Born in 1973, today its early 2016 so I made it this far. As a kid I seen things I still see in my dreams, woman being beaten, angry men spilling blood. All along I just took whatever I could from Childhood. I wasn’t the only Child in this story, others say or give impression they broke free from all of it, I can’t. I am losing here, I am losing grip I am losing people at a steady rate. I have to ask myself if I am doing it on purpose as I don’t know if I am. Now I finally removed all the ‘Ghosts from my past’ I am finding it very hard to connect to life today, as I say I don’t think I made it through Childhood. I suffer from two devastating illness’s that are 9 times out of 10 the cause of Adult issues due to Childhood problems, and n0body should feel guilt for that, for my feelings. The image left is me, I think it was 1983/1984 as I think I was 10 or 11 years old, I have no memory of the boat, who took the image, all I know is I was in the Isle Of Sky in the North West of Scotland. Like most of my memories from Childhood they are either haunting me or I just forgot and I see photo’s and have no idea I was there.
This now makes me ask “Was I really there?” As a kid I used to hide under my pillows when the blood was spilled or when woman were being mistreated. A family member called me out on this blog here about what I remember or don’t https://deliberatedonkey.wordpress.com/2013/07/02/murder-and-more-through-the-eyes-of-a-child/ I did that in 2013 on my Birthday on an American site but 1 family member got the link and replied and then must have shared with other family. Let me put it this way, my girls will NEVER know any of this, so if the day comes they hear it there is a chance it will hurt them or disbelieve it. Daddy’s don’t tell their little girls these stories nor should they act in a violent way in-front of their kids, so please define violent before you think how unreal it was. Today I look back at it all, it haunts my dreams. When I see a woman I love hurting I in-turn hurt also, sadly life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, it is a very mean and nasty place and it will knock you to the ground and keep you there should you allow. So! Will it keep me on the floor? No chance, the very reason I write these blogs are for me and hoped others would read also, people I love, so almost just for myself in weeks, months or even years from now I can look back, kind of the same as the ‘Deliberate Donkey’ link and a few hundred like them. And when all is said and done all this blog is, is probably my personal diary I share with a World suffering the same issues, just same tree different branches. How can I sit here and PRETEND everything is good and everything was good when it wasn’t and isn’t. But I do make a promise to myself just now. When my 2nd son leaves the family nest I go to WAR with myself. I have or am buying my boxing gym small part by small part. When I am done and I am saying for my Birthday in July 2016 I will look back and know I should not have written this blog, same as many others. But for now this is my ONLY outlet. Many I don’t want to speak to, others I refuse to speak to, many I can’t speak to and of course others I love too much to talk about it with them. But I did all I could and I pray I did not give this to my son’s. We have family in jail, family in bad places, same as most families. All I was ever trying to do was stand up and protect my wee boys who are now amazing grown men from what was happening. The hate from both sides of my family can be overwhelming at times. My girls will never see this, Dawn and I did our best with our sons as we could under the circumstances we could. Even when my oldest Daughter who is now 6 was born I had to deal with FAMILY SHIT I was dragged into.
Before my oldest daughter was born, in-fact same month an event happened in my family leaving 1 dead and 1 in jail for 10 years or so. I don’t hate them for doing it, they came to me because they know I would do the right thing, they seen me as the only help they could get that wasn’t ‘MORE BLOOD’, I am done for now but I will keep standing up and proving myself wrong. I have two amazing little girls and for them and them ONLY I am about to walk through hell alone. As always I leave you with a lyrical song to how I feel in this moment, as font, these words are hard to read for many who will read it. I am tired of seeing my family tear itself to pieces, it ends right now. Also, call me a close friend or family and you are wondering how I got here, well! Every word I have spoken here I have told before for 3 years. In the time it takes to play FIFA or COD on a games system people ignored my cry for help. My emotions through medication & pain that creates suicide and more, it was ALL HERE for EVERYONE TO READ, I became disabled and people walked away, I don’t think I will understand this ever, my family go down or are hurt I am there in a heartbeat, but they expect my muscle or money when their shit goes bad? For people who sat and gave others advice and didn’t see my cries for help, I simply ask why. I was reaching out SO BADLY for love. And it never came in the way I thought it might. Scottish people are hardened people but also loving people, they embrace anyone who comes to our land for any good reason. Yet I don’t feel it today nor yesterday, so I now go show my 3 girls the very thing I needed myself. I don’t hate, I don’t fear. I am actually happy. But when my mindset is like this I am a danger to myself so I write it here in my bedroom and don’t show it to my girls. Makes sense right? But if you are a loved one or close friend, IT WAS ALL HERE. So next time you question me or ask me something, know it would have took you 10 fucking minutes to ask me and maybe things would have been better. People can be so cruel, but I have love in my heart and I still want to change the World 😀 I am a dreamer, I imagine, I revalue and devalue because it’s my only way. I could write a book, shit you not.
James Arthur – Recovery (Lyrics On Screen)
[VIDEO] Via AreYOUaSpider on You Tube
The battle continues….
The fight is about to start….
I WIN WILL THIS FIGHT FOR MY REASONS….