HELP to take the burden away from loved ones who watch me suffer, we don’t want sympathy or ‘What a shame’ and I hate this I get a lot ‘I feel sorry for you Shaun, you been through too much for someone so young”, yeah that tires your soul out that one. Sadly people I know say things like “That stupid fucking blog that Shaun does” But that’s it, they DON’T HELP THE PEOPLE AROUND ME WHO SUFFER BECAUSE OF MY ILLNESS. This is not about me. Think who hurts when one is watching another die, slowly or fast, it makes no fucking difference. This World is horrible, I am suicidal, but I will MAN UP as people say about me. But it is fucking hard to take the next step, the next breath. 5am, been up for a day and a half, pain is like death, my mind is scrambled and tied to the moon. Yet people who claim to ‘Love me’ are reading SOMETHING ELSE HERE, or wishing they had a voice? #NEWSFLASH, you do have a voice. Use it or shut the fuck up. I am aware there are people FAR WORSE than myself, but this is hard, every moment is ‘How can I kill myself’, but here I am, for now anyway. Regret is ONLY regret AFTER the event ❤ Peace


♫ Dying Inside ♫
Via Shaun Gibson on You Tube







Shaun Gibson Twitter: @ShaunyScot
Skype Username: shaunyg1973
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Fibromyalgia – I have had enough, it ends here for me


(Edit, I found out 1 month later, thankully I have M.E. only) Living with Fibromyalgia is something you do get used to, the pain kills your will slowly, the will to live that is. The hardest part for me is what it does to family and friends, so called family and friends. See you start losing very early with Fibromyalgia, you lose the will to be active in a sense you can work or do volunteer work for example, they are the first to go. I seen it in myself and I see it in all sufferers of this evil bastard disease

Once you are house bound with no real excuse anyone will believe and in bed most of the time wishing the burning pain would subside so one breath can be pain free, this is the moment you know your forever is now, your future is today, your past is tomorrow and you will in the end lose it all

See I never asked for this. The pain is unimaginable, untreatable and people around you who don’t understand pain the way you do start to mock you, slowly you hear gossip from sad bastards so stuck up their own backside to talk to you

Then you lose family, real close family. I lost 2 sisters and, if being honest a big brother. My 2 sisters are not an issue I know the story there sadly my brother can’t talk in the manner befitting a big brother. Then you lose friends. Example for you here, a friend died and her funeral was the end of last week, my mate came to the door and I was too sore to go and had forgotten. So you start losing the respect you once held from friends, it just happens and you move on

Finally you reach the latter stages of the illness where everyone and everything you love and like outside your own home has gone. So you spend the best time you can trying to hold onto the people that matter most, the people in the same house as you. One of my sons’ moved out and I think I know why. Living with me is probably too hard. I just had a huge argument with my oldest son and my partner isn’t speaking to me

So here I am in bed with 2 choices, all I have is 2 choices right this second. End it and put everyone out their misery or leave. My 2 little princess’s are 4 and 5, soon to be 5 and 6, there isn’t a chance in hell they will grow up seeing me suffer and I won’t chance them suffering due to me, so right this second, just past 7pm on Sunday 2nd May 2015 I stand at a crossroads. I can see both roads, both lead to unhappiness, both lead to heartache for everyone except me.

When Fibromyalgia enters the family home you are not the only one suffering, everyone starts to suffer. So I have decided I won’t allow that suffering to go on any more. I will suffer anyway; I am a TOTAL irrelevance in this story. I was handpicked for punishment I can’t handle any more. People will read and think “Oh Shaun wants sympathy” Let me tell you what I really want, I want a life like you have, you work, you play, you have fun, you have family and friends, I lost ALL I have, every person is gone now

So for my little princess’s I have to call it a day here. I don’t want them knowing the pain I do, that Mummy does, that their big brothers do. The pain of living with pain. Fibromyalgia kills everyone in the surrounding area, it is like a slow bomb or slow car crash, and you are standing watching the carnage unfold before you motionless and unable to act

Today, I am acting, I am doing something. I just don’t know what yet, it may blow over but I doubt it. I am sick of hurting the people I love. There are people I hate with passion, maybe I can go visit them first? Make sure scores are even before I decide? I am highly medicated as I type but nothing I can’t handle, medication or not I would be typing. I don’t know what to do, where to turn, who to speak to. All I know is there are people I CAN’T call. There is family there but calling them would cause argument, so I leave them be. In the end it’s strange, there is no fear, just acceptance. But for my 2 little girls I must choice the right thing today. They are young and will forget me. I am lost, I don’t know what to do. So I will lay here in bed till life decides for me. If I was once close to you, I am sorry, to loved ones, when I needed you, you turned your shoulder to me. To my partner, thank you for giving me what you did. Today a new ‘Something’ will happen and I have no control, wish me well


The Doors The End Lyrics YouTube

A 72 Year old message that still has meaning in our sick world

If only..............

If only…………..

I have posted this video before, but I want to again now I have a bigger audience of caring people. This is my only reason

In our sick world, we can all look around and see acts of individual kindness; this is what we have left, people being nice on a human level. As a species we do care, as a civilization we are lost. Somewhere, somehow, something went wrong, Corporate greed (And I have blogged this) has made our world a greedy place.

I see individual acts of kindness most days be it here online or in the street, I watch the nightly news and I ask myself where did this kindness go? Name a country not in War, at War or in Civil War or on the Brink of Civil war, you will struggle. If there is a country with 500 soldiers in a war zone, that country is at war.

What went wrong? Where did we get lost? What can we do? How can we do away with greed? How can we fight for a better world? Just a few questions posed in the clip below.

The clip below is 72 years in the making, done by Charlie Chaplin, this is was not scripted the way he said it, he winged it, it was spontaneous and during World War II

I ask you all watch this. I have posted it before, but when I had like 100 followers, now I have more followers and more love and intolerance and humanity in my friends here, I would like to share this video one more time. And if you can, PLEASE give me your thoughts.

When did our world turn to a War zone? When did the unloved hate, when did we lose our way, what caused it, and how do we stop it. This is a VERY STRONG message here, and because it is so old, it has lost no relevance 72 years since it was made.

I will say no more, you be the judge, because we are are all the cause and the cure, we did this, we allowed this, why?

This is me, you and the people you speak to, we all can change this

This is me, you and the people you speak to, we all can change this

With love and humanity, Shaun x