SO not the best of headlines, but YES it was click-bait 😀 Just watched a 3 part TV show on channel 5 called ‘‘ – Really got me thinking about ‘Solitude’ and how I have basically been in solitary myself, against my own will now for the best part of 15 years. NO SYMPATHY OR I WILL SHOOT YOU ALL 🙂 None of that. Was an amazing 3 Part TV show you can get on 5 Catch-up here in the UK. 4 People went in, London-born rapper Professor Green, World’s Strongest Man Eddie Hall, comedian Shazia Mirza and TV presenter Anthea Turner, all went in for 5 days, amazing programme on the Human mind if you care to watch it. For me it made me ask “COULD I DO THIS” The obvious answer from a medical point of view is ‘NO’ But from a psychological point of view, I think I could.
This show I could identify with easily. Stuck in a small place with only your mind to think. I live in agony. so what, my mind is always in some state of pretend in terms of funny, depressed and everything in-between. I am a STRONG LAD, I know my strengths and weaknesses for sure, do you? I know my limits, I know where I can and can’t be. Example I couldn’t sit in a room with 20 strangers, but I could sit on a stage and talk to 10,000 people, EASY!! And I could sing to 20,000 people EASY. I often sit in a Dr’s office and other ‘Social places’ and just don’t look up, head in my phone ‘JUST INCASE’ someone triggers me. I am not a safe person to be around when triggered, so I don’t be social, IT’S THAT SIMPLE. With the right people, kids, parents, partner, certain family and friends, NOT A PROBLEM. But stick me in an environment I can’t control and I can lose the plot. I am NOT A SCARED PERSON, but I am NOT sitting here typing ‘I am a hard fighting person either’ – As I typed above, I know who I am am, where I am, and I have became comfy with it sadly. I say sadly because you DO GET COMFY LOCKED UP. I love being around my Kids, it’s a HAPPY PLACE. My Grand-kids too when I can. Give me a comfy zone and I can relax, my mind has learnt to just be myself. To give you an example of the Danger I can be, I could give you 100 different stories. Recently my partner and two Daughters 9 and 8 years old went to a local store to pick up furniture from a shop, the person at the till working said something, I drifted from smiling to EVIL LOOK….Then my 9 year old Daughter stood in-front of me, pulled my coat, I looked down, she was smiling saying ‘You ok Daddy’ – In a heartbeat I realized about 20 other people waiting to be served had noticed my reaction, I looked around, some winked as to say ‘I can understand why you nearly lost it‘ and others looked away. The guy behind the till was serving a woman and child in-front of us, and he was talking to the woman like she was shit on a shoe, so I put my head in and said to this ‘MAN’ “Mate go easy on her yeah” – He then lifted his head and said “Mind your own business” – I LOST IT, I started at him with Death in my eyes, I was ready to talk to him, to react. My Daughter saved me, but our Kids are our reasons, they do save us, they don’t know it, but they do. In reality I spend LOTS of my time in my Man-Cave , door closed and left alone, it’s not healthy, my Dr, psychologists and pain specialists all tell me “GET OUT MORE” – Easier said than done, as I say I know my own boundaries, I can control them in a room whilst alone, am I happy. FUCK YEAH. If like anyone reading this I accept the SHIT PART OF LIFE AS NORMAL, that is a road to nowhere, so remaining positive helps us all, please keep trying, don’t give in, find reason, finds reasons, find something to do. I used to blog 2 or 3 times a day WITH HELP but I stopped because I found singing, music helped me more, and of course my kids and anyone else who I love.

My Man-Cave
To sum up, WE ALL SUFFER, WE ALL HAVE SOMETHING HOLDING US BACK, WE CAN ALL REACH UNHAPPY, WE CAN ALL FIND PAIN…IF WE LOOK. I look and it’s a concept of the Human mind I have no control over, so I control what I can and leave things I can’t, it’s me being honest, 100% totally honest. I found being HONEST is a saving Grace to us all. I was a liar, a cheat, the worst version of me I could be. I was a broken man, today I am still a broken man, but I control the broken parts best I can. Giving up just isn’t IN MY BLOOD. My kids send me songs all the time, this one SAVED ME ONE DAY. I ask nobody for anything these days, I know for loved ones and friends they might be thinking “Does he like me or love me”, the answer is OF COURSE I DO. But I am respecting YOU by respecting my boundaries. Thank you for reading, and please REACH BACK if you are honest enough to feel you need to reach. Here I am just reaching to people who may be stuck in an emotion they can’t control. PLEASE REACH BACK
Shauny x
♫ LYRICS ♫Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my bloodLaying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing
I’m overwhelmed and insecure, give me something
I could take to ease my mind slowly
Just have a drink and you’ll feel better
Just take her home and you’ll feel better
Keep telling me that it gets better
Does it ever?Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
No medicine is strong enough
Someone help me
I’m crawling in my skin
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my bloodIt isn’t in my blood
I’m looking through my phone again, feeling anxious
Afraid to be alone again, I hate this
I’m trying to find a way to chill, can’t breathe, oh
Is there somebody who couldHelp me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
No medicine is strong enough
Someone help me
I’m crawling in my skin
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my bloodIt isn’t in my bloodI need somebody now
I need somebody now
Someone to help me out
I need somebody nowHelp me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my bloodIt isn’t in my blood
It isn’t in my blood
I need somebody now
It isn’t in my blood
I need somebody now
It isn’t in my blood
MORE LOVE, LESS HATE

BLOGGERS FOR PEACE AND SANITY

THIS DOES NOT REPRESENT ALL DISABLED PEOPLE
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THE ABOVE IMAGE NEEDS CHANGED TO THIS – THIS REPRESENTS ‘BETTER’ FOR SOCIETY TO JUDGE