Today like most days I awaken to the World around me. Taking less Dr’s Medication is almost killing me in terms of pain, but when I was taking huge amounts of Dihydrocodeine. Anatriptaline, Diazepam, Tramadol and Morphine I was living, life was just going too fast, between 4 hours of each medication I was so doped up it was untrue, these days my World has slowed down so much, but in a good way, moments last longer. Today I take 10% of the medication I used to take, 90% gone, and to say I have woken up is an understatement. I was lucky my partner and two sons, friends and some family were as decent as they were for sure. I desire to be a better partner, Dad, son, brother and friend, but on my terms. Someone said a while back “Why did these people stop talking to you” my reply today is “Through my choices” I remembered a World where families spoke to each other, people cared, people spoke, debate happened, a different World. I remember that World where people took effort to come and visit each other, it still happens in my life but only through choices I want to make, around me I see many families so torn it almost upsets me. My sons are 20+ early 20’s and the World they see around them has been their always, their life, a World they were born into. Today as a 42 year old adult I know so many people of my generation lost, alone or sad. Some are in pain, in-fact too many are in pain. But I have to understand because I reached out to understand my pain, amazing people reached back and my circle of choice has become in my control. People in my life, people I give time of day, people I see every day, every week, people I see always are people I want in my life. Nobody walked away from me, my disability made me see a different World, a World where love actually exists; there are no arguments, no sadness and no pain. I live in pain so what I say above may seem ‘strange’ to the reader but I made my pain me and I it. I allowed my pain to be me, I became the pain and the pain tries to control me. Medicated I lost many people, but if they walked from me what have I lost? 😀 Really is that simple right? I know a World of people in pain, but a World where laughter and happy is. When I say I have no hate nor fear I mean it, not a lot scares me and I say ‘no to hate. If we live in hate, I am certain hate will kill us or we will die in hate only ever knowing hate. I seen so much hate in my life I just said “No more hate” and it worked, I don’t feel hate or fear, I smile through the pain because it’s my only option. Some didn’t believe I was so badly disabled and medicated but I have to say to myself “They had their own thoughts and own lives to life” So this is when I realized ‘choice’ was mine, and life got easier. I now see my two sons live with their partners and it’s a joy every day watching two young lads who were once my wee boys, the same age as my Daughter’s are now, just wee boys, both loved football and life was football for us all, my two son’s and partner, we did football for 10/11 years together and looking back it was amazing times. Sure I miss that life, but they are in a new life and so am I, with my 3 girls So now fast forward to today and I am about to have so much amazing times with two little girls, both around 5 years old. I am seeing two babies turn from toddlers into little girls, soon they become young ladies, they will have questions, fears, difficulty understanding life around them. This is where we all step in. Grandparents, Uncles & Aunts and more so my partner and I and their two big brothers and their partners. We, you the reader and I, are by-products of our parents and upbringing, my two sons have happy and I smile as they are happy because my partner and I helped them become the happy they are today, now it’s time to help two wee girls grow into people who can decide and make their own life, because now they are totally dependent on all the people I mentioned above. I don’t know if this is the circle of life or what but I am loving my life these days. Always the pain knocks me down, every day I fall, but every day love picks me up. These days I am helping others to learn to walk in a direction too, but for now it’s knowing my son’s are good and if they need guidance when it comes, we will be here, my partner and I. We never stop being parents. Today as I font out loud in what is often a personal diary to the World to read. Always I am trying to become better, today I am imperfect but I aim to be as near to perfect as I can, but I won’t be perfect, nobody is in the cold realityMany tell me “Shaun you give away too much on-line” The reality is I give nothing away online. What I am, who I am is for others to decide and define, they will do it regardless and I won’t. I stopped trying to define people, to understand hate is a tool to an unhappy life. All the bad things and good things brought us all too where we are in this moment. If you are smiling reading this, then you made it this far and you will go far. Life is so VERY EASY it is untrue. I don’t have it all figured out but through making every mistake a young lad and now an adult can make, I understand my World more. These were just my 4am thoughts to myself to read in 5 years from now, looking back smiling at reading how I was becoming a part of the World again. I must say the journey so far has been amazing and I have so much good and happy to come it is untrue. Often I wish I hadn’t walked away from some family but I look around my World and I see why I did walk away. We have no gossip, hate, shit, crap. Just a disability to understand and medication we can point to and say “Never again”. When I say we, I mean my partner and I.
More love. Less hate